Nobody seems to like me. No girls are ever interested in me.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by A_New_Man, Oct 26, 2007.

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  1. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    I was homeschooled from age 12 to 17, and I chose to spend most of my time indoors by myself. Without realizing it, I missed out on a lot of social development during those years. I'm 19 now, and I've been going to college for the past two years. The first year was really hard for me, because I had absolutely no knowledge about interacting with people. I was totally clueless and had no idea how to talk to people or how to make friends.

    Over the past two years, I've developed a lot and learned how to be around people. I can talk with people and interact with them much easier now. I have a few classmates that I hang out with regularly (I don't see any of them outside of school, though) and we get along pretty well. But...I feel unappreciated. They don't seem to pay very much attention to me, and talk amongst each other far more than they talk to me.

    They ask each other questions like "How are you doing? How was your week? How is your project coming along?" But they never ask me questions like that...it's as if they don't care about my well-being. None of them ever express concern for me. Sometimes I'll hint at an anxiety or an insecurity I have, although I won't be blatant or obnoxious about it, but nobody will show any concern for me.

    There are a couple students in the class who are really obnoxious and annoying. In my group, we have in-jokes and special nicknames for the students who annoy us. Through those people, I have learned what makes a person annoying, and how to avoid acting that way - don't correct people all the time, don't state your opinion every five seconds, don't try to butt into other people's business, etc.

    I'm pretty sure I'm not one of the annoying kids who everyone hates, because I watch those people and do my best to avoid being like them. I'm always polite and nice to people and I always try to help people out if possible. It's rare when I make a joke and people don't laugh, so I guess I'm a pretty funny guy. I try to make sure that other people are comfortable and/or entertained, and so far I haven't detected any sort of vibe like I'm getting on people's nerves or anything.

    But still...nobody really looks at me unless I speak up, or asks me questions or talks to me unless I've initiated the conversation. They're all concerned with each other, and it seems like nobody really cares about me.

    How do I change this? How can I make these people from acquaintences into friends? Sometimes I still get that awkward feeling like I'm talking to a stranger, or like I have to be careful not to screw up. I want to lift that air of discomfort and be liked among my group. Is there anything I can do about it?

    The other thing that's getting me down is that no girls are ever interested in me. I'm really nice and polite to girls - not obnoxiously courteous or anything like that, I just treat them with respect and try to be friendly to them. I don't blatantly flirt with them or hit on them all the time. Occasionally I'll try to say something flattering and complimentary, and the girl's expression and body language will change and I can tell that it creeped them out a little.

    Today I spent a few minutes with one of my friends and a female friend of his. She told us a funny story where this really creepy guy was hitting on her, and it bothered her a lot. I saw parallels to my own situation, and started getting worried. It was an awkward thing to ask, but I really had to know, so I asked her, "Am I a creepy kind of guy that girls want to avoid?" She beat around the bush for a few moments while she tried to formulate a reply that didn't sound rude or insulting or anything, and then told me "You're not creepy, but you're kind of goofy. I don't think girls would be disgusted by you, but I don't think they'd want you, either. You're like...a sick puppy that a girl might feel sorry for."

    I'm afraid that this was her polite way of saying that I am a creepy guy who no girl would ever be interested in. I guess it doesn't matter how friendly and nice I am to girls, because I'm either really ugly-looking, really goofy-looking, or both.

    It makes me afraid that there's nothing that can be done to help my situation. I feel like I'm stuck this way, friendless and disgusting to women, and like I can never improve, because my appearance and social inexperience simply make me an awkward, creepy guy.

    This makes me really sad, and really depressed. I'm afraid that I'll never make friends and that no woman will ever want me. What can I do? ...Can anything be done, or am I hopeless?
     
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    "You're not creepy, but you're kind of goofy. I don't think girls would be disgusted by you, but I don't think they'd want you, either. You're like...a sick puppy that a girl might feel sorry for."
    That shick was a total cow to say that to you.

    I think it's sad you're not really "getting along" with these fake friends.
    What about things or groups out of college? have you looked into those? are you into any hobbies? or even volunteering?

    And about the female desire, dont ever think that a gf will change your life around, it's such a silly idea that many have.
     
  3. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    I haven't looked into joining groups outside of college. I'm into anime and video games, but I'm not in any clubs. I've never volunteered for anything. The way I lived for so many years has made it really difficult for me to consider doing things like leaving my house and spending my time elsewhere, except for college.

    I am extremely anxious about not having a girlfriend. It is my greatest insecurity. I feel absolutely awful that I have never had a girlfriend, and have felt that way for around 5 years now. For years now, other people have had boyfriends and girlfriends while I've had absolutely nobody. I've been missing out all this time while other people were having a blast and doing all sorts of things I've never even gotten the opportunity to do. I don't want to spend the next years of my life continuing to be lonely. It's an awful feeling that consumes me all day and it's an extremely important matter to me. In my case, having a girlfriend WOULD change my life around, because it is what I want more than anything else, the thing I worry about all the time.
     
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I'll be honest with you here. From what that girl said, in her personal opinion, you probably seem a bit needy. In other words, you are probably being TOO self-conscious. Like you crave acceptance and so you are not really being as genuine as you could be. She sees your behavior as a bit contrived. Now that doesn't mean you should go around acting like "the annoying people", but you should maybe try letting your own personality come through a little bit. What does being a "sick puppy" mean? It means you lack confidence. You just want to be liked, and not by a particular person, but by anyone in general. If I were you, I would act with more self-confidence. You are obviously very good at noting other people's behavior, so try to notice what the self-confident people do. Now, BTW, many girls will say "oh that guy is so arrogant", and he may very well be, but he will also get more female attention. So look at the arrogant guys, tone it down a bit, and there you have it. Self-confidence. That is the key.

    When you compliment someone (which is always nice), don't say it in such a way that you are seeking their approval or anything, just as a mere observation. Make eye contact, say what you are thinking, and then move on. If you stare at her after, she will be creeped out, but if you just get all shy about it, she will think you are being awkward. Don't say it as if you expect a particular response, but as if you are just stating the obvious. Say, "Cool shoes", and then go back to studying. Don't avoid her response, but at the same time, don't act like you expect one.

    I'm not saying this girl was right in what she said, I'm just interpreting it as a woman myself. Trust me, you can learn to pick up on people's signals and act accordingly, and it does help if you have similar interests, so joining a certain club might be worth it.

    You'll get there. Don't pressure yourself too much. I didn't have a BF until I was almost 17 and I thought something was wrong with me. Turns out, people (boys) thought I was a stuck-up ice queen who would reject anyone who even tried. These ages are arbitrary and don't necessarily mean anything. I am happily married now (to the overly-confident guy who basically asked me out because everyone said I was an unattainable biatch) and I love him to bits and he loves me just as much. Don't stress too much. It all works out.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2007
  5. elliebelle

    elliebelle Active Member

    A lot of making connections is how we present ourselves I think. Even if you don't have the confidence I've found you can learn to fake it. Sometimes you have to alter your body language so that you don't appear closed off and you appear friendly and at ease. Some of it is about appearance which is shallow but does matter. I mean more how you dress than the things you can't change. Things like hair hanging in your eyes so people can't make eye contact or wearing all dark clothing all the time which gives off the idea of depression. People are attracted to confidence and sometimes if you start out faking it eventually it turns into real confidence.

    Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk. I was homeschooled through part of high school too so I get where you're coming from.
     
  6. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    I know how you feel. No, really. I was homeschooled from 12-17 as well, though I went back to Middle School when I was 13. But, from 14-17 I was hoemschooed. I'm still Homeschooled, and I'm not 17 for probably another...3 weeks or so. I don't keep track.

    Social Development is critical in that time. I'll say that even with the limited social contact I have now, I find myself critically missing key points. I don't keep, or even have friends. Much less romantic relationships. Being homeschooled, while it's marvelous to have so much free time, really leaves scars on one's self image. And the lack of companionship, as well as romantic connection makes it even worse.

    I feel your pain, and it's a dark place. Especially to feel the lack of self image for 'impressing' girls and the like. Though, I found alot of inspiration, reason, sensibility in solitude. Though at the same time I feel even more disconnected. But staying alone for that long is no easy task.

    We're alike in a few ways. But what you should realize is maybe what you've gained from all this quiet time. Or maybe not, it's just the way I've actually found to use that time. Either way, if you're like me, any social situation is a real pain. I actually tremble in social situations, but I've already learned how to hide that stuff.

    To be entirely honest, working for the half a year I did actually changed my ability to react socially. While before I was really introvert, and VERY detached from society, I found interracted with people everyday was an entirely different experience.

    It's not always good. I found myself developing things I hadn't wanted to. I actually felt less focused than I was. Because to interract socially, I had to convince myself to just 'wing it' even though I was uncomfortable. Sure, that's all nice and dandy, but I lost perception. I'm not entirely sure how.

    And socializing that much actually depressed me even more then I was. I felt an even bigger void grow within me, because not only was 4 years of my life wasted (social development wise) but I was rushing to try to not be to different where I was.

    It's a little difficult to explain. However you're not alone. We're very alike, and I hope you find a little relief. Just don't rush too blindly ahead. But don't be afraid to open yourself up more. Just don't look back.
     
  7. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    D= Wow. You're so lucky. People wanted to ask you out. Nobody's ever felt that way about me. v_v You met your husband because he was overly confident? That's so not fair...what about us underconfident people who need love, too? v_v That part of your post was severely discouraging...

    I might be presenting myself in a closed-off way without realizing it...I'll be a bit more conscious about that and see if it helps to make myself seem more open.

    I know exactly what you mean, Xibyll. v_v We're pretty similar in quite a few ways.
     
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I am lucky :) But don't be discouraged. You JUST got out there. You are JUST starting to find your footing socially and it takes time. And trust me, I thought my now-husband was an arrogant jerk before I really got to know him (it didn't help that he was dating a friend of mine at the time and I got to hear all her complaining). He didn't just up and ask me out one day. We started talking in class and became best friends first. I think the best relationships start out with friendship. I found out that beneath his somewhat arrogant exterior, he was a very sweet guy, the sweetest I had ever met. And I agree with the person who said confidence can be faked. "Fake it 'till you make it" works very well in this respect. People tend to gravitate towards confident people because they assume that person has a REASON to be confident. It makes people want to know more about you. Once you see the positive responses you get, your confidence will naturally improve.
     
  9. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    what if you have no reasons to be confident though. and then when people get to know the real you they realize you're a fake?
     
  10. elliebelle

    elliebelle Active Member


    You don't have to fake who you are just fake some confidence to attract the people to you. The things that make you who you are stay the same, your interests, your ideals what changes is the way you come across to the people who meet you.
     
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Exactly elliebelle. It's like being on a job interview. You do the things that project confidence. You make eye contact, chin up, firm handshake, etc. You may be the perfect person for the job, but if the interviewer thinks you lack confidence, you won't get it. So we all do our best to show them that we can handle it. Same thing with real life. You don't need to lie, or say things that aren't true, just pick someone you admire, like an actor or actress and adopt some of their mannerisms. NOT their personality, mind you, their mannerisms, and you will be shocked at the social progress you can make. Like I said, once they see your confidence, they will respond and your confidence will naturally improve.

    Trust me. I was a gymnast for 10 years. In competition, you have to salute to the judge, make eye contact, and pretend that you are not afraid in the least of falling on your ass and humiliating yourself and that you didn't just almost pee your pants out of sheer nervousness. If you appeared in any way to be freaking out, that would affect your score, because it causes the judges to look for flaws that they may not have otherwise seen! It's the same thing in real life. And once you are successful a few times, your confidence will surge.

    I also knew a guy who went around asking out every girl he thought was cute just for practice. For ever 9 girls who said no, one would say yes, and I can tell you, he dated more girls than anyone I've ever known because of it. After a certain amount of rejection, he literally stopped caring, but even better, he had had so much practice, that he learned what to do and what not to do. Eventually, girls were crawling all over him because he knew exactly how to talk to them, and trust me when I say, he's not very good-looking, well-educated or well-dressed. He just taught himself through trial and error how to talk to people, all the while letting his true personality shine through. People give up because they think that all of this comes naturally, but it's a learned technique. From all that I've learned over the years studying human behavior, at this point I can walk into a bar and using a few subtle (not slutty btw) body and eye signals, command the attention of every man in the room without even trying. Trust me when I say it works like magic.
     
  12. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    That's a pretty effective metaphor...If I wanted someone to do a job, I would want to pick someone who seemed capable of doing the job, and competant enough to do it properly.

    Ack! x_X; I don't like hearing things like that...I could never have a woman like that v_v There are so many guys out there in the world who are better choices than I am. A desirable woman like that is forever out of my reach, and just being reminded of it hurts me. And hearing about someone who is easily able to command the attention of everyone in a room...aw man x_X; Can you pleeeeease stop bragging about having things I don't have? >_<;

    I've been insecure about this issue since I was around 16, and I've been making topics on the Internet asking about it ever since then. I've gotten the same pool of responses each time - "You need more confidence / you need to show confidence / confidence is the key to success." On one hand, if everyone I've ever spoken to unanimously agrees that it's the miracle cure, It probably is. On the other hand, I am really really sick of hearing about confidence.

    Can anyone offer me any advice without mentioning self-confidence or self-assurance? I understand the benefits, but I don't approve of the method. Being confident seems far too similar to being conceited and smug. I don't want to come off as a self-sufficient person who isn't reliant on others, because I want and need companionship. I'm not attracted to confidence - I'm more attracted to the shy girl who needs help with something, because I want to cheer her up and help her out and be her hero. I want that same sort of person to be attracted to me, and for the same reasons.
     
  13. clingfilm

    clingfilm Guest

    instead of confidence, maybe try building your self esteem, that is not about being arrogant nor smug (but neither is real confidence, i tend to think often arrogance is borne from insecurities). self esteem is about appreciating the good qualities you have and seeing yourself in a good light, which might help you come across as less needy possibly., if you google 'ways to improve self esteem' loads of things come up.

    Remember, you are years behind your peers, give yourself a break and stop putting pressure on yourself and just be yourself, how you nmaturally feel, the more you socialise, the better you will get at it :)
     
  14. elliebelle

    elliebelle Active Member

    I think you're confusing confidence with arrogance. You can have a quiet kind of confidence without being the loud arrogant guy people can't stand. A confident person smiles a lot, makes eye contact, makes friendly conversation with people and doesn't talk only about themselves. Most of all a confident person isn't so worried about what other people are always thinking. I think you're looking too much for other peoples approval and that can be a turnoff.

    You say you could never get the desired girl at a bar, but have you ever tried asking? For all you know she could be very similar to you and be interested. The worst that can happen is she'll say no and while its embarassing it gives you experience. Girls are attracted to all different types of guys not just the typical one you'd expect.

    You say you want an answer other than confidence but maybe the reason things aren't changing for you is because you're rejecting that answer.
     
  15. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I agree elliebelle. You will be shocked at what a few subtle signals that you send can do for the way people perceive you. 85% of communication is non-verbal which means you say more with your body language than anything else.

    Think of it this way. Have you ever learned to do a cartwheel? Now, you can do a really crappy cartwheel and it will be more difficult to land on your feet because your legs and arms are bent and you aren't achieving maximum efficiency physically. Now, with practice, you learn the proper technique, and although it takes a little while to get it right, once you learn to do it the right way, it's SOOOO much easier than it was to do it the wrong way. It looks better and feels better and you will look back on the way you used to do it as silly and inefficient. It becomes second nature.

    Sending the right social signals can be exactly the same way. You have all this great stuff going on inside, a great personality, certain likes and dislikes, and all of these things make you perfect for someone either as a friend or as a boyfriend. The key is learning to communicate your strengths to others through your body language and through your words. The point I was making about being able to command attention at a bar is that it is can be a learned behavior. I actually learned a LOT about how to behave in a class I took during Summer school one year, and it has worked wonders. I don't have to FAKE anything, because I am simply sending the signals through my body language and speech that I intend to send. Trust me, if I want to be a biatch, I will be a biatch, but now I never unintentionally make people think I'm stuck-up or disinterested or bored when I'm not.

    When you think about it, it is actually being MORE truthful to manage the signals you send out carefully, because then nobody ever gets the wrong idea. If you are interested in a girl for example, your shyness doesn't have to get in the way of communicating that fact.
     
  16. Blah.

    Blah. Guest

    I've kind of skimmed through this thread but I agree with clingfilm. If you feel good about yourself you're going to give off the air of someone that someone wants to know, if that makes sense. I get the feeling you're so worried about those girls (and remember they are only one group of girls in a world brimming full of girls who are different from the ones in your class) worrying about 'creepy guys' and creeping around social conventions when it could be just a matter of being who you are rather than who you think other people would like. I think you are aware of the things that you feel others would like but maybe you can't perform. I'm the same way- and I've given up in some respects I just can't do it. I work backwards. When I was in university, the first month I was so fucking depressed because I couldn't take watching the usual rituals that I've seen so many times before. That sense of loneliness/cut offness is awful and I know how painful that is. I suppose in I'm very confident in myself but may come across as hesitant/withdrawn/very wary and have little social skills to keep me "drifting" easily, if that makes sense.

    When it comes to social interaction- the one that you're talking about- my girlfriend says it's a learned skill, that you have to develop. I don't think I've ever developed them well enough ;). But I think maybe building up your self-esteem (and this is complicated) may help you. I haven't read this thread so maybe I'm regurgitating things but what was said about job interviews, I think it's exactly like that. It's a great big performance of 'selling yourself,' and I can do this in interviews (you have to hype yourself up, get no sleep and go manic) but can't do it in a social context. It's a performance that maybe you have to learn somehow?

    A lot of communication is also non-verbal. And those people who "act" confident- aren't necessarily confident, maybe they can perform. There was one person (the person who you'd think is very confident/has loads of friends etc) who used to shake/blush/tremble every time I looked at him or was close to him and I couldn't ever figure out why and I'm far from socially confident.

    "I'm more attracted to the shy girl who needs help with something, because I want to cheer her up and help her out and be her hero."

    Yes, but what happens when you've done your heroic act and she doesn't want your help but would rather get to know you?

    When it comes to being self-assured/confident it's complex, maybe a lot comes from childhood, how you developed feelings about yourself etc.

    I hope things get easier for you.
     
  17. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I'm sort of lucky that my particular brand of shyness manifests itself visually as the "I don't give a shit attitude." I bascically become a stone wall. With people I don't know, I'll give quick answers in a nonchalant voice, make fleeting eye contact.

    Around people I do know, I've gained a certain fragile self-esteem. Although I don't let the "fragile" part show to much. I won't lie to you, it was hard gaining even that, but it is essential for being social.

    And whoever said confidence was (one of) the keys to attracting women is spot on. "Shy and desperate" shines through flawlessly like the sun in summer. Well, in most cases.
     
  18. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I just want you to know that there are girls out there who would like a guy like you. There are girls who like a needy guy makes them feel like they are needed as much as they need you. It sounds to me like you would match up well with a shy girl, one of the ones that doesn't say much alot of the time. Obviously, dont just go for anyone, you might not like them. But from my experience (being one of those shy girls) it's nice when a guy is walking past me and just simply says "hi". It takes a while of just saying hi every now and then until it feels right to start a conversation. Basicly, you need to be slow.

    As for the friends thing. I'm very similar, and recently I've become even worse due to some recent events. But all this takes alot of time, dont try too hard to be someone you're not and try not to concentrate on your body language too much because that makes you look awkward. Just make sure you think about what you say to certain people because someone could become offended at a comment or joke even if it is blatantly funny...(I have had that alot...)

    You sound like a genuinly nice guy who would treat someone right.

    Speaking from experience, as a girl who's very shy and awkward. I myself am very needy. If I start to like someone and they like me back, I begin to latch on, I want to talk to them all the time and I get genuinly distraught if I dont talk to them for a few days. I get dependant on them.......and I know there are guys out there who actually want that. But recently I've come to understand that I shouldn't have made myself so vunerable and I should have given them space.....

    so yeah, for a girl, you need to find the right balance of being depandant on them and being independant on them. Never say you dont need them though...that's like a bullet.

    I hope you'll be ok.
     
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