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Nobody else to talk to.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kellogg35, Oct 30, 2010.

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  1. kellogg35

    kellogg35 Member

    Hi. My name's Lee. I'm 18. I live in FL. This is my first post. I'm posting here because I guess I feel like I have nobody else to talk to.

    I've been depressed for about five years, I'd say. Maybe longer. I've had suicidal feelings for almost just as long. I think it is a combination of situation and genes. My mom's family has a history of mental illness so that's why I think it may partly be hereditary.

    I was homeschooled all my life. My parents didn't set up my homeschooling in a way that I would meet people. There's homeschooling communities and activities you can get your child involved in, but my parents never did that for me, so I was stuck sitting at home playing video games and going online.

    I don't like people much. I think it may have to do with my homeschooling and lack of social interaction. Whatever the cause is, I dislike people immensely. I don't mean I am rude and mean to people I randomly come across. What I mean is that people, as a whole, suck. No offense to anyone in particular. There's some good people out there, I know! :)

    SInce getting a job at 15, I've made friends. The thing is, I'm only friends with two of those people I've met at work. There's five other people that I had friendships with, but we're not friends anymore. I'm honest with myself and none of the friendships ended due to my fault, really. I don't believe I did anything wrong. I'll elaborate on this if anyone wants.

    I've met girls off the internet in order to make friends. I was friends with some of them, but we're no longer friends. One girl I met off the internet I had sorta dated for about a month but we no longer talk and that's partially my fault. Another girl she just stopped talking to me after we hung out a few times.

    i even met a guy off a forum like this, and we don't talk anymore. He just dropped off the planet. i met my first girlfriend off the internet. We just kinda stopped talking. A mutual thing, but more my fault.

    My point is I have terrible luck with friendships. Either that or I'm doing something that nobody's telling me about and that I have no idea of. A couple of the friendships ending has been my fault or partially my fault, but the rest hasn't been. My only real friend I have is a guy at work. He lives a half hour away though so we don't get to hang out much. Another friend lives in New York.

    My days consist of working my part time job, going to school, watching various documentaries and educational shows I download, playing video games, or reading. I read A LOT. I've read over 100 books in one year. That's how much I read. I read everything from books on physics to psychology to young adult novels to fantasy to horror.

    I don't know anyone who has a passion for reading like I do, though. I wish I did. I volunteer at the blind center here but work gets in the way of that so I haven't done it much lately. I also write on and off. Lately it's been off, though, lol.

    So, moving on to my suicidal thoughts. I think about it daily. It pops in my head every hour, possibly more. I can't do it, though. I have put a lot of thought and research into it. I've read about suicide attempts, suicide letters, poisons to take, etc. I think about it a lot, yes, but I will not do it. I won't do it because of my parents. I think it would be an awful thing for me to do it while they are still alive.

    Also, I won't do it because I have a small fear of divine punishment. I am agnostic, but it seems to me that the logical choice would be to live out a possible 75-85 years of suffering and avoid the possibility of time in hell or something like that.

    Another reason I won't do it is because I have not found a 100% sure way of doing it with items in my possession or items I could procure. Gunshot wounds to the head aren't always fatal, even with a shotgun. Pills are risky. I don't want to end up disfigured or in a mental hospital. So I am being honest when I say I am in no danger of commiting suicide soon. If I did do it, it would be decades from now.

    I have these thoughts, like I said, at least partially due to my situation. I have nobody I can confide in. Almost every friend I have had doesn't want to talk to me, dislikes me, or just lost interest in our friendship. I can't drive because of my OCD and anxiety. I don't have my license, so meeting girls and sometimes hanging out with people is tough. I am severely depressed but somehow I manage to get most of my homework done and perform well at my job.

    I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't have a large desire to "succeed" in life. I have no goals, really. I'm going through school because I have to. I would feel a lot better about school if I had an actual goal, but I have no idea what I want to do so that isn't happening right now.

    I just see no point in life. I don't want to go through it. If I had a choice to erase my existence from ever happening and not be born, I would take it.

    Sometimes I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, and I just sleep. It's common for me to sleep 13 hours a day. I get bored a lot. I have things I can do, like read or watch a documentary or something like that, but I sometimes just don't feel like doing any of that. I know it's not good to sleep so much lol.

    I don't even know if my situation improving would make me feel any better. I sometimes feel like if I won the lottery I would just shrug it off and not really care.

    So, yeah...I'm posting this because maybe, MAYBE, it'll help me. I'm pessimistic so it probably won't but at least I tried.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Lee and welcome to SF. Have you thought about going to college and figuiring out what you would like to do? There are many paths that one can take but you really have to think about what you would be good at and what you would enjoy doing. Good luck. :hug:
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hello Lee, and welcome to the forum!

    Lots of people have trouble with friendships. I think that it takes work to make friendships work out.

    We have a society that is pretty alienated and dysfunctional right now, so I think that it is hard for many people to make interpersonal relationships work.

    Homeschooling might have been bad for you, but honestly, lots and lots of people go to school and have a total hell experience. You don't know where the other road might have lead, so it could be that you are better off having been home schooled.

    So it sounds like you have depression. You may want to see a doctor about getting it treated.

    Exercising (gentle aerobic) for a 1/2 hour every day could help. If you do a lot of thinking/reading, it might help to do some meditation. Meditation is also good for anxiety.

    Since you like books, you might want to take a look at this one.

    "Curing Depression Naturally with Chinese Medicine"

    you may be able to get this from your library, but will probably have to get it through ILB.
  4. kellogg35

    kellogg35 Member

    Thanks for the reply and book recommendation! I'm always looking for new books to read! I know homeschooling was bad for me, and I have thought about how I would've been if I were public schooled. I don't know how I would've
    ended up, but homeschooling is what I was given, and it wasn't good.

    I know I should get treatment, but if I get treatment that means I would have to tell my parents. I refuse to tell them. I don't get along well with them and they're very judgemental and unhelpful in matters like this. The aerobics might help. I'll research that and the meditation.

  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i just want to say i understand somewhat about isolation abt not able to keep friends well not having any really. I hope you can talk to your doctor as it does sound like you have depression Glad you are talking here as i found i am no so alone here with my thoughts take care okay nice to meet you
  6. kellogg35

    kellogg35 Member

    Nice to meet you too! :)
  7. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    I know of a way of killing yourself with near certainty of death.

    But I don't think it is responsible for me to tell you.

    For someone so young, you should be thinking about living and not death.
  8. kellogg35

    kellogg35 Member

    I know ways, too. It's just none are within my means, right now. Jumping off a skyscraper is a pretty sure way to die but I can't gain access to a roof. I wouldn't do it if I did have access to a 100% way, though. Not for years, as I said.

    And yeah I should be thinking about living but it feels like thoughts of death are burned into my brain.
  9. jasonkramer

    jasonkramer Well-Known Member

    explain why you would have to tell your parents? your 18 you dont need their permission. if you do tell them you can always lie about why you go there.

    if you like you can look for "How to Win Friends and Influence People"-Dale Carnegie

    i must say it sounds like you've done better than me with people. ive never even been on 1 date and iam 24. also i remember reading a report years ago saying that that average number of close friends for people in the USA is 2. Americans are very individualistic and that makes it very hard to meet anyone. this goes for most people so your in a lot of company.

    you could also try affirmations to change your thought process. find a positive saying the repeat it as often as possible.

    I recognize the merical of my being, i am enough.
    i like me

    repeat that over and over. for me it worked best when i did it over and over 15min straight everyday. you can also have a set number of times you say it every day like 50x or 25x. you could also just try to remember to say it several times through out the day.
  10. kellogg35

    kellogg35 Member

    I don't need my parents' permission but they would be the ones paying for it. I don't drive, and I still live at home. They'd have to know.

    I didn't think Americans were that individualistic. It seems like a lot of people, especially people my age, are into parties and going out a lot. I don't think positive sayings will help. Being positive works for a lot of people but for me it doesn't. I try to be realistic and I feel like I'm interpreting reality more deeply and truthfully when I'm realistic.
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