Hi, I’m new to this site. I really have no will to live anymore. The first time I thought about suicide was a few years ago when I was 19. But I found a way to distract myself, but now the distraction is gone, and I just can’t deal with my life anymore. I used to be such a fun and lively kid. I had friends and I was happy. But things started to get really bad in high school and, without going into details, I’ve wanted to die since ninth grade. I’ve lost all my friends. I don’t know why. I was loyal and helpful and I gave so much of my time helping them with schoolwork (I was a good student). But they’ve ditched me over the years, and now I have no friends. I don’t speak to anyone other than family. My family sees me as a failure. Currently I’m not on speaking terms with my mom, and I only talk to my dad out of necessity. I have no relationship with my brother. I’m close to my grandmother, but it hurts to spend time with her because I’m such a big disappointment to her. I went to college and studied a subject I’m not passionate about. I chose that subject because I don’t feel passionate about anything (other than writing, which I will talk about later). I lost my job three months ago, and I have no will to look for another. I have extreme social anxiety (maybe even avoidant personality disorder). The thought of having to call people and send resumes and have interviews just makes me want to crawl into bed and lie there forever. The only reason I got my former job was because of my dad, who knew my boss. I don’t want to get married or have kids. I don’t think anyone could ever love me. I’m just such a loser and a failure and if I wasn’t such a coward, I’d just freakin kill myself. But I’m also scared to do it and I always wish God would just strike me with lightening. I’ve wanted to die since I was 14, but because I was really religious as a kid, I wouldn’t have ever contemplated actually committing suicide. But now my faith means nothing to me anymore, and I’d do it if there was an easy way. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hardly leave my house because I don’t want to see anyone and don’t want anyone to see me. There is only one thing that really means something to me, which is writing, but because of my anxiety, I’m too scared to get published. Also, my parents basically mock me for trying to write. When I was a teen I showed my first novel to my mom, and she told me I sucked. My dad mocks me when I’m at my computer typing. I wish there was a button to press that would just kill me. I’m just sick of this and I want it all to end. I know my situation isn’t as bad as others. But I don’t see any future for myself. I don’t want to get professional help. I don’t know why. The only thing that kept me going these past few years was the hope that things would get better. But they haven’t. Thanks for listening.