No voice

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lynk, Sep 12, 2009.

  1. lynk

    lynk New Member

    I just feel like I've wasted a big chunk of my life that others could make better of. It seems as though if I don't speak up for myself I'm A coward, but If I speak up for myself I'm a trouble maker. If I can't do one thing. I can't do anything. I feel like I can't say or do anything. I actually feel that I have no voice. A long time ago I almost went through a suicide attempt, but didn't. For a time I wanted to put the blame on something or someone else. I put my self down. I made my self sick Mind and body. My definition of self torture. I've let my self get taken advantage of and some cases bullied. I knew that it was happening. just didn't care. Then as the years past, I started to get angry. Not at those who wrong me, but at my self for letting it happen. I developed what is called residual anger. Started to act resentful to some people that didn't do a thing to me.I felt like I couldn't trust anyone. At times I couldn't stand to look in the mirror at my self.

    I went back to doing things that helped me in the past like yoga, Martial Arts and meditation. It helped out a lot, but still I get that feeling of hurt and anger. More hurt than anything because i chased away friends by my actions. THOSE THAT I HURT. I still feel bad. I hurt someone dear to me in the past and even though I was forgiven, I still feel terrible. It so hard to let go of the past. I was always told to say whats on my mind. It just seems like what I say goes through on ear and out the ass.