No will to live

Hi, I’m new to this site.

I really have no will to live anymore. The first time I thought about suicide was a few years ago when I was 19. But I found a way to distract myself, but now the distraction is gone, and I just can’t deal with my life anymore.

I used to be such a fun and lively kid. I had friends and I was happy. But things started to get really bad in high school and, without going into details, I’ve wanted to die since ninth grade. I’ve lost all my friends. I don’t know why. I was loyal and helpful and I gave so much of my time helping them with schoolwork (I was a good student). But they’ve ditched me over the years, and now I have no friends. I don’t speak to anyone other than family.

My family sees me as a failure. Currently I’m not on speaking terms with my mom, and I only talk to my dad out of necessity. I have no relationship with my brother. I’m close to my grandmother, but it hurts to spend time with her because I’m such a big disappointment to her.

I went to college and studied a subject I’m not passionate about. I chose that subject because I don’t feel passionate about anything (other than writing, which I will talk about later). I lost my job three months ago, and I have no will to look for another. I have extreme social anxiety (maybe even avoidant personality disorder). The thought of having to call people and send resumes and have interviews just makes me want to crawl into bed and lie there forever. The only reason I got my former job was because of my dad, who knew my boss.

I don’t want to get married or have kids. I don’t think anyone could ever love me. I’m just such a loser and a failure and if I wasn’t such a coward, I’d just freakin kill myself. But I’m also scared to do it and I always wish God would just strike me with lightening. I’ve wanted to die since I was 14, but because I was really religious as a kid, I wouldn’t have ever contemplated actually committing suicide. But now my faith means nothing to me anymore, and I’d do it if there was an easy way.

I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hardly leave my house because I don’t want to see anyone and don’t want anyone to see me. There is only one thing that really means something to me, which is writing, but because of my anxiety, I’m too scared to get published. Also, my parents basically mock me for trying to write. When I was a teen I showed my first novel to my mom, and she told me I sucked. My dad mocks me when I’m at my computer typing. I wish there was a button to press that would just kill me. I’m just sick of this and I want it all to end.

I know my situation isn’t as bad as others. But I don’t see any future for myself. I don’t want to get professional help. I don’t know why.

The only thing that kept me going these past few years was the hope that things would get better. But they haven’t.

Thanks for listening.

 

Welcome to the forum shy girl.
Many people here can relate to your despair.
Please read some posts, explore the forum.
Writing can be a wonderful release, sometimes i find answers to my questions just by reading a tame novel. How the author has decided to tackle a subject is always different.
Please keep on writing, take no notice of what others think, its what you think yourself that matters.
Stay safe and welcome once again.

 

You have written very well.. I enjoy reading what you wrote and i wanted to tell you to ignore the people who say negative things about your writing.. They are just plain insensitive and ignorant.. Just ignore them for whoever they are.. Try writing a novel and send it to the publisher and get comments from them.. Send to good publishers and see what they say.. Don't listen to negative remarks from anyone.. they will just demoralise you.. They are just jealous.. My parents always say i am a failure and i didn't listen to them for everything they say from that day onwards.. why..? reason is.. nothing good will come out from their mouths..

Don't give up on yourself.. People can under-estimate your abilities but you yourself cannot under-estimate yourself.. You need to have confidence and faith in yourself.. You know yourself better.. Fight it, don't let negative remarks get into you.. Negative remarks always come out from ignorant and insensitive idiots.. Remember this..

*Please don't scold me for what i have written..*

Welcome to the forum.. :hug: Cheers..

 

Welcome, I hope you continue to post here and find the release that you need.

You mentioned things about distracting yourself, sometimes thats all we can do.

Please dont see yourself as a failure, you graduated high school, went to college and assuming you graduated, there are soooo many that havent even made it that far, or even out the front door. So in my eyes your a talented, gifted person. Life may not have turned out the way you thought, but truly most times it never does and some of us dont find our niche until well later on in life, are you still looking for yours? Ask yourself what in life would make you happy, really think about it and then make some list, and start working your way down the list until youve hit your achievement.

As for people saying your a failure, theyve talked you into believing something that is not true, its brainwashing to me, almost like a cult, if that makes any sense. Dont believe the negatives in life, youve obiously worked very hard to get where you are, your just at a crossroad in life, now you need to find out which way YOU want to go. You can either jump on the bus with all the other people and ride the train down to depressionville and live like you are now, or you can climb into your own car and make those decisions yourself.

As for what happened in 9th grade, let the past live in the past, I know thats so much easier said then done, but you need to start living for the future and make it yours.

PM anytime you need an ear to vent.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement. Not sure anything's going to get better, though.

 

please don't say bad things about yourself!

I think that you could be loved much more than you could possibly realize. Please remember, you are worthy of love.

 

Sounds like we're in the same exact positions right now with losing jobs and with avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety. Im god awful in conversations and i say the most absurd and nonsensical.

Don't let your family or friends get in the way of your dreams and goals.

Also, don't matter if you are in a better situation than others. If you are depressed, then you are depressed, just like most everyone else and you deserve the support since your family arent giving you any.

 

Thanks.

Thanks. Nice to know that others are in the same boat as me. I wish you lots of luck overcoming all your obstacles.