The one thought that keeps running through my head is "I can't do this, I can't do this." I don't have any therapy at the moment, and that's not through lack of trying; it's a limitation of the NHS -- not just the number of people but the very limited type s of therapy they offer that simply aren't appropriate to my situation. I've feel let down by my psych nurse who is supposed to co-ordinate my care. I've seen him three times in six months. He cancelled an appointment last week (12th) and despite my efforts to contact him (I can only contact a switchboard at the hospital) I haven't got a replacement yet. He made me a lot of promises about helping me but he's now downgraded me as a priority because I'm aware enough to know what is happening to me, unlike some patients, as if that makes it ok. I'm suffering a huge crisis of confidence. The only thing I've been any good at in the last few years is coding, and I'm falling behind in that sense. I don't have/cant afford a mobile device and can't test anything I do on iOS. Also many of the things I try to experiment on the site I work for are either dismissed out of hand or I work on them and then they sit waiting to be aproved. I've lost all motivation for my own project as well. I've screwed up the two most important relationships in my life, which totalled 14 years of my life (I'm 33).... My family don't want to know me (some of them I'd rather not know). I'm scared to sleep because of flash-back dreams and hate being awake. Some days I don't even know who I am, literally. Staying one person is an effort. I just don't see a future. I have no therapy, I will likely lose most of my disability payment next year and thus my apartment (My pet died a couple of months ago and I haven't got a new one for that reason -- I might not even have a home in a year's time), and I have no career. Even IT is not what I trained for. I trained in neurobiology, not IT. How would I even explain the years I've not been properly employed? I feel like I should end this ridiculous pretence that somehow things will get better. How could they. Why not just cut it off now before it gets even worse? I don't see a way out. I was so detrmined to end this on my birthday last week. I'm a coward.