Recently my suicidal thoughts have been a little more logical or non-emotional. I don't really know what to call it. My prior thoughts were usually a result of horrible depression/PTSD (like a hate myself, people are better off without me, etc). Current I am actually quite happy. Some days more than others for sure. It's like my thoughts and feelings are completely opposite. Anyway, lately I've been thinking about how I've had suicidal thoughts for 14 years. I don't know what I want to do in life. I am not passionate about anything. I don't want to get married. I have physical health issues that make it hard to work more than 4 days a week. Which means I could never work full time, make enough money for rent to live on my own (without roommates), or pay medical bills. So really I don't see myself being completely independent. On top of this, I keep thinking about how everybody dies anyway. So I don't understand the point of life. Like I just work myself into the ground, have some fun with friends if I have the energy and time. But really nothing I do is going to matter long term. I know people are always like, "but you can make a big difference in someone's life". (which is highly unlikely. My mental and physical health are so unstable I don't have the ability to work in any helping professional. I just work at minimum wage in a position where I'm easily replaceable- no meaningful work). But I guess I'm like "well even if I did, they'll die eventually too". Life is so temporary I just don't see the point. Like why should I live a life full of challenges and struggles? Is this weird? Does anyone else ever think like this?