no will to live

[bipolarkitty]

I finally admitted something to myself: I don't care if I die. I know that's been rolling around in my head for a long time now, but something's changed about what that idea means to me. It means my will to live is really gone.

Recently my therapist asked me if I would care if something happened to me, and I said no. But my answer was cavalier. I've thought a lot about it since then. And I've really taken a look inside myself. I realized that now it really is coming from the core of my being. I really don't care if I die.

It's real to me now. The illusions are all gone.

I'm scared. Scared of my life actually ending, although I know that's the survival instinct. Scared of the end hurting. Scared that if I'm honest with my therapist, he'll have me hospitalized.

I want to live. But if the price of living is all this mental pain, then the price is too high. I've gotten nothing but pain and empty promises for 18 years. I wish someone could convince me that in 50 years I won't be exactly the same, but I know that no one can tell me what's in the future. All I have to go on is history, and history says it won't ever change. Enough is enough. I'm done.

 

[Maxii..]

as everyone who is not mentally ill.. you're not saying that you don't wanna live.. you're saying that you don't wanna live your life..
so.. you're saying that you're 18 years old.. why don't you start a new life?.. move from wherever you're living.. quit you're current job.. get a new one in a new city.. or in a new area of the city.. make new friends.. buy a brand new CD collection.. listen to the beatles.. "love.. love.. love".. or to U2 "we need love and peace.." (i love making quotes.. :P)
go out.. if you have to go out alone.. go out alone.. if i can do it.. anyone can..
and.. GET a boyfriend.. or.. even better.. a "friend with benefits".. a boyfriend is too much to worry about.. taking into account that you don't know what to do with your own life..


i hope this is usefull..
and remember.. you don't want to stop living.. you want to stop living your current life..

 

[bipolarkitty]

as everyone who is not mentally ill.. you're not saying that you don't wanna live.. you're saying that you don't wanna live your life..
so.. you're saying that you're 18 years old.. why don't you start a new life?.. move from wherever you're living.. quit you're current job.. get a new one in a new city.. or in a new area of the city.. make new friends.. buy a brand new CD collection.. listen to the beatles.. "love.. love.. love".. or to U2 "we need love and peace.." (i love making quotes.. :P)
go out.. if you have to go out alone.. go out alone.. if i can do it.. anyone can..
and.. GET a boyfriend.. or.. even better.. a "friend with benefits".. a boyfriend is too much to worry about.. taking into account that you don't know what to do with your own life..


i hope this is usefull..
and remember.. you don't want to stop living.. you want to stop living your current life..

First of all, I do have a mental illness. It's called Bipolar I Disorder. Currently there is no cure for it. There are medical treatments that can help reduce the symptoms, but they have yet to find the combination that works for me.

Secondly, I can't just move, get a new job, or buy cd's and that will make all my problems go away. I have a physical illness caused by an imbalance in brain chemistry. My illness is such that it is the part of my brain that governs feelings that is sick. The pain is unavoidable, no matter where I am or what I do or who I'm with (I'm married to a great guy, have been for 14 years).

Starting a new life is not an option for me. Unfortunately, it's not life circumstances that are causing my pain - it's a part of who I am, how my brain works. And that, I will never be able to get away from.

But you are right about one thing - I do not want to live my life.

And for future reference, I'm not 18. I'm 34. I've lived with this pain for the last 18 years, since I was 16. And I go out alone all the time. I enjoy it.

 

[ace]

I'm so sorry and feel exactly the same way and many say otherwise because obviously they don't live and experience our pain,we'd love to live a normal life without this horrid illness but sadly feel it will never happen.

 

[bipolarkitty]

I'm so sorry and feel exactly the same way and many say otherwise because obviously they don't live and experience our pain,we'd love to live a normal life without this horrid illness but sadly feel it will never happen.

Exactly. I know everyone has their own problems, and I don't compare mine to anyone else's. The problems are different, but the pain hurts just as much. I know that.

But this is something I can't get away from. This illness is horrid and I'm so very very tired of it. I don't want to live with it anymore.

 

[ace]

Exactly. I know everyone has their own problems, and I don't compare mine to anyone else's. The problems are different, but the pain hurts just as much. I know that.

But this is something I can't get away from. This illness is horrid and I'm so very very tired of it. I don't want to live with it anymore.

I understand it to the max darl and it's such a bastard and rob's you of everything,you have all these loves yet you can't enjoy them as much as you should because of the depression.Unless people have been there or well suffer it they don't know what it's like,oh and all these techniques really don't work much I found because if they did I would've flicked that switch ages ago also.

 

[bipolarkitty]

I would have done them too. If getting a new job or moving would help, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But we can't get away from ourselves.

I have a lot of things in my life that I love. But this freakin bipolar taints everything. :sad:

 

[ace]

I would have done them too. If getting a new job or moving would help, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But we can't get away from ourselves.

I have a lot of things in my life that I love. But this freakin bipolar taints everything. :sad:

It sure does it definitely does where ever you go or are it dominates and just thinking it will change doesn't mean anything.simple here I'm not going to lie to you or try to take you as a fool because I know what the suffering is like and what it's about.