I'm new to this place, so hello there. I've always had trouble talking about myself. And if I do (rarely so) it feels as if I were talking about a stranger, or I lie as in playing it down. To myself, to the person listening to me. English isn't my native language, so I apologise in advance for any errors in grammar and/or spelling. Since it is not my native tongue it'll be easier for me to talk about myself. It feels less personal which gives me the opportunity to try to begin with. I'm currently stuck in a situation I fail to solve. It has been an ongoing process for 1 1/2 years, now finally crashing down on me with full force. My depression/aggression/issues have destroyed a lot for me. I've stagnated completely. I am unable to move even the tiniest bit, the most simple task a burden I cannot overcome. The only way out seems to lie in ending it all. I've tried to finish this existence thrice so far. But now I am in an even worse situation than ever before, and my pride refuses to ask for help. I do not want to have to kill myself, but even less so I wish to continue this pathetic life. I'm too old to start anew. I have accomplished nought so far. Either my mind or life in general always found a way to sabotage everything. I know, I won't ever change. I have no goals nor joys, never had any. I used to wander this place aimlessly, and now I'm not moving at all. I'm 26 and never even had a relationship. I don't know love (unless you count one-sided desire and dreams). I see no reason to continue, yet I'm scared to just end it simply because I failed before. Too scared to kill myself in fear of failure, too scared and proud to check in at a psychiatric hospital. Not to mention I did try therapy, and not just once, twice with medication that did not help at all. I'd rather face this fear of possibly failing my death and possibly ending up disfigured than ask for help. And this fear chokes me so much my throat is hurting. But since I'm an emotional failure as well I cannot even cry. All I am is fear, anger, and rage. I cannot even remember the last time I was sad. Every negative emotion turns into rage. A rage I cannot let out cause there is no one to blame. I used to cut myself to quench it, but it stopped working. Then I tried to drown it with booze, but after several months I got nightmares from that. I used to do drugs, too, but after several horror trips I couldn't do that anymore either. The only thing which somewhat sedates me is music. My current situation means I'll probably lose my apartment in the next few weeks, but first my electricity will be shut off. I guess, then I will definitely have reached the finish line of pathetic. One cannot sink lower than that. Whatever it is that went wrong with me, it finally has won. It must have been there since forever. I know from my father that, already aged two, I was unusually aggressive, albeit not toward others but myself and things dear to me. And back then my life was still normal. Once I am on the streets I suppose my biggest wish will be granted at last. Peace. I just wish it wouldn't frighten me so much. I'm surprised I even managed to write that much about myself.