No words

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lexicon, Sep 24, 2010.

  1. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    I don't even know what to say. I need to rant and I don't even know what to do. I don't know who I hate, I don't know where to direct my anger because I hate me, I hate my ED, I hate my mother, I hate my therapist, I hate everything and everyone because nobody sees and nobody listens and GOD I don't know what to do.

    My eating disorder is killing me. I'm throwing up at least once a day, and even then barely tipping 1000 calories. I can't tell anybody. My mother thinks I'm attention-seeking and should "just sodding well eat". I get hurt because I let people walk all over me. I deserve this because I'm so bloody weak. My therapist for the ED isn't listening to how scared I am.

    So. What do I want?

    a) I want to go IP to deal with my eating disorder. I need to. I don't WANT to persay, because I love school etc etc but I can't live like this any more, I just can't and it's killing me.
    b) I want somebody to MAKE me go IP. I'll never be able to ask, I don't know why but it won't let me.
    c) I want my mother to just UNDERSTAND that this isn't my SODDING fault and I'm doing my best. I want her to feel.

    I want to escape, I want to run away and never be found. To be made to go IP, to stay there away from family and friends and just be forced to deal with food, because I can't do it on my own. I've tried for 7 years. I'm 17 and I've now attempted suicide so many times in so many ways, I talk to myself, I just... I'm a mess. It's so simple, I know what I want and it's so simple and I can't bloody well DO it. It just proves how weak I am, how this IS my fault and I AM attention seeking, clearly. I can't handle it on my own which makes me weak and pathetic.

    I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. Suicide doesn't even scare me how it used to, people say that death is the 'easy' way out but i'm sorry, if you think that you've not attempted to die. Dying is terrifying, it's final, you are making an attempt that you know will shatter people around you, will hurt people you care about (even if they don't care about you) because all deaths affect everyone, no matter how far away they are from you in reality. I want to die, not because I want death but because I don't want life. I want to escape. To disappear. To make everything ok and start again.

    I'm done.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Lexicon...you are so bright and so insightful so obviously, ED is a true disorder, one which is not your fault or your doing, per se...it is a complex, syndrome with many influences...I live in the US so I do not know your medical system, but what i do know is that you need to go get the medical attention you need...if someone you cared about asked you what s/he should do, what would you advise? Now go do that...hope you find the care you need...you deserve it...big hugs, J
     
  3. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    If you can convince a doctor or someone to sign you up for an IP program, is it binding, if your parents do not agree?
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You should a note to your mother explaining how you feel and what you need that you need ip to get well. Talk to your doctor get him to sign you in to ip Only you can make tis happen by asking NO one takes the time to see or hear these days they are all too busy with their own problems. YOU need to take control of you and get help. Write a note if you can't ask but do it NOW okay that way you will start to feel like living again