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Nobody knows...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shi, May 11, 2009.

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  1. Shi

    Shi Active Member

    Don't even know how to get started... It hurts to see so many happy people. I dont remember anymore what it is like to live one day without thinking about death and suicide.:sad: Seven years, seven years without a single day of pure happyiness. Seven years and I am still here, asking myself why I didn't make it. I am not afraid of death nor am I worried to leave anyone behind.

    What does this world have to offer me?! I don't want to fight anymore, every single decision I have made in my life was wrong. I just dont know what to do with my life. My strength is gone like a summer breeze in the midst of life. I am not interested in university anymore, my future plans...future??

    My physical body is still here, my mind has long ago past into a better world. I told my psychologist that I can only bear my thoughts and existence when I think about the fact that one day everything will be over. This is what keeps me going so far... it will be over soon.. that is no life worth living. :sad:
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Shi,

    welcome back to the forums.

    Have you told anyone about how you are feeling?
    Are you on medication/in therapy?

    I can relate to a lot of your post. I think about suicide numerous times a day,counselling is helping though.

    I hope you can manage to get through this. Keep talking if it helps :arms:
  3. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I thought I should respond separately to this.

    Most people are on auto-pilot. Superficiality is the game.

    Who says you have to? People think of life as a fight. You can't win. There's no fight. You never have to fight again if you don't want to. Easier said than done. But try not to think of life as a fight. I think that might help.

    According to who? People are not born thinking they are all wrong. Somewhere you must have learned this, and it's false thinking. You cannot be all wrong. I don't think there could be a person alive who made all wrong decisions and was ALL wrong! Give yourself a break :hug:

    Nor I, nor many people here. This can definitely induce suffering. Some people don't know what they want to do their whole lives. People die not knowing what they want to do.

    Give yourself a break. I'm glad you're here. I see you don't have many posts. Stick around while, we're here for ya.

    With love :heart:
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni


    Most of us can relate to what you have to say. All I can tell you is that we are all here because of some kind of depression or trauma which causes us to see the world differently.

    Many of us have come to find some happiness through this Forum. I hope you can make some close contacts and/or friends here as I have. I'f available if you want to send a private message.

    Also, as Daisy says, therapy and/or meds. can help and if you've tried, keep trying...sometimes it takes awhile to get the right combination.

    We're here for you.:arms:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Don't let society dictate how you feel about yourself.. I guarantee most people screw up time to time.. It's called being human..Life is what you make of it.. I also suffer from dailey suicidal thoughts and isolate myself.. My therapist says so what.. If that is what makes me comfortable then do it..I don't care what other people think of me anymore.. That use to be one of my biggest problems that i don't live up to there expectations..Like Shades said a good therapist and the right combination of meds can make a world of difference in how you think of yourself..
  6. Shi

    Shi Active Member

    I am in therapy yes..for how many years...hmm maybe 10? maybe longer... and I don't see whi it helps. It never did. Everything went bad, worse, worst.
    And no I am not on medication, my psychologists say that only the weak take medications and they would NEVER give it to me. And I went to...how many psychologists? maybe 12 maybe more...

    Give myself a break? I had so many breaks; after school, in between a semester.. It didnt help. Another break and my Curriculum Vitae will be worth nothing, and I can shoot myself because there will be nothing left in my life...I could not even become a nun for I dont believe in god... PLUS my parents will kill me.

    I don't even live up to my own expectations. I am a pessimist and afraid to do anything because I fear so many things.So ,yeah, I don't know what to do with my life. I guess that's the worst of all things You have no drive :sad:

    My cousin used to be in the same situation. He was on medication/ in therapy; Aged 17 he jumped in front of a train because he could'nt bear it any longer. He would find no mercy in our family and neither will I.

    The only break I could take is: rest in peace.
  7. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I recently gave this advice to someone else and they told me it was helping them. I don't know if it will help everybody, but even if it helps you find just a little peace, then please give it a try.

    When I am feeling lost and so down I can no longer see up. I start at 1...

    I get a pen and a paper and write down what it is that is making me feel so bad, however many points there are, I will write them down 1 - 100, and if I know what started this whole thing, I will write that down as well.
    That's when I remind myself that none of this was my fault. I didn't ask for the past to happen to me, but I will get through it. There is a lot to be said for the strength in thought.
    I also tell myself it is never too late.

    But I know full well fixing the past isn't as easy as all that and it doesn't happen for everyone. Sometimes the past is just too painful to even return to.

    I watched a documentary about people who disappear from their old lives. And one guy was willing to explain why he did it and what happened.
    He tied up any lose ends and just disappeared, walked into the woods one day, told his wife he was going for the morning paper and never returned.
    His family tried to find him, but when no leads appeared, they assumed he was dead and put his memory to rest. But he was alive and he called it being 'reborn'. He didn't want to die - he just wanted life to get better. So he made for himself a new one.
    He packed a bag and left, he started again. Cut all the past away and started from day one. Breath one.
    He was 40 years old.
    So you are never too old to start again.

    I'm not saying leave your family and leave everything and everyone you have ever known behind, because again this isn't for everybody. But sometimes knowing the option is there is solace enough.

    Some people worry themselves into oblivion worrying about what their friends think, what society thinks, what their family will say, what their husband or wife will do, what their future looks like and so on.
    But if there is no fixing the past - start again from the beginning. Wipe the past clean and do it over.

    I know it's easier said than done, but it isn't impossible.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2009
  8. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    It hurts me a lot to see happy people also. So Im in the same boat your in. So much so, that I hate certain holidays like Valentines day, and Christmas. If ya need to talk about anything just pm me.
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