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I saw Sam again today. She said she was surprised I turned up as she thought I would have been really pissed at her for speaking to uni. I knew she would though so I wasn't over bothered.

She is now saying she wants me to stay in placement and the last thing she wants to see is me leaving it. Not the message she was giving me a couple of weeks back. But, I am willing to work with it.

She still thinks my mental capacity is not what it should be as she is saying I can't get how severe and serious the self harm is. I have tried to be really honest with her this week. As much as I can be. She said if I work with them and let people be involved then what I tell her can stay with her. I do want to carry on working with her, I think? Well I don't, but if I am going to have to work with someone I would rather it be her. I was talking to her about discharging myself from services and not taking meds. I said I am only complying with meds and carrying on going because I don't want it forced on me and this is my way of controlling it. I talked about how scared I am of going in to hospital and that it seems as though it is becomming more and more of a possibility. She said she would contact the psychiatrist and find out what is going on.

I just don't feel as though I want all this. Well I don't. I don't want people knowing.

Yet in all through this the suicide is re-playing over and over. I have graphic pictures of it. I know I want a future as a social worker. I want to have kids etc. But why do these thoughts play over and over and over. I am quite worried I will act on it. I don't actually think I can keep myself safe as I am quite impulsive. I'm not telling psych that though as that just gives strength to his possible argument of hospitalization. I am getting so paranoid about it. I am paranoid about everything. It's horrible.

I am so sick of all these thoughts. I can't cope with them. I don't know what to do with them.


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Staff Alumni
But would hospitalization be so awful?
I can remember when I was told I should be in a therapeutic unit, scared the shit out of me...know what, it was the best thing I could have done.
Yes it was scarey, yes it meant whole family knew about it, and yes it was hard, but 13 months later...new person left the building!
Sorry to hear about your situation, I know the social stigma of being hospitalized can be bad. Most people have a hard time understanding and sometimes even pass judgement based on that. Have you tried different meds? I know some meds don't do anything for some people while others can work wonders.


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I've just been put on to new meds. Quetiapine 50mg for a week going up to 100mg. Not big doses, not that heavy so dunno about it.

Sam my therapist of with the same agreement as me that I shouldn't be in hospital and that it would make things worse. I know deep down it wouldn't be good for me. I know it would make things worse. Also in my area the wards are all out medicating. There is no therapy. It's medicating until better.So it would be pointless!
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