Hi. My name's Lee. I'm 18. I live in FL. This is my first post. I'm posting here because I guess I feel like I have nobody else to talk to. I've been depressed for about five years, I'd say. Maybe longer. I've had suicidal feelings for almost just as long. I think it is a combination of situation and genes. My mom's family has a history of mental illness so that's why I think it may partly be hereditary. I was homeschooled all my life. My parents didn't set up my homeschooling in a way that I would meet people. There's homeschooling communities and activities you can get your child involved in, but my parents never did that for me, so I was stuck sitting at home playing video games and going online. I don't like people much. I think it may have to do with my homeschooling and lack of social interaction. Whatever the cause is, I dislike people immensely. I don't mean I am rude and mean to people I randomly come across. What I mean is that people, as a whole, suck. No offense to anyone in particular. There's some good people out there, I know! SInce getting a job at 15, I've made friends. The thing is, I'm only friends with two of those people I've met at work. There's five other people that I had friendships with, but we're not friends anymore. I'm honest with myself and none of the friendships ended due to my fault, really. I don't believe I did anything wrong. I'll elaborate on this if anyone wants. I've met girls off the internet in order to make friends. I was friends with some of them, but we're no longer friends. One girl I met off the internet I had sorta dated for about a month but we no longer talk and that's partially my fault. Another girl she just stopped talking to me after we hung out a few times. i even met a guy off a forum like this, and we don't talk anymore. He just dropped off the planet. i met my first girlfriend off the internet. We just kinda stopped talking. A mutual thing, but more my fault. My point is I have terrible luck with friendships. Either that or I'm doing something that nobody's telling me about and that I have no idea of. A couple of the friendships ending has been my fault or partially my fault, but the rest hasn't been. My only real friend I have is a guy at work. He lives a half hour away though so we don't get to hang out much. Another friend lives in New York. My days consist of working my part time job, going to school, watching various documentaries and educational shows I download, playing video games, or reading. I read A LOT. I've read over 100 books in one year. That's how much I read. I read everything from books on physics to psychology to young adult novels to fantasy to horror. I don't know anyone who has a passion for reading like I do, though. I wish I did. I volunteer at the blind center here but work gets in the way of that so I haven't done it much lately. I also write on and off. Lately it's been off, though, lol. So, moving on to my suicidal thoughts. I think about it daily. It pops in my head every hour, possibly more. I can't do it, though. I have put a lot of thought and research into it. I've read about suicide attempts, suicide letters, poisons to take, etc. I think about it a lot, yes, but I will not do it. I won't do it because of my parents. I think it would be an awful thing for me to do it while they are still alive. Also, I won't do it because I have a small fear of divine punishment. I am agnostic, but it seems to me that the logical choice would be to live out a possible 75-85 years of suffering and avoid the possibility of time in hell or something like that. Another reason I won't do it is because I have not found a 100% sure way of doing it with items in my possession or items I could procure. Gunshot wounds to the head aren't always fatal, even with a shotgun. Pills are risky. I don't want to end up disfigured or in a mental hospital. So I am being honest when I say I am in no danger of commiting suicide soon. If I did do it, it would be decades from now. I have these thoughts, like I said, at least partially due to my situation. I have nobody I can confide in. Almost every friend I have had doesn't want to talk to me, dislikes me, or just lost interest in our friendship. I can't drive because of my OCD and anxiety. I don't have my license, so meeting girls and sometimes hanging out with people is tough. I am severely depressed but somehow I manage to get most of my homework done and perform well at my job. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't have a large desire to "succeed" in life. I have no goals, really. I'm going through school because I have to. I would feel a lot better about school if I had an actual goal, but I have no idea what I want to do so that isn't happening right now. I just see no point in life. I don't want to go through it. If I had a choice to erase my existence from ever happening and not be born, I would take it. Sometimes I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, and I just sleep. It's common for me to sleep 13 hours a day. I get bored a lot. I have things I can do, like read or watch a documentary or something like that, but I sometimes just don't feel like doing any of that. I know it's not good to sleep so much lol. I don't even know if my situation improving would make me feel any better. I sometimes feel like if I won the lottery I would just shrug it off and not really care. So, yeah...I'm posting this because maybe, MAYBE, it'll help me. I'm pessimistic so it probably won't but at least I tried.