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No way out?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EvolutionFails, Jan 21, 2008.

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  1. I feel like life is only worth living if people genuinely like you and want to be around you. However, I don't feel that's the case whatsoever in my life. I used to have a circle of friends from work, who act the same around me, say they want to hang out outside of work, but then always flake out. Not once has it come through in the last couple months. There is one friend I have outside of work, but now he seems reluctant to be around me. In his own words, "you're really getting annoying, every time we talk you just bitch about something." My boss has no respect for me, and I lose my temper nearly every night at work. Meeting new people is nearly impossible. Let me think of the choices I have:

    -Talk to a random person sitting next to me at school: Community college generally doesn't work for meeting new people. Everyone I do talk to in class has their own life and is set in their own ways, and has no desire to change their daily routine.

    -Internet dating service?: $30 a month for a last-ditch desperation effort where 95% of the women are gay men in disguise, and the other 5% that actually lack a Y-chromosome are either gold-digging or looking for someone older (30+, whereas I'm 19)? I'll pass.

    -Quitting my job: I honestly can't do better than what I have right now.

    -Anti-depressants: Taking pills to act like the normal, functionable majority? That goes against everything I ever learned about natural selection. Plus, I don't think the side effects of weight gain, impotence, joint pain and an increased risk of suicide are going to help my social life.

    -Attempt suicide again: I don't want to do it, but I would rather feel nothing than live with the tornado of rage, anger, worthlessness and despair whirling around in my brain every waking moment. However, if I attempt and fail again, I don't have health insurance to cover the involuntary hospital suicide watch (which cost $16,000 last time, about a year and a half's worth of my current pay). That will just leave me bankrupt and even worse off before. And my status as the town crazy crackhead lunatic will be further solidified.

    I really am stuck. Half the time I think something good may happen, and the other half of the time my expectations are shot down and I wish my state-imposed ban from purchasing a firearm wasn't in effect for another three years.

    All I want is a peer who cares about me. I want to have a positive impact on someone's life. However, it seems that everyone I know for an extended period leaves worse off than before. I don't know what to do, except wait out a few more miserable decades.

    I remember having feelings as early as 7 or 8 years old that I never chose to be alive, that I was forced upon the world. It gets worse every day now. Ever since I got sober, I've caught myself yelling at myself, mumbling random words and glaring at people for no reason.

    I hope a nuke hits San Francisco soon. That would take care of it all for me.
  2. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    :arms: I don't know what to say hun :[[ We're here for you ok? :hug:

    And try not to take your last option. You can get through. You'll find someone. I know what it is like to watch everyone you ever cared for and loved slowly walk away from you and want less and less to do with you. I'm sure alot of us do. But you've got to hang on in there ok? Don't give up =]

    Don't really know what else to say to be honest :/ Not at the moment anyways.

    Always here if you need to talk though. We all are, anytime :hug:

    Take care and keep strong hun,
  3. I don't really know what I'm looking for you, or anyone for that matter, to say. Ask questions. Dig in, relate, offer solutions that have helped you.

    It kind of sounds like I'm asking you people to play the role of therapist now that I think about it. This is probably because I came here expecting a population with some members that have healed. I would like to pick their brains. Also, there's a simple fact: if I told any counselor/therapist/shrink person the same things i said in the original post, I would be in the back of a police car on the way to another loony bin.

    I think this board has allowed me to express more detail through words than I've ever said to anybody. I wish I could give back as well, but I don't know how to respond to words. I usually find myself reading people by the tone of their voice and the look in their eyes, and finding more meaning there than anywhere else. Putting a smile on somebody else's face and knowing that you can make them feel good, and that they can and will reciprocate it, is a great feeling. One I haven't felt for a good 6 months.

    It's been painful to not have that. I don't even know why I left the drugs behind, they were the only numbing thing in my life. About a month or two ago, I got on a random health kick and thought that I would look and feel better. I admit I feel healthier, but I don't know if the short-temperedness and constant despair make it worth while anymore. I've been so tempted to smoke, snort and drink my brain away.

    From reading the posts here, you all seem like wonderful people. I'd like to give an extra thank you to the couple of you that have PM'ed me. I would like to talk to you further, I just don't have any ideas of what to say that would interest you. I wish I could meet one of you in real life and give you a hug.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I couldn't say I'm healed 'cos I'm just coming through a bit of disastrous xmas season... but I can tell you that in between these depressions, and occasional suicide attempts, I've made great friends, experienced great joy, and sadness, shared my life with beautiful and kind lovers, had fun adventures, and made some great art (no modesty here, eh? ha ha).

    Fact is, when I'm depressed or headed there I send out mixed signals to my friends, I'm alternately not available (won't return phone calls or emails) or extra clingy (let's hang out all night, every night, where are you, what are you doing, panic panic panic....), I'm alternately cold and hot to them. I've scared some away, but others are still here for me... after all these years... just patiently waiting for me to stop spinning out of control.

    You sound like a kind and thoughtful person, and for that reason I know you will make new friends. I don't have a "plan" for that... and I'm sorry your attempts so far have resulted in more loneliness. A kind word and a smile is all you need, and at some point someone will share that back with you.

    I'm glad you are in recovery, I don't know for how long but I've been there and it sure can be a lonely and raw place, at least for the first year. I honestly felt like I was growing a new skin. But by the second year it was better. And better yet by the third year....

    As for meds, I'm not on any but I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I'm determined to beat this depression and I'm willing to try something new 'cos this urge to self-destruct is just too strong most days. I need all the help I can get to survive.
  5. forlorn

    forlorn Staff Alumni

    you need meds, its a chemical in balance thats the root of all this I'm sure. Stop getting angry with the world anger pushes people away who want to help. Take care and I hope you go the doctors for your own good. Hang on in there the meds have helped me hang on and the people on this forum. Just ask for help.
  6. nightangel

    nightangel Member

    Medication can help.... But it's not the ultimate answer. The first thing that came to my head when I read your post was group therapy - you can find a youth group, hopefully meet some people your own age going through the same shit.
  7. The side effects aren't worth it to me, and I refuse to need unnatural aid to be normal. Once again, I will bring up natural selection. Did all the dogs, cats, pandas, trees and goldfish, and pre-20th century humans need pills to keep them alive? If I need them to keep me alive, then my genetic makeup is not meant to continue on into the future.

    I have been in search of a group therapist, but cannot seem to find one listed.
  8. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    This is based off the assumption the side effect will affect you, which you don't know if you don't try. If they do, you can simply change medications or get off them completely.

    Normal is a subjective term, what is normal to one may not be normal to another.

    This is based off the assumption that depression and suicidal behavior is based solely on genetics.. which it isn't. Social factors and other things play a role as well.
  9. So I stop taking them and all the damage that they could possibly do goes away forever?

    Also, all of the people I personally know who have taken them were not helped by them, and were actually worse off until they got off of them. Speaking of being off of medication, my brother (who is an EMT) took a man to the hospital last week because the police shot him. Why did they shoot him? He was off of his anti-depressants for two days and started swinging a steak knife at anyone who came near him, while repeatedly screaming "SLASHING!"

    Reading some of the posts here, some members of this community have said they've taken medication, yet they feel empty and soulless inside (referring to a topic in the treatment forum). Also, some of you still want to die, but do take medication. What's the probabilty of any of these working anyways? I would like a hard concrete percentage to look at.
  10. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    I'm not advocating for you to get on medication, I'm just saying you should keep options open :)

    You pointed out negative personal experiences, and negative things of medication not helping people on these forums, but you still have to consider the times where it has helped and improved people.

    This is a question you'll need to find out for yourself, as I'm unsure if there are any statistics on this. Everyone's body and mind are different, so if you used the success or unsuccessful rate of others, it may not provide an accurate conclusion to either take medication or not. You could try doing some Google searches to find further information with statistics.

    Also, concerning side effects, I do know there are medications that have less chance / not as bad side effects than other medications.
  11. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    Don't worry what other people may think of you, they are probably all knobheads anyway.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    were here for you hun :hug: if you need to talk, feel free to pm me :hug:
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