Written by an alter who is for now, nameless.
Wrote a list of reasons to live and reasons to die. I only have one determined reason to live and that's my dog and he's not even a reason for most parts. Most parts said goodbye to him every day for the last five years. Most reasons to die I have no control over.
The list used to be far more balanced. And once, a long time ago, it was very short.
I have no more belongings as they have all been thrown or given away. What is left is trash in my mind, and that including rare vinyl, last of childhood tokens and treasures from my life. I have discussed in length with my dog what our futures could be like and attempted to re-home him several times with no luck. Now I have no energy to try. I had several suitcases and boxes/briefcases of what I call "evidence" which I no longer care about as I will never see justice and have no one to help me piece all the system's writings and important life info together. I have learned I will not be unframed as too much time has gone by for all offenses. Too bad I had to be my own psych and therapist and it's taken so long. Too bad most of my life I was abused and harmed outside of my awareness. Doesn't bode well for getting criminals held accountable. Many of my perps are dead and the ones alive are a powerful network with government exclusions from normal child abuse laws.. I have no friends left. I really had no friends ever that knew my real story or stuck around in my life; I wasn't allowed to have any and then they programmed me to not be able to connect normally and be easily accessed by predators. I don't even know my whole story at all and it's terrifying and empty. I'm tired of investigating myself and my life. Dissociative amnesia without anyway to trigger memory, is just amnesia. I have no way to get any memory back ever since I stored the moment with the people and places I existed in at the time. They are not coming back unless to hurt me. So neither are my memories, I guess. There is no way to survive when you cannot remember yourself and lose pieces of you as time goes on from abuse/neglect. I haven't seen my mother in a longer span of time than I lived with her. I can't remember her face. But sometimes I can almost smell her and I regress so much younger and sob/panic relentlessly. To love a woman who doesn't love you back. To be so confused if you forgot something important and have it wrong. Then to wake up realizing a stockholm syndrome or abused part was just out and that I probably won't ever see her again and that she fucking hates me. Or does she? Of course she does. But does she? ? The fucking visions I get are horrifying. One I can't stomach the most is one of seeing my mother age rapidly and die and turn to bones in front of me very eyes. In that moment I always black out and wake up violently suicidal. I just want my mom. Everything could be ok if she just cared about me. Everything is not because she doesn't. My cat is gone, she meant the world to me. My brother is gone, I didn't save him. My brother from another mother is gone, and I didn't save him. Three other friends died I couldn't save from this world we were trapped in.. I can't have kids and alI I ever lived for was to be a mom, and I worked my ass off to be a good mom and not repeat the abuse/torture and not mess up my kids because I got damaged. All for nothing. It won't ever happen. What a waste of effort truly. Everything I ever worked for in life was sabotaged and rendered meaningless. Kind of makes me want to go hang out in the dark and read Nietzsche bit what the fuck is the point. I got fucked out of being a parent or getting married by my family, church people, the gov and psych system and now it's too late really. My asshole siblings are procreating though.and I'll never know their children. And they will all grow up to be very damaged people, since I know my siblings are horrible parents. I cannot adopt because of being framed and in poverty. Got screwed out of an education and trauma and mkultra gave me a learning disorder so even after 20 years of un- indoctrinating and de-manipulating, de-propagandizing and self educating -I'm not really still anywhere near peers of the same intelligence who had a normal education. I have no idea how to go to school and needed $, trauma help and parental support to make that happen. I have never owned my own house or furniture that wasn't from a garage sale. It appears I never likely will. I haven't left an apartment besides walks since 2016. I haven't left the current apt even for walks since covid. I have no ideas or skills to make a living and all skills learned in the past are in alters that don't exist anymore or are dormant. The 11 yr old alter with ambition dreams and serious confusion what direction to go in, has been dissociated for three decades now. Might as well bury her too. No part has support of any kind and never did. Never ever had emotional support. Ever. Parents being psychopaths and narcisstic, I wasn't allowed to have emotion unless it was at church and for other people. It destroyed me. I am an empath. Closest I got was church people who were also abusing me and being insincere. I loved them all, deeply, with god's love and they plotted and set me up to die. The very people who told me I had such immense potential all my years growing up, kicked me away, shunned me, lied about me, attacked me emotionally, and verbally and eventually threw me on the streets to die when I was incredibly vulnerable physically and traumatically, they tricked me, pretending to support. This isn't even a thorough list of the reasons to die. Many I cannot talk about publicly, so nobody can help any of us with those serious issues. And I know there's no point in saying all, though it's needed, because most likely people will not want to believe me.
I'm insane now. I really don't think of myself seriously as d.i.d. anymore. Nobody respected it. They destroyed what I protected and left me defenseless, so I guess I'm insane now as everything bleeds and crashes into eachother's amnesiac barriers. The nice and neat compartments and beings are left to glitch out endlessly and confuse everything I used to understand about my mind. Nobody helped me survive with a fractured brain and psychological trauma and I've almost died - I don't know how many times -because of the danger of being alone and having no security as a highly dissociative multiple in pain. I barely eat. I barely shower now. I barely pay attention to my dog the way he deserves . I don't clean a thing. Neither does my roommate and this apt is trashed..cluttered and gross. I don't even care enough to do antyhing. My skin looks like an orange peel from forced smoking. I have severe breathing problems. I got all of this under control years ago but with no trauma support cannot stop what another independent mind does because of torture. The biggest reason of all, seems to be finding out that nobody loved me or cared about me, AT ALL and I have no hope for that ever happening. Not a friend, not a lover, not a child. Nobody I ever knew cares what happens to me, that I'm remotely aware of. I thought tons of people loved me and would have my back. I was promised that in an oath and ceremony from church elders and congregants to look after me and my siblings for life. A promise from the church ruling government that our time spent in servitude and slavery would be met with a lifetime of support. All lies. I never worried to the extent I should have about my life prospects because I wasn't allowed to and I wasn't knowing I needed to. I believed in the people even when I didn't believe in their god. The other biggest reason is knowing everyone wants me dead. Not loving me is one thing, but wanting me to suffer and die?! For some parts it's motivation to fight out of spite to live. But it's so beyond hopeless now. The weight is too large. Nothing could have happened to me, never got injured or attempted murdered, never would have lost an education or had a sabotaged career and never would have gotten framed if I had any true friends or support. That's literally the only reason why my life fell apart and I've been almost killed so many times.
I will not live alone and suffer anymore. None of this is or was my fault, no matter how it seems to readers if there are any. I can't understand why I lived my entire life in service and it isn't recognized or matter to any christian or citizen or person of "authority". I belong nowhere and everyone I meet has a problem with my existence in some way or another (because of how they made me and what they made me as and what I/we/they did with it). Previous middle class and upper class friends discarded me quick when I became homeless and was struggling with life and unknown trauma. It was rapid. And now I get treated like that's not my world. As if I never belonged there. Being viewed as gutter trash by everyone I ever used to know is beyond what I can deal with. I know they are assholes, but it's awful. Being left in poverty to die is no way to live. I have no quality of life at all and haven't for many many many years.
The way I die, is, I just stop trying to fight the suicidal parts/energies. I didn't create them, I can't stop them, and no one I ever reached out to, helped or cared. At some point your fingers will give way holding the branch and you will fall. That's where I'm at. I can't exist in hyperarousal every day. No human could. Your heart will give out. I am having heart problems too. It's pathetic.
And I'm so triggered by my contrasting life story with all the religious people in the world. The impossibility of communicating with them or participating in any discussions. I have no idea where I belong I feel like I'm not a valid person. My life as a pk was a total set up. I know I'm not the only one because I've met others in most of the major christian sects. They did things to alienate me and my siblings from church congregants and everyone on the planet. They told us things, showed us things and made us be a particular way. A way that everyone else couldn't know about. To this day I have never had a spiritual life or had help understanding life, death and all the lies I was taught. I feel like I would be one of the few people other than children who die young, not having that spiritual protection that religion promises. I got fucked out of it. And it makes me feel inhuman and totally worthless. It triggers isaac (ten yr old alter sacrificed to die) to be in that hospital at age 15 with a tube down his throat. Looking at my father as he acts like nothing happened telling me my mother didn't care.
And even with all that said, I pretty much feel numb right now. Parts are making peace with what we believe is the inevitable. Others are screaming silently..others just waiting..others threatening to do harm to others if death does not come soon or some genuine relief. I want to paint my actual list, not this here, on the sides of church walls, for everyone to read every shaming, humiliating nasty exposing detail of why I'm departing. That won't happen because I don't have the energy.
This is taking bravery to send. I really feel like I should delete it. Posting anyway I guess. Tired of muting voices who never had free speech but I'm not sure how happy others will be this got posted. Please keep this info here, ty.