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No way out

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#1
I'm an ra victim and my brain was split by an organization and I was born into slavery in the church. Little to say anymore than my entire dissociative system is suicidal and many parts and the whole system is programmed to die. Been fighting it since I was in jr high. I was thrown from the freedom train at 15. Love and compassion could have kept me alive, but there is nothing but abuse. I can escape. The suicidal child alters are completely neglected like they are not programmed to do this. All my efforts to fix this failed. Too much to write, nothing to say. I'm tired of fighting. The moment I stop fighting, I'm kicked away and something else takes over to end my life without thinking, violently. Trying to prevent it takes all my strength and I literally can't figt anymore. I know he had is coming soon. I'm scared to death. I don't want to die, but also no way to live. I hope someone understands trauma based mind control who can understand.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#6
I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Has a therapist or DID community been helpful to you at all?
Very little, but I spent seven years studying everything I could get my hands on and connecting w other multiples. psych system 100% responsible for my life being in danger and completely destroyed. Very hard to find support, they make you pay to get out of slavery and danger, when financial abuse is a major part of my history. Then you run into fraudulent psychs and therapists, ones who exploit you, ones who intentionally keep your truth and survival. Long stories here everywhere.. short answer, more harm than good, some helpful things. Lots of predatorial abusive people in support circles and even other multiples attacked and disbelived parts. Been rough. Very little as far as sra multiples talking and few who can be trusted and none I've seen can comprehend my situation, esp people who had the internet their whole lives. My days of searching for all this is over. Founda therapist who could help, but too many double binds to make it happen. And can't get therapy when not safe. I'm not safe and can't get to safety. And nobody in society provides safety for people like me. Thanks for asking.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#7
How old is your host body now? I have seen where drawing and painting have helped DID people. Do you like to paint and draw? I know a little bit about trauma based mind control from reading about it. I hope you can find support here in this safe place.
Late thirties. My issue is safety, any artistic parts disappeared a long time ago and no resources for any hobby or any supportive therapeutic anything as I was framed as disabled and get no money to even survive on.
Thank you
 

Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#11
Late thirties. My issue is safety, any artistic parts disappeared a long time ago and no resources for any hobby or any supportive therapeutic anything as I was framed as disabled and get no money to even survive on.
Thank you
I feel sad about this, I wish I could send you some colored pencils, crayons and a pad of paper. I know it would help make you feel better, just to even scribble or color colors one after another. I try to do coloring myself, and it's calming for me. I have adult coloring books and fill them in and I don't have to think about what to draw, just choose colors. Is there anyone who would get you these things if you asked? I go to a dollar store (everything is a dollar) and buy my stuff there.
 

Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#12
May I ask what kind of living conditions you have, or is that too much information? Is it a group home or something like that. If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to say. I'm just trying to get a picture of your individual circumstances, since everyone is different. I myself feel like a prisoner in my mom's house, because my bully niece and her family are living here with my mom and I. My mom is a sweet little lady but she has beginning stage dementia. I can't protect her anymore. I have to find a safe place for myself. I'm finally going to gather my courage and am making efforts to do that. I hate to leave my mom and my kitty though.

It really hurts me that you don't feel safe and have the feeling of no one caring for you. I care, but like so many people, I am struggling to survive and I can only offer words, but I want you to know that I and others on here do care about your peoples.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#13
I feel sad about this, I wish I could send you some colored pencils, crayons and a pad of paper. I know it would help make you feel better, just to even scribble or color colors one after another. I try to do coloring myself, and it's calming for me. I have adult coloring books and fill them in and I don't have to think about what to draw, just choose colors. Is there anyone who would get you these things if you asked? I go to a dollar store (everything is a dollar) and buy my stuff there.
I'm kept in child states all the time by the person I stay with. There's a little bit of minor art supplies here, but it's not satisfying for the parts with interest, they need to learn and explore all art mediums and specific ones. Those art parts can't come out and exist in this situation. They haven't been around since I became homeless and the whole system despairing. They are only in existence when life is going okay. Some parts do play games and stuff but it's not relaxing because they are forced into doing it when should ( in those states) be doing other things, like swimming or learning a skill, for instance. It's actually part of the suffering to be forced to just sit around doing nothing in child states everyday. Hard to explain briefly in writing. Sra d.i.d. functions much differently than organic d.i.d. in case you have met other multiples. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and generous spirit.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#14
May I ask what kind of living conditions you have, or is that too much information? Is it a group home or something like that. If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to say. I'm just trying to get a picture of your individual circumstances, since everyone is different. I myself feel like a prisoner in my mom's house, because my bully niece and her family are living here with my mom and I. My mom is a sweet little lady but she has beginning stage dementia. I can't protect her anymore. I have to find a safe place for myself. I'm finally going to gather my courage and am making efforts to do that. I hate to leave my mom and my kitty though.

It really hurts me that you don't feel safe and have the feeling of no one caring for you. I care, but like so many people, I am struggling to survive and I can only offer words, but I want you to know that I and others on here do care about your peoples.
Thank you for asking. I can answer, I think. I'll try. Your situation sounds very stressful, I can understand. I get that most people here are struggling or helping people the best they can and that's okay and why 'm here, not to beg anyone for anything, but I understand the sentiment of the feeling of helplessness in wanting to support others more than you do. Thank you for he thought, it goes a long way.
I understand not wanting to leave your mom and kitty, totally understand and relate. I hope when you go you can get all that straightened out for the best situation for all three of you. Sucks about he bully niece, get it :/
I also feel like a hostage. It's very confusing. Very complicated. Been homeless since 2007. Forced into it by family and psych system. Was framed as disabled and could not defend myself or get anyone to believe me. Had to stay with ex [who was, my only "friend" who I had shared or confided any important life/abuse/family/therapy stuff with] several times in the last 15 years. He and his mom and others were abusing/deceiving me outside and inside of our awareness. We didn't know for sure or understand that I was multiple or that my parents did it to me. We didn't know how bad the memory was or that we switched and people were taking advantage of us. Long story short, forced to live w ex because know no other humans, as I lost everyone because of how his mom and him treated me as well as my fam, their organization community, and the psych system, and all my supposed friends. And in other ways, I never really had anybody, not close. Started to figure out in pieces what happened, but all backwards. He's very abusive to many parts and cherry picks the systems parts he wants to deal with -the others get erased and attacked verbally and emotionally or completely dismissed and he accesses alters all the time, which is pretty agregious. The history of things he's done to us and put us through is exhausting and never had anyone to talk to about that other than the handler who picked me off his hands and took me out of state as a child alter...so that doesn't count. To Other parts/alters and times he's friendly or nice or seemingly attentive..but mostly treated like an object which he denies. He may not be as bad as some handlers, but he is still very controlling in serious ways and harms us severely and in life-threatening ways. We cannot be ourself here, we are altered because of him. That makes it impossible to get help too as I can't speak to anyone about what he does. And who is here anyway, right? No one. However, he helps me with things I otherwise would not have that I need, like asthma meds and cannabis/ cbd, food, a roof, medical care and food for my dog. It's very confusing and some parts want to leave in spite because of the torture. But know leaving is most likely death in all directions. I'm trapped in a part of the country where cult people are everywhere and cannot be avoided on top of it. A lot of bad stuff ranging from smear campaigns to attempted murder and assaults have happened in this town -so it's also a town of people who think I'm crazy or unstable or a sociopath because I disappeared (and could not explain why when it mattered) and predators. And nobody I run into will I be able to tell them the truth or keep my presence here secret from the many people who want me dead. I currently don't drive, haven't left an apt in four years (partly safety reasons, partly being held against my will) live underneath a psychopath attacking and gangstalking us for the last year in a violent neighborhood and have no humans to talk to while I'm left in isolation everyday. Internet has not been my friend in that way..
Groups homes/halfway houses shelters all not safe and don't accept people like me, and when in them it was destabilizing and retraumatizing as it made no sense why I'm sleeping next to hardcore drug addicts, dangerous criminals and pedophiles; most don't even know about ra abuse and most of the places engage in that level of corruption. and some that do claim to accept people like me, are dangerous because of their agendas and plant "helpers, doctors, etc" many are covers for cults. And anyway...covid.
Cult help doesn't really exist. D.i.d help is really hard to find or afford or trust. Sra help next to impossible (esp if in poverty)
Because I'm so split because of the environment and treatment I lose my memory in total blackouts all day.
My ability to get a job, apt, home of any kind, safety and freedom is totally dependant upon someone I can't rely on and doesn't care about me enough to not torture me too. He is oppressive and enables people who harm me or cast me away. My previous life of being an independent person didn't last long and was sabotaged by my father and fam when I was 23, So can't just leave. Also have a dog I can't care for or probably survive without, so I understand that..and two cats who have been my only other companions for four years. Also no way to leave with all the evidence I have that's necessary to prove anything or work with a therapist or human trafficking ever. Also society can't be trusted and the mc system puts us in danger when having to deal with societal powers and it's scary being unable to go anywhere with this and know I'll be respected safe and helped. Also leave and I'm more of a target because I'll be totally alone, that's risky for anyone. And I don't have the capability of living life alone with no people anyway, it's not my ecosystem.
I'm in constant chronic pain on top of terror and despair and now basically losing all energy ..the quality of my essence is depleted and ghostly and it's directly effected my physical health.
It's like a more sadistic form of the truman show (if you saw the film) but if once he leaves the show the first person he meets exploits,/deceives him in the same ways because he didn't figure out how to protect himself or realize other people were like that too or maybe he forgot about it because so traumatic..
I get lost writing, sorry if that's tmi ...the care matters always in words if genuine. It does. Ty for takin the time to write.. I appreciate it so much. Please write back if so inclined. Appreciate the correspondence immensely.
-The Prisoner
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#16
How old is your host body now? I have seen where drawing and painting have helped DID people. Do you like to paint and draw? I know a little bit about trauma based mind control from reading about it. I hope you can find support here in this safe place.
Oh! I just realized I missed part of what you wrote. Well that's very interesting and pleasantly surprising to read that you know a bit of tbmc. ๐Ÿ‘ Thank you, I hope so too.
 

Velveteen Bunny

Well-Known Member
#19
Oh! I just realized I missed part of what you wrote. Well that's very interesting and pleasantly surprising to read that you know a bit of tbmc. ๐Ÿ‘ Thank you, I hope so too.
I don't want to bring up anything that might trigger you. However, I have read and watched videos about a woman with DID and tbmc who lives in the UK, and she does paintings of what she's been through. Some of them are very revealing and hard to view. I would imagine that it would be a trigger for a DID person, but for the general public it helps us to understand and have compassion. That's not the extent of what I have learned, but since it's a sensitive subject I will leave it up to you for whatever you want to talk about. Talking about things does help to unburden because you are sharing secrets that you feel are so heavy and to share with people who are safe, it feels like a weight is lifted off your body/mind.

I found a book on ebay for like $2.00, I could share it here if possible/allowed, by Bessel van der Kolk called The Body Keeps The Score. I can only read a little bit at a time, but many people in my groups on CEN (Childhood Emotional Abuse) recommend it.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#20
I have the book bec other young ones sent to therapy were reading it Trying to fix us. But they disappeared. No energy to read and get triggered the more knowledge, the more awareness of how we are being currently harmed and bad things will happen, it will trigger out really upset parts. :( - SadCasper
 

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