Sometimes i forget why i want to kill myself everything has gotten so confused in my mind i cant think straight. All i know is i dont feel worthy of life, i remember when i was around six i had my first thought of killing myself for no reason (i dont think). I remember a member of my family used to come in my room and touch me im so ashamed of it, im so ashamed im telling people, i feel like a slut a whore its was partly my fault i knew it was wrong but i never spoke out i never told no one i let it carry on for years, god i hate myself. When i was 19 i remember being drunk and grabbing a razor and cutting my arms it felt so good it still does i sometimes wish i could cut my wrists and bleed i enjoy watching the blood come out, im sick i need help but i dont know what to do. Nobody can help me, over the years i've felt worse and worse my family has no idea while i was at university i tried to kill myself twice but i failed i wish i had'nt though. I make no sense to noone i make no sense to myself, im trapped in my parents house and i cant get away i want to get out but i cant, i cant hurt my family they wont forgive me if i leave, i wont forgive me if i live but i cant live here, im tired of people saying move out I F*UCKIN cant its all such a mess, i want to be normal i want friends i dont want to lie nomore to people. I want out so badly but im stuck here, i keep wishing for help but it never comes, i thought there was a god. I dont deserve life there are people who are dying in this world and want to live and i dont want to live, i guess killing myself should'nt really bother me im already dead inside, im so fucked up in the head i scare myself, my thoughts scare me, what if one day i become so crazy i take it out on somebody else the only person i want to hurt is me no one else. Many times i've wondered what my purpose in life is, like everyone has a reason to be here something they are good at, the reason i am here is to suffer and be in pain to hate myself. I wish i could scream and someone would help me i smile at people everyday noone knows i want to die, Why dont i ever meet people of here in real life? Is this place real or am i so crazy its not real? Everyone i know seems happy content making plans i laugh along with them all but inside im wishing to be taken away. I dont think anyone will help me ever i think i will be like this forever confused,lost,and honestly i blame no one but myself. I want this to stop so much i'd do anything for it all to end.