Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Annoyance, May 4, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Annoyance

    Annoyance Guest

    No chance of help.

    No chance of hope.

    How much longer do I bother with this futile existance?
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    What's made you feel like this? :hug:
  3. Annoyance

    Annoyance Guest

    Because there is no chance of me getting 'better'. So there is no hope for any sort of decent or normal future.

    I have no support, and can't get any.

    It's all fucked.

    Thanks for the reply though :)
  4. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    You have support here. Feel free to share your thoughts.
  5. Annoyance

    Annoyance Guest

    I just wish that was true. But it's not, hence the anonymous post. But thank you :)
  6. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    I hope you do get through this somehow, then.
  7. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    If there was a chance for you to get worse the there is a chance for you to get better. But it always means it lumped on you unfrotunatly. People can help you only so far, you have to feel good with yourself, face fears, remember good things. That sounds hard right?
    Not as hard as suffering the complete empty loneliness of attempting to kill yourself, succeding or not. Or lasting on a thread for years with nothing but pessimism. Talk to us.
  8. Annoyance

    Annoyance Guest

    Thanks Erebos

    That actually doesn't sound hard at all because I try on a daily basis to find positive things, to not thing too far ahead and deal with manageable amounts, I try to confront my fears and fight all the urges and images I have /see, I try to find a focus that can help me get through. I'm trying to build some sort of future for myself by making plans, researching, getting ideas, application forms, etc. I am doing everything within MY power to try and make things better for me. I try not to remember because I don't want to live in the past, I want to be able to move forward and away from this.

    The only professional that ever tried to help me was a counsellor, I saw her for a year and did everything I could to try and benefit from the sessions, but it all ended badly when she got really angry at me, and I lost all my trust for her and any other counsellor, and all the hard work I had done was shattered, and I was just left with memories that I could do nothing positive with because they hurt so much, and I didn't have enough knowledge to deal with them myself. Everyone else has just palmed me from person to person because they know they can't help me. Then there was no one left to palm me to, so they told me there was nothing wrong with me (despite being told I had an ED and BPD) and that was it.

    So that leaves me stuck with these problems and either finding a way to move forward, or not, and if I can't then there is no point in this existance.

    I am trying to find a way to move forward, I am doing productive things, making positive steps, fighting anxiety, and doing anything and everything I can to make things better. But, as I discovered last time I tried to make things better and get my life back, anytime I try to do something to actually push myself, my brain can't cope and I dissociate, making an attempt at taking my life, but not being consciously aware of doing it.

    And this happens time and time again when I get stressed. It seems that in order for me to have positive things in my life, that 'ill' part of my brain decides that I must also have the worst of the worst images/thoughts/urges and then eventually dissociate so that I no longer can control what happens.

    I wish it was an illness that I can get better from, yet I know I can't. I have not shown any improvement in the past 15 years, just gone down and down no matter how hard I fought. I don't know where this leaves me.

    Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate it, and that is probably the most honest I have been for ages, so thank you.
  9. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    No probs. I've got the same major concerns you say here now. I'm about to go and see a psycologist. How will I ever get better? I suppose its all about understanding it. If you understand something that makes you feel bad then fight it with an antidote. So, for example, if you suffer from anxiety, fight it using a combination of anti-anxiety medications and confidence training exercises.
    That doesnt mean its the only cure...
    It must feel bad becuase you have tried so hard and the results must seem pretty crummy for the work you put in, especially with the counsellor. Maybe you could do with a break. Away from enhancing your life and all these applications and things so that you can once again think of all the causes and cures and the tangled web of emotions. Document your feelings and always everyday do something that comforts you, even if it doesnt make you happy. I stay in bed a lot becuase i have no motivation. It doesnt make me happy but i feel safe when im there, like my life is disconnected with the rest of the world for those hours.
    To me it sounds as if your trying to build your life on rocky foundations. Go back to square one. Your trust for medical people is a bit of a problem. I'm sorry you got one who didnt have the patience for you. Maybe she got frustrated becuase she couldnt figure you out.
    But yeah, understanding. You must already understand a lot of what made you feel like this in the first place. If so, what are the antidotes? What order should you try and cure them.

    Sorry, ive lost my train of thought. I get that a lot... Good you're honest, just another show of how you want to get better. It's too easy to hide things.
    Take care for now :hug:
  10. Annoyance

    Annoyance Guest

    Not to start at the end, but I don't like to give in. I don't like to lose. And death is losing. But I am getting to the point that I don't even care. It's not like my death will affect anyone, so it is solely down to me.I want to fight, but what's the point if the battle is already lost?

    To be honest, your ideas are good, documenting stuff is always a good idea, and, if I saw that it might help, i.e. if anyone could help me figure it out, I would, but I can't see the point.

    Doing something every day that makes me feel safe is a really good idea. I will take that on board, thank you :)

    As for antidotes, I don't know what good ones are. Antidotes for intrusive images always seem to be ODS because that makes them go away for a while. Stuff like that.

    I do try to combat my social anxiety though, I do try to go out, even though it would be so much easier to just stay at home.

    I don't know the root causes of my problems, but I do know some big factors, but have NO idea how to solve them, or make it better, or anything like that.

    I am glad you are getting help. I was supposed to see a psychologist, but she went off sick, and then when I went back to my GP to get a referral to another one he said 'you clearly need to see a psychologist' but I will refer you to a counsellor for 6 sessions. Pointless.

    Thank you so much for your response. You won't ever know how much I appreciate it, so thank you so much.
  11. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I'm trying not to sound patronising here so if I am i'm sorry. A lot of people come here with no idea about depression. I was wondering if you ever considered that you might have it. A lot of the lack of energy to fight and the carelessness about the battle can come from clinical depression. I recommend you read up how depression can affect you and see if your mood matches that of a certain type and then look into it deeper. Not to say that you are depressed but people who have been wating to die over a period of time usually are. Also, paranoia is a product of depression in a lot of instances, or it can greatly increase an already smaller paranoia (anxiety).

    Can you tell me more about your thoughts and stuff? Are they like compulsive where you dont mean to think about them, they just happen? Or is it more, "shouldnt be thinking this but I want to for some strange reason".

    Always start small. Right now, depending on just how much fight you have left, you need a break. Just relax and find your 'comfort zone'. Retreat into it when you need to. I think the stigma of trying to get better and not succeding has tainted your view that you can still get better, or feel happier. This is why I sugested starting from the beggining with it all, with very small steps, like I am now lol.
    Does anyone such as family or relations, friends, know what you've been through/going through?

    Btw, i'm Pete, nice to meet you. Sorry, I can talk the ears off a donkey sometimes.
  12. Annoyance

    Annoyance Guest

    You don't sound patronising :) And even if you did I wouldn't care because right now you are the only person who has made any kind of effort to help me, and I am so totally grateful to you, much more than you will ever believe :hug:

    I was originally diagnosed with depression about 2 and a half years ago (I had kept everything quiet until that point), and I have tried various different anti-deps, none of which worked. They then diagnosed me with BPD and also decided that I didn't have depression because I smiled, laughed, joked, etc, and totally ignored the fact that inside I am a sad, lonely mess.

    My laughing, etc, is a defense mechanism, and even after repeatedly ending up in hospital with ODs or whatever, just so long as I smiled they told me I was fine and sent me home. Then the next day, I would dissociate, do the same thing, back in hospital, smiled, sent home. I can't not smile.

    My thoughts. hmm. My brain seems to generate horrendous images of what it wants me to do to myself. The most recent time that happened I was doing something totally unrelated, and this image just came into my head, it actually took my breath away and freaked me out totally because it was totally different from anything my brain has ever shown me before.

    Sometimes I sit and plan suicides, or things I want to do to myself, and I use that as an escape. This is something I did as a kid to take me away from my parents shouting or anything that distressed me. So there are times when it is unintentional thoughts, but also intentional thoughts.

    Before a period of dissociation occurs my brain seems to tell me things to do, i.e. cut, or OD, or whatever and if I don't do what it tells me, then it shuts my conscious thought down and does it anyway. This is how I ended up sectioned before, because I was carrying out what the images in my brain were telling me to.

    My immediate family know. I had to move back in with my parents and brother because I couldn't work so couldn't pay rent. They have no idea the extent of what happens in my mind, but my anxiety is clear for people to see, and they obviously know I was sectioned, etc, they know I cut and also that I have hundreds of pills (because they found those when I was in hospital). But this is very much a 'sweep it under the carpet' household. Basically, they too are of the 'if you smile then you're fine' thing, so they have no idea how truly bad I feel on a daily basis.

    The last psych I saw told me that things can't really get better for me, because I'm not ill (despite the previous diagnoses, etc). So that is what convinced me I won't get better. He is a psych so clearly knows what he is talking about. I have not seen anyone mental health related since I left hospital, a good few months ago now, so I have tried to just find a way, day by day, forward. Mostly in a blur of cutting and ODs, but right now, due to physical problems I can't do either of those things, which has left me feeling worse than I have for a while because I know if I cut or OD then I will feel better for a bit, get a bit of relief. Having said that, if I don't do something soon I probably will end up doing it anyway, just under a dissociative state. I have already come close to it, but was able to bring myself back in time.

    Hi Pete, nice to meet you :) Please don't say sorry, because, like I said before I can't express my gratitude to you for reading and replying. I feel so alone, but the fact that you responded to me has made a difference :) You can call me Lou :) It's not my first name, but it is my middle name. I don't want to say who this is on here, but I felt rude not giving you a name, so Lou is cool :)
  13. Annoyance

    Annoyance Guest

    Wow, that was huge, sorry.
  14. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Alot of depressed people are like this. Most depressed people can look after other people (children, etc) but are hopeless at helping themselves. Very few people have ever seen me cry unless I've been in a very bad way and can't avoid it. It's just the nature of depression.

    I feel for you on this one. My family's the same until I get in a bad way and then they tell me to "get over it" :dry:

    Some doctors (of any type) really do not have a clue what they're on about. If they dismiss your diagnoses like that then they've go to have a pretty good reason - and they obviously don't have a great one if you're still feeling like this.

    I'm sorry you've had to deal with all this for so long hunny :hug: I'm here if you need me.
  15. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Hi Sammie. See, you are good at helping people!
    As RainbowChaser said, doctors arnt always the best people to listen to. You must remember that they are human beings just like us and the chances of them having a bad day and not really caring about thier patients from time to time can happen. No fault of theirs, just the way were all made.

    Look at it from an outsiders POV. Your depressed, you have BP, your have uncontrollable obessive thoughts about inflicting suicide. You have OD'd several times, you've been on an array of medication. How they can look at that and see nothing wrong is beyond me.

    Again Sammie said that a lot of people can look like their getting on with their daily lives. What's quite startling is that you will probably know someone who is suffering depression right now. Most time you will never guess unless it gets to the boiling point for them and their mood and attitude start to change a lot. It's very easy to mask your feelings and smile, no matter how much it hurts inside, because for most people it is always and always will be harder to say what their going through. When you've been doing this masking for a long time you'll find it becomes second nature. It's defensive like you said. Almost like a habit or a nervous laugh etc...

    It's easy to think that doctors can mind read when were feeling like this. You get the guts to go and see them and that was hard enough. When I first went to see my doctor I almost thought he could read me inside out. I keep a lot back from him but I thought he knew. But he doesnt. I'm saving all that stuff for my poor psycologist anyhow :D
    You need to depict what is on your mind to them in its entirety. This is why documenting is like killing to birds with one stone. Not only are you mapping out your feelings on paper almost like a second memory, but when the time comes, it's going to be far more preferable to hand a doctor the peice of paper and go and sit in the corner and cry. Maybe you've already tried this approach?

    The worst thing you can do right now is give up the fight. Never let anyone tell you your finished because they are wrong.
    I'm sorry your parents brush it under the carpet. I think a lot of parents cant stand to see thier kids telling them these things and will naturally blot it out. I know my folks do.
    The best people to talk to are the ones that are suffering or have suffered like you. I'm not sure where you live but my sisters friend gave me a site called
    It's full of places in the UK (if you live here, sorry if you dont but other countries should have similar places) that support people with depression and there are centres you can go to and all sorts. I'm a hypocrit here becuase i'm so socially anxious I doubt i'de ever go, but you might not be so fearful. If you are no, big deal. There really are so many different places and people to help its mindboggling (sorry for the pun). The hard part is asking I guess. I gets easier I think...

    Well, my brains shut down now I think hehe. Take care for now Lou, and keep posting back.
  16. Annoyance

    Annoyance Guest

    I'm so sorry Pete, I can't reply pm this thread anymore. I can't be honest.

    Sorry, but thank you so much.
  17. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Feel free to PM me privatly then if you want. I'll keep your identity in confidence.
  18. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.