No way out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HawkHood, Nov 22, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    The one thought that keeps running through my head is "I can't do this, I can't do this."

    I don't have any therapy at the moment, and that's not through lack of trying; it's a limitation of the NHS -- not just the number of people but the very limited type s of therapy they offer that simply aren't appropriate to my situation.

    I've feel let down by my psych nurse who is supposed to co-ordinate my care. I've seen him three times in six months. He cancelled an appointment last week (12th) and despite my efforts to contact him (I can only contact a switchboard at the hospital) I haven't got a replacement yet. He made me a lot of promises about helping me but he's now downgraded me as a priority because I'm aware enough to know what is happening to me, unlike some patients, as if that makes it ok.

    I'm suffering a huge crisis of confidence. The only thing I've been any good at in the last few years is coding, and I'm falling behind in that sense. I don't have/cant afford a mobile device and can't test anything I do on iOS. Also many of the things I try to experiment on the site I work for are either dismissed out of hand or I work on them and then they sit waiting to be aproved. I've lost all motivation for my own project as well.

    I've screwed up the two most important relationships in my life, which totalled 14 years of my life (I'm 33).... My family don't want to know me (some of them I'd rather not know).

    I'm scared to sleep because of flash-back dreams and hate being awake. Some days I don't even know who I am, literally. Staying one person is an effort.

    I just don't see a future. I have no therapy, I will likely lose most of my disability payment next year and thus my apartment (My pet died a couple of months ago and I haven't got a new one for that reason -- I might not even have a home in a year's time), and I have no career. Even IT is not what I trained for. I trained in neurobiology, not IT. How would I even explain the years I've not been properly employed?

    I feel like I should end this ridiculous pretence that somehow things will get better. How could they. Why not just cut it off now before it gets even worse? I don't see a way out. I was so detrmined to end this on my birthday last week. I'm a coward.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry you are being let down by the mental health supports set up for you There is ALWAYS away out ok You need trauma therapy you tell your psych nurse take get off his ass and get a therapist to help you deal with your past. neurobiology wow you are very intelligent volunteer then at a place get the experience you need until you are hired in that positon It looks good in a resume even if it is just volunteer work you are working in your area.
    You cannot see into the future so all those negative things you say may happen may also NOT happen so try not to think to far ahead ok Just take one day at a time.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    The nurse is either being over worked, or has to do patients by priority or not doing his job correctly. He had no business making promises to you if he could not keep them and has obviously unsettled you a lot. 3 visits in 6 months is a very bad care service. You need better than that but how you can get that I don't know.

    I am really sorry you are getting flash backs, it's awful, it's like a nightmare come through. I do get it rarely too but with the medications I am currently on it's working out very well.

    I had never heard of that expression before now but I do agree with you. In one of the singer Pink's songs there's a quote
    I think it's very smart :)

    You're trained in neurobiology, what exactly does that consist of? I don't know if you have any kids but if you don't is it possible to move and start a fresh life somewhere else (that's what a lot of them all seem to be doing here after they leave college). Why are you thinking you will lose your disability? Hopefully someone here can help with that situation, I mean like advise on what to do etc.. cos obviously it varies from country to country.

    Anyway I really just want to say that I hope you can overcome this! Be strong, be safe and be kind to yourself

    Kind rregards,

  4. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I hate myself. I hate my utterly pathetic, worthless existence. I hate being a waste of resources, people's time and human life. I hate how weak and pathetic I am, and wasting the time of the people who've tried to help me or be a friend to me. I hate how I've only let everybody down. I hate how I'm too much of a coward to just deal with the fact that my life is simply not viable. *I* am not a viable human being.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You are a viable human being despite what your mind is telling you. You are immersed in the pit of depression. When this happens we are not able to see the truth. Our minds tell us we are worthless and there is no hope that things will change. This couldn't be further from the truth. Right now I hear you worrying about things that "might" happen. The future is not known and if you determine your life choices on the negative things that might happen then the positives that might happen are pushed by the wayside. Try to live for the here and now instead of the future or the past. Do your best to make the positive changes in your life that you want to happen. I do not have an answer to the NHS issues in the UK. I do know that you have the tools and ability to get beyond this even without them. There are people that care about you. I being one of them. There will come a day when you will merge and be able to stay one person. That also takes letting go, which you are not quite ready to do yet. I am glad you are reaching out here. That is a huge step.
    As for what is going on at the other site, you know what I have to say there. Please do not place any importance on what the *'s say or do. Think of the success this summer and the positive impacts and changes that happened. And you can see the decline once again. Are you going to put your worth on what you were able to accomplish without that influence or on that which you have no control?
    If you have no hope or faith at this time, let us have it for you until you can find it within yourself to accept what a wonderful person you are. Take care my friend. You got this, even if you don't believe it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2014
  6. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    Thanks for the replies. To answer some questions...

    The negative things I mention are very likely to happen. Cut-backs in funding and reorganising the disability benefits are almost certain to affect me devastatingly in the next six months. My psych nurse not engaging with me weakens my position even more.

    I'm sick of chasing him for appointments. I should be seeing him once a week, but he's decided I'm not a priority. He's told me as much, so that's not me making a negative assumption. Even then, he's broken so many prmoises about helping me and so few appointments in so many months... just leaves me with no support. I have no family to support me and no local friends. All I have is the people I know online. The NHS doesn't offer therapy for my condition. Tbh, it's actually more like they say that it's my fault for not responding to the limited CBT they offer. The therapy I was receiving was experimental and was stopped whilst they review its efficacy.

    Re the neurobiology, meh. I studied up to masters level at uni in the subject, along with human evolution and social biology. It's nothing noteworthy and that was all some years ago now.

    Staying one person ... I don't know how to describe it. I'd actually rather just let someone else take over, but I never know who that will be. I hate myself when I am this person. Maybe someone else in my head does a better job. Maybe it would be better if my personality melted away. I'm weak, I'm useless, I have nothing to contribute. I cause the few people to whom I speak more hassle if I talk about how I feel. I leech off society, and I have been complaining for far too long -- I'm doing it even now!

    This face, this personality, this part of me... it pretends to be good and valuable, but it's not. I intended to end this all last weekend (my birthday) and another part took over and stopped me. I don't even remember how I got home.

    Gentlelady, maybe I've just mislead everyone. Maybe I really am just a fraud.
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You have mislead nobody. You are who you are and you have not pretended to be what you are not. Again, the depression is speaking (or the results of past trauma that had planted thoughts in your mind). I understand about the cutbacks, but it is still something that is in the future and you can worry yourself sick about what has not happened. That does not mean you can't take steps to prepare for if it does, but being prepared is not the same as stressing over it and letting it rule you now. I wish I could set you up with something that could help you earn a wage, but being across the pond with no contacts makes it impossible for me. Let me think on it though.
    I, for one, am glad you had that voice that said "don't do it".
  8. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I finally got an appt. with my psych nurse today after going through my GP to apply pressure. Can't say it was good.

    I'm being transferred from the East team to the West team whether I like it or not and no matter how much I tried to explain some of my darker thoughts and feelings ... the basic point remained that because I can "reason" how I feel that means I'm not "hospitalisable" and I just have to wait. I tried to explain how must I detest myself and how f*ed up my life is without therapy but my CPN seems to be covering his own arse right now. It could be several months before I get transferred and have to start this whole process again.

    I explained my experience about making a decision and somehow ending up home again and it basically came own to "we can't do anythign about that until we know where your'e assigned and 'you can make your own decisions'." I was practically begging for help but it's just not there. Apparently because I'm "intelligent" I'm not worth the same effort and should be better off than other people.

    I feel like giving up. I tried to make my case I tried to explain how I feel. I tried to expain how bad the flashbacks are and hoe how much I miss the therapy i was getting.

    Obviously I have mislead someone, somewhere -- or else I just am not worthy of help.

    It seems perfectly rational to just stop this charade now an stop wasting everyone's time
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.