I'm afraid of what's going to happen to me if I choose to stay in this world, but I'm afraid of what will happen to my mom and my fiance if I don't. I lack the motivation to take a shower, get up in the morning, study. I can't do these things without being totally miserable anymore. The only thing that helps is getting high. And on the days that I don't end up forcing myself to do them, it's not because I'm lazy, it's because I feel so low that i don't care. If I fail at life, it just gives me another excuse to kill myself, so why should I care? I can't do this. I need to get high to feel okay, but no one understands this. The only medications that help are ones that my psychiatrist probably would never prescribe to me. And the only therapy that could help I can't afford anyway. No one understands this pain. They think it's the same thing that everyone feels. Just not wanting to wake up early and go to work cause you're still tired. "Well I do it even though I don't want to, so why can't you? Blah blah..." It's not about being tired damn it. It's about lacking motivation, energy, and just totally not giving a fuck about school, work, or what have you. Not giving a fuck about yourself and being miserable that you woke up to see another day, and as if that's not enough on its own, you have to live it too. That's different than just being lazy cause you're still tired.