I feel like life is only worth living if people genuinely like you and want to be around you. However, I don't feel that's the case whatsoever in my life. I used to have a circle of friends from work, who act the same around me, say they want to hang out outside of work, but then always flake out. Not once has it come through in the last couple months. There is one friend I have outside of work, but now he seems reluctant to be around me. In his own words, "you're really getting annoying, every time we talk you just bitch about something." My boss has no respect for me, and I lose my temper nearly every night at work. Meeting new people is nearly impossible. Let me think of the choices I have: -Talk to a random person sitting next to me at school: Community college generally doesn't work for meeting new people. Everyone I do talk to in class has their own life and is set in their own ways, and has no desire to change their daily routine. -Internet dating service?: $30 a month for a last-ditch desperation effort where 95% of the women are gay men in disguise, and the other 5% that actually lack a Y-chromosome are either gold-digging or looking for someone older (30+, whereas I'm 19)? I'll pass. -Quitting my job: I honestly can't do better than what I have right now. -Anti-depressants: Taking pills to act like the normal, functionable majority? That goes against everything I ever learned about natural selection. Plus, I don't think the side effects of weight gain, impotence, joint pain and an increased risk of suicide are going to help my social life. -Attempt suicide again: I don't want to do it, but I would rather feel nothing than live with the tornado of rage, anger, worthlessness and despair whirling around in my brain every waking moment. However, if I attempt and fail again, I don't have health insurance to cover the involuntary hospital suicide watch (which cost $16,000 last time, about a year and a half's worth of my current pay). That will just leave me bankrupt and even worse off before. And my status as the town crazy crackhead lunatic will be further solidified. I really am stuck. Half the time I think something good may happen, and the other half of the time my expectations are shot down and I wish my state-imposed ban from purchasing a firearm wasn't in effect for another three years. All I want is a peer who cares about me. I want to have a positive impact on someone's life. However, it seems that everyone I know for an extended period leaves worse off than before. I don't know what to do, except wait out a few more miserable decades. I remember having feelings as early as 7 or 8 years old that I never chose to be alive, that I was forced upon the world. It gets worse every day now. Ever since I got sober, I've caught myself yelling at myself, mumbling random words and glaring at people for no reason. I hope a nuke hits San Francisco soon. That would take care of it all for me.