Nobody gets it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TooShyToScream, Feb 7, 2011.

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  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I'm afraid of what's going to happen to me if I choose to stay in this world, but I'm afraid of what will happen to my mom and my fiance if I don't.

    I lack the motivation to take a shower, get up in the morning, study. I can't do these things without being totally miserable anymore. The only thing that helps is getting high. And on the days that I don't end up forcing myself to do them, it's not because I'm lazy, it's because I feel so low that i don't care. If I fail at life, it just gives me another excuse to kill myself, so why should I care?

    I can't do this. I need to get high to feel okay, but no one understands this. The only medications that help are ones that my psychiatrist probably would never prescribe to me. And the only therapy that could help I can't afford anyway. No one understands this pain. They think it's the same thing that everyone feels. Just not wanting to wake up early and go to work cause you're still tired. "Well I do it even though I don't want to, so why can't you? Blah blah..."

    It's not about being tired damn it. It's about lacking motivation, energy, and just totally not giving a fuck about school, work, or what have you. Not giving a fuck about yourself and being miserable that you woke up to see another day, and as if that's not enough on its own, you have to live it too. That's different than just being lazy cause you're still tired.
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  2. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    <Mod edit - Acy - inappropriate>
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2011
  3. Caster

    Caster Well-Known Member

    TooShyToScream, I felt exactly like you did two years ago. All I had was the motivation to take a shower and eat pretty much, that was about it. I couldn't bring myself to do anything:(. For me, I was drinking way too much and that probably just made things worse. I even dropped out out of school for a semester...things were that bad.

    What medications do you have in mind that you think a psychiatrist would never prescribe to you? There are lots of anti-depressants that may really help you. I would definitely go to your psychiatrist and tell him/her how you feel and I'm sure he/she will give you something to help you.

    Please don't give up and continue to share how you're doing with us. Hugs. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.
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  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Tanya, its super easy to self medicate our problems away, and yep I have for years smoke mine away but know that with the right medications your life will start to come back together, you will have energy you never knew you could have. Its not going to be easy thing, but you will feel so much better and get so much more self confidence that you were able to do it, to live your life.

    Why not give it a chance, if you say you want to leave life then why not try this first, give yourself a chance in life. Start small, visit a doc, try some meds, try therapy, then work on the other things. They can help you with the withdrawls, so it wont be so hard on you.

    Ive seen my family live a horrible life of drugs and they bring alot of their problems and failures on themselves, but I know that their lives will never change unless they work on themselves and unfortunately they just dont want to, its much easier living the way they do.

    Make a list of things you want out of life and start crossing them off as you go to see what your really doing. Dont over look the small changes you make in life and in yourself, its hard work I know but I think you can do it.

    PM anytime you want to chat.
  5. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel :/ I dropped out of high school cause things were bad, college numerous times, and like 5 different jobs. I can't take pressure and responsibilies and being social because of the moods I'm always in. I'm currently doing another semester of college, trying not to drop out again but it's hard. Come second week, I could already feel the burden of the same routine over and over again. I don't handle routine very well, especially early in the morning. The meds that he won't give me are benzos and opiates. Truthfully, those are the only things that I believe can help me. I have Borderline/Avoidant Personality Disorder and very severe social anxiety. Anti-depressants won't do me any good, I"ve tried 3 different ones already. Anti-depressants take care of MAYBE one symptom of my disorders. What about all the others? The emptiness, lonliness, black and white thinking, anger, constant need for attention from those I care about, fear of any kind of social interaction, of being abandoned/left by my fiance, impulses to do destructive things, inability to sleep, etc. They don't help any of those things. I wish my psychiatrist and I could trade places so that he had BPD and I gave him some shitty Prozac to deal with everything. See how he feels about that. My fiance thinks that they should use a mild opiate in BPD treatment and I agree I mean the stuff helps. BP's need something to help with their intense emotions and anxious thinking before they can feel able and motivated enough to actually try to fix their problems. I think that opiates + DBT would do wonders together for this disorder. It would make the person feel okay enough mentally to focus on doing therapy and learning the skills they need. I don't know...maybe someday. They're working on a opiate that people can take without worrying about complications of addiction.
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  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Doityourself -

    All I really want out of life is for those I love to understand me and show me they care. I often feel neglected by people and misunderstood. And I answered your question about the meds and stuff in my post above :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2011
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    You know I feel alot of the same way you to, the constant day of the same old things day in and day out is just torture to me. It drives me insane to think that I have nothing to do or anyone to do it with.

    I to think that there are drugs that help one and not the other, but Im scared to death of addiction and have seen what that addiction does to others around them, hell look at me!! But then again addiction is all around us so who am I to say what is wrong and right for the next person.

    Im sorry your doc wont listen to you and know what would really help you and dont really have much advice that sounds good to me to tell you, just wanted to say I read your post and hope that your day is better.

    Hope to talk more....
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    How are you feeling today Tanya?
  9. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Bad but not as bad as yesterday. Though there's always tomorrow for it to get that bad again.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Tanya,
    It takes time to find the right meds.. I am on seven different meds to control all the different problems..They finally found the right combination to keep me from killing myself.. I still have problems with agoriphobia and socialphobia, and a few others.. Go back to your shrink and work with him...
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