Nobody has it worse than me?

[Evo_L]

Do you often feel like this? I feel like this and I often see it all around me, in my job I deal with a lot of depressed people who are in a much better place than I'll ever be in life and they claim to be even more hopeless and disfunctional than I am.

Even on here I've witnessed in the past quite a lot. I can't imagine an existance more pointless than my own, I'm on a complete road to no-where, I just have to come up with idle tasks and mild entertainment to pad out my completely empty existance. I've never had any experience in life that had any substance to it or has benefited me in the long term. It feels like I'm just slipping down into a pit and clutching at blades of wet grass for short periods at a time momentarily breaking my fall into complete and utter oblivion. There has never been anything to contray this perception, it didn't come first either, as a child I was very optimistic about the future I had high hopes. I see people all around me claiming to have the worst ever existance ever, but I actually look upon them with envy, they have connections, relations, a place in the world. I have nothing except a few worldly posessions and brief moments of relief from drinking.

I have tried to challenge my perception deeply, change my core beliefs, buy into existentialism, act differently, change the things within my remit... nothing has ever worked.

I'm an odd one out, even amongst other people who say they're depressed, I don't fit in. I've never revelled in my own depression, showed everyone my cut wrists, dyed my hair black and affiliated myself publically with a death obsession. My depression is purely a reaction to utter frustration at never being able to fit into life, never feeling happy. I have no relations to speak of, I am unattractive and unappealing to all.

I completely lack any clique in life, I have some friends but they never call, they were mostly associates of mine in all fairness. I just don't have anyone I can share any common ground with at all. Even simple things like my music tastes.

I'm just completely out of sync with absolutely everyone and everything. It's totally destroyed my life and completely isolated me from everyone and everything. I feel like a ball of oil in a glass of water, no one else will ever fully understand that. Absolutely no one. Sounds selfish but I've read a good proportion of the stories on here and you all have someone and something to cling to, no matter how hard you think you have it.

I've seen dying children get more love in a day than I've had in 25 years. My life is a complete void, everything is momentary, I can only cling to stuff for a brief moment. It's like trying to catch the wind. It's like groundhog day, my life is terminally shite and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it.

 

[itmahanh]

Nobody here is worse or more far gone than the next person. We are all here because we feel pain for what ever reason. And whatever our reasons may be they are valid reasons. And you have come to the right place to find love. Each member here is willing to love and help you unburden if you let them. There is only one requirement needed of you. That is that you let us try. You can never be alone here. Everyone here is sharing a common factor pain. Be it in the past or present, we have all be on the same path. No one here will ever claim to understand everything. That would actually be quite sad. Then it leaves you no room to grow as a person. Stay and keep posting and let others give you something to cling on to and let us help you keep it in your grasp.

 

[Evo_L]

I kinda regret posting that now. I was just feeling like utter shit and I hate myself for regressing into that state sporadically all the time.

 

[Sashi0]

Trust me I think everyone has felt that way at least once every now and then. I think it's perfectly natural that once in a while your mind wanders and you start thinking about how other people are either luckier, better off, or less deserving than you, ya know? It's just thoughts and at least you're not attacking people on it. Don't feel too bad, you are human after all. :hug:

 

[itmahanh]

No worries. I'm glad you found SF and have some place to share those thoughts. Hope to see a lot more of you around here.

 

[ace]

I kinda regret posting that now. I was just feeling like utter shit and I hate myself for regressing into that state sporadically all the time.

First of all please do not regret posting what you did,you're obviously hurting here you will only find people who understand.I know it's tough and you feel like nothing is worth it,sadly it's so hard to change and you can only do your best.It would be easy if you could just snap out of it like that,but we all know you can't just do that I just wanted to reassure you that I know how you feel.

 

[gentlelady]

I am sorry to hear you feel the way you do. We all have issues we face and to each of us they are important. None is more serious than the other. It is not the seriousness of problem that determines how we feel about it. Things affect people in different. What may seem serious to you may not be to and vice versa. We all deal with things in our own ways. How we are able to deal with them. You should be able to find support here as the members have been through many things collectively. Please take care and give us a chance to do what we can. :hug:

 

[urban_lily]

please dont regret your post....it expressed for more eloquently than I ever could how I often feel....and maybe that is selfish of me because I do have family who love and support me....but I often feel isolated from them and left out of the loop so to speak. I dont think you have to have dyed black hair, cut wrists and listen to the cure to be depressed....and just because you dont openly show that you are doesnt mean it isnt true. I go out of my way to hide my depression/sadness etc from others and often put on a positive front...then when I am alone I cry and cry...or sometimes I just cant and I hurt myself as a way to try and get that emotion out.

I'm sure you will find people on here that you relate to, even if it's just one person that's a starting point and you can go from there.

Wishing you all the best :hug: