Hello all, First post and all that. The reason I'm posting here is that lately, thoughts and fantasies of suicide have been swimming around in my mind. I know what is the cause of this, but I can do little, it seems, to stop it. Ever since I was crawling and poo'ing my nappies I've always distanced myself from people. To cut a long story short, these are my opinions based on 28 years of life, thought and experience. I find that unless you're good at talking about surface crap, you're going to be lonely. I find that most people have never even delved a little way beneath the surface, and as a result they just "do" without ever asking why. I find the majority of people, come crunch time, would not honour you or your feelings. Some do this blatantly, some are more cunning. I know it is not everybody, but it is sure a hell of a lot. I feel that I must know the truth behind everything, and as a result I do not partake in any social or organised institution. This includes marriage, Christmas, Valentines day or religion. I feel that the real reasons people partake in these is because, essentially, they are driven by fear. For example, Christmas: Fear of what others may think if they do not do it. Fear of ostracisation. Marriage: Fear of being left on the shelf. Fear of not having the emotional security that is "guaranteed" with marriage. Fear of being judged a failure, or unworthy. I cannot think of one marriage I know of based on true love. Not one. Religion: Provides adults with a comfort blanket, and relieves the fear of being judged as bad by god. None of the above are based on any reality and are only arrogant concepts invented by man as a quick fix to mask fearsand insecurities, and impose what he thinks it should be. If everybody was honest and open, and objective, they would see that everything is wearing a mask of facade and that very little is real. I feel people are not real. I feel 99% of people play into "it", whatever "it" may be. Fashion, occasions, apperances, bullshit etc. I feel most people work off of ego, fear, laziness, ignorance and falsehoods. As a result, I feel extremely lonely. I have had 5 failed relationships and feel unattractive, despite being physically and aesthetically blessed, to a degree. I feel I'm a very true person and have 110% loyalty to give to the ones who I am close to. I live in reality and do not just "do" because of the fashionable trend or because it is the consensus that everybody else seems to adhere to. My main gripe is that I feel everybody is false but seem to have close friends and happiness. I remain true, and always speak the truth, yet I am in the cold. Unless you can talk surface shite all day, there is no point. People don't want to know, or lack the capacity for deep discussion without judgements and personal opinion clouding the issue. I have one extremely good friend who is on my wavelength. A small handful of aquaintance/loose friends who I see on occasion (not much and not ultra close) and I get along superbly with my mother. But as for everybody else, they're all deluded, false, insincere or downright judgemental. I am aware I sound arrogant, but I'm not. I'm not quick to judge, I listen, I observe and I have a grasp on social patterns, social trends and things like that. I'm not a doer, I'm an observer and a staunch one at that. But I'm lonely and cant seem to forge new connections. I just cant seem to mix, or socialise too well because I cant get involved in the bullshit and facadery of it all. Nobody seems real or sincere. I feel totally alienated, I cry everyday (which is only a recent thing, I'd say the last 2 years) and the women in my life seem to be drying up to the point of none. I'm not used to this. I used to laugh, joke, and things like that. As I've got older I see the cynical truth behind everything. I see what is really going on, but I feel so few do, and just carry on "doing" regardless, and I'd rather be dead than be false, or do something just to fit in, or gain acceptance, or to have my ego satisfied. Ego is just a concept anyway, based on no reality. I just feel death is the ultimate escape. I'm 28. I may have 60 years left yet. I can't imagine growing old and lonely. I get way too sensitive at the notion that it is all slipping away. I mourn my youth, even though I'm loosely still in it. I feel everything breaks down in the end, we get worse with time, we make no new close friends past 30, I can't even cope with my life now and I only have myself to think about. I fear having children, I fear not having children. I fear lonliness, I fear engulfment. I'm a walking contradiction, too complex for women to bother with. So naturally I have been thinking along the lines of suicide. I'm a long way from doing it. But it seems a lot more alluring now, than say one year ago. As time goes on, I feel more and more drawn towards suicide. I'm cutting off people who have hurt me, or wanted their one sided friendships. I have cut off people who mean nothing to me because they judge me and don't understand, yet I understand them. I didn't have too many people to cut off in the first place, but this year alone I have cut off four or five. They had agendas, I've been manipulated, mis judged. I am aware I sound like I am playing the victim, but I am not. I really did see inside them. I cut them off for good reason. They just had agendas. The very few who remain are true. I know they are. Anyway, enough of my rambling. Does anybody else here feel like me? Inside I'm screaming. I feel trapped in this world of falsehoods and bullshit. I feel disgusted by peoples greed, non awareness and selfishness. I see people who do not think for themselves. Sometimes I really really want to end it all. I've even started googling phrases such as "Painless ways to kill yourself" and "Suicide methods" etc etc. One last thing, I suppose it is no coincidence that for a living, I drive a truck, alone, for 10 or 11 hour shifts through the night. I start around teatime, and finish around dawn, then go to bed while society gets on with it. I love the solitude, yet fear it at the same time. I fear the way its creeping into every fibre of my being and consuming me. Yet, I crave it, when it suits me. If you got this far, thank you so much. If you have any words of wisdom, or you can draw a parellel to your own life, please share.