I saw Sam again today. She said she was surprised I turned up as she thought I would have been really pissed at her for speaking to uni. I knew she would though so I wasn't over bothered. She is now saying she wants me to stay in placement and the last thing she wants to see is me leaving it. Not the message she was giving me a couple of weeks back. But, I am willing to work with it. She still thinks my mental capacity is not what it should be as she is saying I can't get how severe and serious the self harm is. I have tried to be really honest with her this week. As much as I can be. She said if I work with them and let people be involved then what I tell her can stay with her. I do want to carry on working with her, I think? Well I don't, but if I am going to have to work with someone I would rather it be her. I was talking to her about discharging myself from services and not taking meds. I said I am only complying with meds and carrying on going because I don't want it forced on me and this is my way of controlling it. I talked about how scared I am of going in to hospital and that it seems as though it is becomming more and more of a possibility. She said she would contact the psychiatrist and find out what is going on. I just don't feel as though I want all this. Well I don't. I don't want people knowing. Yet in all through this the suicide is re-playing over and over. I have graphic pictures of it. I know I want a future as a social worker. I want to have kids etc. But why do these thoughts play over and over and over. I am quite worried I will act on it. I don't actually think I can keep myself safe as I am quite impulsive. I'm not telling psych that though as that just gives strength to his possible argument of hospitalization. I am getting so paranoid about it. I am paranoid about everything. It's horrible. I am so sick of all these thoughts. I can't cope with them. I don't know what to do with them.