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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Secret wounds, Aug 2, 2007.

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  1. Secret wounds

    Secret wounds Well-Known Member

    Sometimes i forget why i want to kill myself everything has gotten so confused in my mind i cant think straight. All i know is i dont feel worthy of life, i remember when i was around six i had my first thought of killing myself for no reason (i dont think). I remember a member of my family used to come in my room and touch me im so ashamed of it, im so ashamed im telling people, i feel like a slut a whore its was partly my fault i knew it was wrong but i never spoke out i never told no one i let it carry on for years, god i hate myself.
    When i was 19 i remember being drunk and grabbing a razor and cutting my arms it felt so good it still does i sometimes wish i could cut my wrists and bleed i enjoy watching the blood come out, im sick i need help but i dont know what to do. Nobody can help me, over the years i've felt worse and worse my family has no idea while i was at university i tried to kill myself twice but i failed i wish i had'nt though.
    I make no sense to noone i make no sense to myself, im trapped in my parents house and i cant get away i want to get out but i cant, i cant hurt my family they wont forgive me if i leave, i wont forgive me if i live but i cant live here, im tired of people saying move out I F*UCKIN cant its all such a mess, i want to be normal i want friends i dont want to lie nomore to people. I want out so badly but im stuck here, i keep wishing for help but it never comes, i thought there was a god.
    I dont deserve life there are people who are dying in this world and want to live and i dont want to live, i guess killing myself should'nt really bother me im already dead inside, im so fucked up in the head i scare myself, my thoughts scare me, what if one day i become so crazy i take it out on somebody else the only person i want to hurt is me no one else.
    Many times i've wondered what my purpose in life is, like everyone has a reason to be here something they are good at, the reason i am here is to suffer and be in pain to hate myself.
    I wish i could scream and someone would help me i smile at people everyday noone knows i want to die, Why dont i ever meet people of here in real life? Is this place real or am i so crazy its not real? Everyone i know seems happy content making plans i laugh along with them all but inside im wishing to be taken away. I dont think anyone will help me ever i think i will be like this forever confused,lost,and honestly i blame no one but myself. I want this to stop so much i'd do anything for it all to end.
  2. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    hi Secret wounds,

    By your very title and your post I think you have been living a double life. It sounds very painful to me. I am very sorry for the suffering you are going through on a daily basis and I want to extend to you all hope and best wishes for your happiness.

    That you can have hope and that wishes can come true I am not in doubt. There is no fault on your own. Let me be the first to tell you it is not your fault. I am very sorry for the tragedy and pain you have experienced as a child and how it has shaped your thinking up to the present. There is no possible excuse for what has been done to you and if I could, I would undo it all.

    The pain is easier to deny than accept, isn't it. Almost all pain is. For who ever lived that wanted to experience pain? In truth, we try to bury it, deny it and pretend it never happed or we pretend we are not guided by it... but it is this double life that often brings us even more pain.

    Because we have to live in our own skin. And though we may fool the world we cannot, for all our strength and stamina, outrun ourselves.

    I hope you will sincerely allow me to tell you it's NOT YOUR FAULT. It really isn't! Even if a 6 year old came down the stairs strip teasing and dancing naked no adult should ever, EVER, have touched you in that manner!

    But back to the present. You are a person of value. You may not see that at present but it doesn't make it any less true. Please repeat that to yourself.. yes, I mean now.. "I am a preson of value." repeat, repeat, repeat.

    I don't want you to hurt yourself. I want you to be safe.

    Please tell me the last time you remember enjoying life. When was the last time you said to yourself.. "I'm glad I am here to see this, etc.." Who were you with?

    Please tell me, who do you love. Who do you worry about? What are your hopes for them?

    Sometiomes it's hard to care about ourselves and easier to care for others. I'm not negating your feelings or experience by asking these questions. At some time we have all felt loved and have loved. I want to tknow when it was for you.
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