no way out

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by weltunter, Dec 14, 2008.

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  1. weltunter

    weltunter Member

    I'm new to this place, so hello there.
    I've always had trouble talking about myself. And if I do (rarely so) it feels as if I were talking about a stranger, or I lie as in playing it down. To myself, to the person listening to me.

    English isn't my native language, so I apologise in advance for any errors in grammar and/or spelling. Since it is not my native tongue it'll be easier for me to talk about myself. It feels less personal which gives me the opportunity to try to begin with.

    I'm currently stuck in a situation I fail to solve. It has been an ongoing process for 1 1/2 years, now finally crashing down on me with full force. My depression/aggression/issues have destroyed a lot for me. I've stagnated completely. I am unable to move even the tiniest bit, the most simple task a burden I cannot overcome.

    The only way out seems to lie in ending it all. I've tried to finish this existence thrice so far. But now I am in an even worse situation than ever before, and my pride refuses to ask for help.
    I do not want to have to kill myself, but even less so I wish to continue this pathetic life. I'm too old to start anew. I have accomplished nought so far. Either my mind or life in general always found a way to sabotage everything.

    I know, I won't ever change. I have no goals nor joys, never had any. I used to wander this place aimlessly, and now I'm not moving at all. I'm 26 and never even had a relationship. I don't know love (unless you count one-sided desire and dreams). I see no reason to continue, yet I'm scared to just end it simply because I failed before. Too scared to kill myself in fear of failure, too scared and proud to check in at a psychiatric hospital. Not to mention I did try therapy, and not just once, twice with medication that did not help at all.

    I'd rather face this fear of possibly failing my death and possibly ending up disfigured than ask for help. And this fear chokes me so much my throat is hurting. But since I'm an emotional failure as well I cannot even cry.

    All I am is fear, anger, and rage. I cannot even remember the last time I was sad. Every negative emotion turns into rage. A rage I cannot let out cause there is no one to blame.
    I used to cut myself to quench it, but it stopped working. Then I tried to drown it with booze, but after several months I got nightmares from that. I used to do drugs, too, but after several horror trips I couldn't do that anymore either. The only thing which somewhat sedates me is music.

    My current situation means I'll probably lose my apartment in the next few weeks, but first my electricity will be shut off.
    I guess, then I will definitely have reached the finish line of pathetic. One cannot sink lower than that.

    Whatever it is that went wrong with me, it finally has won. It must have been there since forever. I know from my father that, already aged two, I was unusually aggressive, albeit not toward others but myself and things dear to me. And back then my life was still normal.

    Once I am on the streets I suppose my biggest wish will be granted at last. Peace.
    I just wish it wouldn't frighten me so much.

    I'm surprised I even managed to write that much about myself.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, weltunter,

    I'm sorry to hear you feel so low right now. :hug:

    You mention that you are too old to start over. It's never too late to start over. (I did - at 40. :smile:)

    It's really not uncommon to not have a gf/bf in your mid-twenties. I've known others just like that who married and have kids now.

    I'm sorry the therapy and medication didn't work for you. Sometimes you have to "shop around" and "try out" therapists until you find one you click with. Perhaps you could it another try. It may take seeing a few before you find the right one. It's similar with the meds. There are many antidepressants out there. Everyone is different, and not every AD will work for every person. It can take a few different trials with different meds to find the right one (or combination) that works for you.

    Suicide would stop you from having any sort of life at all - good or bad. Life has ups and downs. There will be better times for you.

    If you feel you are going to hurt yourself or attempt, please put aside your pride and pluck up your courage and head to the emergence room of a hospital. Hold on and stay safe. :hug:
  3. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    The economic crisis is hitting everyone hard.
  4. weltunter

    weltunter Member

    I would have to start from a scratch. I don't even have a degree in anything nor a graduation (my father had kicked me out before I finished school). I tried to finish it, but I didn't manage. At first I thought it was the meds since I couldn't concentrate at all. It got a bit better, but then other problems (financial) came, and it completely killed it for me. I didn't even have the strength to show up there anymore. My health has got so bad I don't have the power for a job anymore, and for that I was on social welfare. But they didn't believe me nor my doctor, kicked me out of the system etc. I have no health insurance either, though those people demand about 10,000€ from me. Something the state normally pays for here in Germany (hooray socialism), but in my case there always have been problems with these people. Not just once, but four times. Maybe they know I'm a waste of space, maybe that's why they kept kicking me out of the system.

    It worked. I'm crushed completely now. I cannot even go to their offices anymore because I'd freak out. I'd either have a nervous breakdown or snap and attack one of them since they're extremely rude and put all the blame on you. I've worked for 6 years, paid mytaxes so that in case of unemployment the state would help me, but they simply don't want to. It makes me irate beyond compare. I've struggled with these people ever since I needed their help for the first time, and now I don't have it in me anymore. I simply cannot do it anymore. I did have to use legal help four times.
    I tried to get a social worker, like a friend of mine has, but I did not get one.

    As long as I went to school my grandmother helped me out with the money. But now that I'm not going anymore I cannot ask her for money. She also doesn't believe in depression, so she thinks I had legal troubles only.
    I felt terrible taking her money, she'll be needing it once she has to go to a nursing home. She's 80 now, so that might happen quite soon.

    I don't know how hard this constant stress has worked on my body, but I've become so numb I didn't even feel the withdrawal from nicotine when I stopped smoking (no money, so I had to).

    Without the health insurance I cannot go to a hospital. I'm afraid to be locked up anyway. I was in such a hospital for 24 hrs once cause I wanted to jump out of the window.
    I'm afraid to stay there for too long as I'd lose everything I own (which is not much). Again, I'd rather be dead.

    I've been in therapy numerous times, starting when I was 8 years old. I spent 3 years in a therapeutic foster family; the stay included therapy as well.

    Life has ups downs? I don't remember the ups. There have been none (I'm not counting parties where I got drunk/high, ended up having unfulfilling and boring sex with someone I wouldn't ever see again).
    When I said I don't know love I did not just mean sexual relationships. I'm sure my grandmother loves me, but I do not feel it. I feel nothing when I hug a friend.

    I have not been able to pay my rent for two months, same with electricity. One way or the other I'll be gone pretty soon.
  5. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    hey you, hope that things have looked up for you since these your posts, hope that you managed to keep the little that you have.
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