Nobody can help me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kittylover, Aug 13, 2010.

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  1. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I've been suffering from gender dysphoria for about a decade. I've finally been on hormones for 2 years. But it's not enough. I still look like a man no matter what I do. The pain is too much for me, and at this point I just wish myself dead.

    I'm seeing a therapist once per week. I'm on Lexapro and Wellbutrin from my psychiatrist. Nothing is really helping me, and I just sit and cry.

    My parents, who live in the same city, give advice for depression like telling me to go for a walk. They don't understand that on a walk I'll likely see a pretty woman and start crying. They don't want to hear about my gender issues.

    My friends are sick of my whining when I don't do anything to help myself. I don't think I *can* help myself.

    On the hormones, I actually feel a desire for love for the first time. I want to cuddle with a guy so badly. But a straight guy would never want a somewhat effeminate-looking guy. Gay guys are attracted to guys, and mentally I could never be a guy in a relationship.

    If I had a gun I would probably be dead. I don't have anything to look forward to but a lonely, miserable old age. I wish I had the courage to kill myself so this pain could have an end.
  2. koolasakitkat

    koolasakitkat Member

    1. stop for a minute... wherever you are. just listen....wriggle your toes.... and feel the texture of what your touching... listen to all the sounds..... all the thoughts....You will have a future... there are more people like you. You hate this illness.... then don't end your life now. your life might never be perfect..... but You could help someone else like you have a better one than you did.. get into the sciences... find a cure. And if guys are dickish enough to just go for looks. F*** THEM. they are not worth it. a true guy could be blind and love you jsut as much as if he could see you. please dont give up. you can make a difference
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry things feel so tough for you right now.

    Are you planning to go further down the process than 'just' taking hormones? As in, are you planning to have the necessary surgeries?

    Do you go to any support groups for people who struggle with the same sort of issues?

    I think its important not to judge people in the way you are. You have no idea what people look for in relationships and by making those presumptions you are ruling people out without knowing them or giving them, or you a chance. Everyone looks for different things in the person they choose to be in a relationship and that means there will be people out there who could easily love somoene like you. Its just finding that right person. If you judge everyone to be the same, you may 'miss' the person or not give them a chance.

    Do your therapist and psych know how wretched you feel right now? Can you let them in?

    I think you have huge courage and your courage is showing in th way you are staying and fighting and working towards making the necessary changes to make you happier in life and more comfortable in life than hopefully you have ever been before. Its a long journey but if you keep fighting there is no reason why you won't get there.
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    There is not a whole lot that I can contribute. I'm sorry for your pain.

    If your medications are not helping you and you have been on them for over 2 months- they are not going to help and you need to change prescriptions.
    I stayed on a medication for 8 months although it didn't help me-- wasting time when I could've been trying new meds and searching for other ways to help myself feel better.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I do not know what I can really say. I can barely convince myself to keep going.

    As for your walks, I do not know where you live. However, I find that walks at night make it easier to avoid people.
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