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No way out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Oct 2, 2015.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I'm so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, just wish the pain would end. To me the world has become dark and uninviting. I can't trust people, I feel paranoid all the time. I'm certain that everyone hates me, or at the very least are repulsed by me. I've been trying so hard to fix my life and put things back together but it just isn't working.

    I'm still stuck with all my problems. My health has been steadily deteriorating for 2 years now and I feel like I'm losing my mind. My thoughts aren't as sharp anymore and it feels like a cloud shrouding my head. I suffer from crippling anxiety, depression and fear. A sense of looming disaster surrounds me all the time and I cannot escape it. My body hurts and aches all over and makes existence pure hell.

    Worst of all no one seems to take me seriously. I'm utterly tired of crying for help and being ignored or my feelings get belittled. I look like a healthy and strong individual on the outside so nothing can be wrong right?

    All the current events aren't helping either. Right now I strongly believe that there is no future for me. I might survive to see 2016 but 2017 doesn't exist for me. Only my inevitable death.

    I can't take care of myself and it's apparent no one else can (or doesn't want to) either. I'm starting to see the only option: put myself out of my misery before I slowly wither away in horrible pain.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your doctor will take you seriously if you tell him what you have said here Call a crisis line or go to the emergency and talk to a doctor or crisis worker there I am sorry some are not hearing your cries for help but it is you that have to get them to see how much pain your are in
    I have stopped listening to the news it only brings on more depression instead listen to music you enjoy do something that brings YOU joy ok
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I've seen doctors and therapists/psychologists and most of the experiences have been very disappointing. Just this year I have been to at least 3 different doctors for my physical pains but no one has taken more than a quick cursory glance and a few general blood tests, to me they seem mostly annoyed and do not really even listen to what I say. I have a growth in my cheek for example, the doc looked at it with the attitude that I'm probably imagining it. Well there was something there but nothing was done about it. They couldn't really tell what it is (about 2cm in size) but didn't see it necessary to look closer at it (it looked like extra saliva-gland tissue on the ultra apparently). I tried to say that it causes a feeling of pressure and discomfort in my sinus but again the same, oh no you probably just have some tenseness in your neck. On the mental side all I ever have gotten is a prescription and maybe discussion therapy once a week (the only kind that's available here). The meds have not helped and have made me worse to the point that I refuse to take them (Citalopram, Escitalopram, Cymbalta, Ketipinor, Doxal).

    The only real help I've gotten is from people in AA but I'm having a hard time trusting them too now. It seems I am deluded to the point of not being able to function anymore. Emotionally I'm at the stage of a child. I feel so vulnerable and would need just some real love and care. The problem is I'm a grown man and I have built an impressive wall around my fragile inner self, I have had people tell me how strong I am. If they only knew how it really is.

    I've tried talking about these things in AA also but it just makes me feel like an outsider. It feels like everyone is just weirded out when I speak.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I get that feeling of being paranoid, everyone looking at me, staring at me like I am a freak. In fact it happened to me yesterday, I said something stupid in college and the whole class laughed at me, I have no option but to just take it and try and be more careful in the future however on the inside I was crumbling with embarrassment.

    I know how it goes, and I know it is extremely hard but please try again somewhere else. Try a different doctor or a new med or a new type of therapy, it took me roughly 7 years to get on the medication I feel that works for me. My depression was cured and I am now in the process of coming off them. Not everyone will be as lucky as I have been but it helps to know that you CAN get better and that should be your focus. Right now, not 2017. I really hope you can get out of this rut you are in 'cos no one deserves the pain you are feeling!

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