I am a male in my mid thirties. I am profoundly lonely. I recently relapsed after 6 years of sobriety and I have been using marijuana, cocaine, speed, MDMA, LSD, and others, but only marijuana on a daily basis. I have 2 children, who are the only light in my life. But they don't live with me, and their mother is trying to move several hours away. SHe and I split up 2 years ago. I went a bit crazy and was in one rebound relationship after another. The last was a girl half my age, and that didn't end well at all. I have been single for a year now. I took down all my dating site profiles. I am too needy and messed up to date. I gained a lot of weight. I own a successful home based business, which further isolates me. Lately, the loneliness and depression has been getting worse. I really want to die, but I can't put my children through that pain, so I am stuck here. I hate myself. I hope I get cancer or something. I went to see a therapist for the past 2 years and was on many different meds but they didn't work. I finally relapsed after taking pain meds for an infected tooth root. I went off the deep end haven't been able or willing to get back up. I tried going back to meetings and being sober again, but only lasted a couple weeks. My life is miserable. THe drugs make it almost bearable.