no where to go

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by imovableobject, Sep 21, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. imovableobject

    imovableobject New Member

    I somehow feel like my own personal crisis is unworthy to be here, I feel like there are people in greater need than I and my problems can wait but i can't keep this to myself anymore. I think every day about who I am and why I’m here. I think about my life what I thought it would be, what I wanted to do, and what has happened. I realize that not only have I done nothing with my life that I wanted to but I will never accomplish anything I wanted to do, not likely anyway. I wanted to be a part of law enforcement, that never happened and I’m too old to accomplish that now. I realize some dreams just don’t work out so I adjusted my dreams, I realized I love working with computers and the college degree I need is not only financially out of reach but if the time came that I could afford it my wife wants me to give up on that. I wanted to be a father and as time goes on I feel more and more that may never happen. I love my family but at the same time I wonder how much I am loved by anyone in my life, the smallest things I ask for from so many people are met with “but I don’t want to” or some form of a denial many times all I ask is for someone to spend time with me, it doesn’t appear anyone I care for is willing to think of me and what I may need. I gave up the only escape I ever had from all this… World Of Warcraft, and I was addicted to it but I don’t know anymore if I was addicted to the game or the refuge it game me, and my wife still hybrinates in her room on the computer and I am left to deal with all the stress I had before with nowhere to turn to escape from it. I feel my blood pressure rise high every day and no one cares, when it kills me will anyone care that I am gone or that it could have been prevented? I feel myself thinking more and more about wanting it to be over, I am no longer sure I even want to just get away for a while because all these problems will be waiting for me when I return, and even if I didn’t come back some of these problems will follow me. I am so tired of never having a place I just feel safe and comfortable. My room isn’t really safe because my sister in her drunken rages or her 1 AM requests for more beer, and if I say no it gets very bad. I can’t be comfortable down stairs anymore because my sister constantly wants to hang out down here and all the pain and suffering she causes makes me so tense even when she isn’t misbehaving. I also think I might be getting a little angry with my mother over always talking about helping me and never following through. She doesn’t want to have to chose between her kids and I understand but she is going to have to take a stand someday with my sister or she could run everyone else away… and the question is will it happen before any real damage is done. I have cried silently every night for the last couple weeks because I can no longer find a sanctuary even in my mind anymore… I can’t escape no matter what. I don’t think I am really suicidal because I when I think about death while I see it as a release I also know that it could hurt people badly, I think people love me but they take me for granted, should I take my own life I think it would hurt my family but I don’t think anyone remembers I need to see that they do once in a while.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Welcome to SF. :hug: I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Have you tried talking to your wife about how you feel?

    Hope you'll keep posting here; my PM box is always open if you want to talk.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...your problems sound meaningful to me and quite worthy of our and your attention...have you ever spoken to anyone about what you would need to do to feel more free? that does not necessarily mean moving out, but finding a way to feel more comfortable in your own deserve to feel comfort and should spend your energy finding what that means for you...hope you find better times, big hugs, J
  4. imovableobject

    imovableobject New Member

    To be honest my wife is the least of the problem, her biggest behavior is just ignoring me, I dont think intentionally but i keep telling her i need her to pay some attention to me, i need someone to lean on a bit and it never helps. Most of what bothers me is my sister's drug and alcohol addiction and her emotionally and sometimes violent behavior. Her violent outbursts arent at people but at objects, such as punching mirrors, walls, kicking doors. etc. She was the victim of an attempted murder but she obviously survived. She was a drug mule for some dealers and a prostitute and she admits to stealing drugs from these dealers and stealing money from guys when she was prostituting. This is very likely the reason she was hurt because neither of those types of people, johns and drug dealers are people that will be forgiving if they catch their people stealing from them. When my mother tries to stand up for anyone else she uses my mom's fear of her running off and getting hurt again to break my moms heart and will. I dont want to sound like I blame my sister for her injuries because no matter what she did she didnt deserve to be hurt like that. But she uses the fact that it was her behavior that put her in that position against my mom because she is still an addict, even after being in a coma for around 3 months the first thing she did when she was able to is start using again and she is an abusive person when she is under the influence. Thats why I am trying really hard to not let it come between my mom and I but my mom is enabling her out of fear and its not right that she be enabled to a behavior that causes her to hurt everyone around her. My wife and I have no where to go either so we can't move away from it. My blood pressure rises dangerously around my sister because even if she isnt acting abusive at the moment, the smallest thing sets her off so I live in a constant state of fear. There is little I can do at the moment, at least i can write here and see if sharing these feelings and frustrations can at least release some of the anger and hurt that builds because of the circumstances.

    thank you for taking the time read this and lending your voice, it helps when i know someone out there understands the pressure that this envirenment creates.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I truly understand your position i live it everyday with mydaughter. She uses fear tactics on me her fathrer and she does do it. we are a prisoner here under her rule and it make me sick it really does. We let her go and she trys to kill self or has men abuse her it is hell both ways there is no way out. I amtrying so hard to get professional help for my daughter as so should you mom for your sister. Get her the help she needs to get clean and stay cleam We enable them because we have no help we have no support to help us get our kids safe No one cares enough really. I feel for all of you and the hell your sister is putting your through i hope that someone steps up to plate and give her the help she needs take care.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.