There is no way out of this depression. There is no cure. No one to help. So lonely, scared. Want the feeling to stop. I cannot alternate between the rage, fear, panic, lonliness, despair, hopelessness, pointlessness, bleakness, on a constant basis. Just too exhausted. There is no God. He isn't with me. My Mom and brother are dead. Piles of ashes. Their despair is over and ended. I envy them, the nothingness. I want to find a quiet place in my mind where my babbling thoughts can't go. A peaceful place where panic and fear haven't been. Just for a few moments of quiet. Where I can feel calm and know who I am. If I am. Where I can know myself for even 2 minutes. I can't stand my thoughts, my dreams. All the sepia coloured visions of utter dullness and devastation. I can't depend on meds to shut my mind up. I have to have that ability myself. The meds just numb and dumb me. Yet I continue to cry non-stop. I am unable to remember, to feel. Why can't my brain be balanced. What am I supposed to be learning from this. When can I let go of everything is a lesson to learn from. I can't learn anymore. I am incapable. Self-loathing. Why. So ugly, inadequate, boring and unintelligent. I so want to be dead. I just want peace and I can't find it here in any way shape or form.