"non-emotional" suicidal thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by calotus, Oct 13, 2016.

  1. calotus

    calotus New Member

    Recently my suicidal thoughts have been a little more logical or non-emotional. I don't really know what to call it. My prior thoughts were usually a result of horrible depression/PTSD (like a hate myself, people are better off without me, etc). Current I am actually quite happy. Some days more than others for sure. It's like my thoughts and feelings are completely opposite.

    Anyway, lately I've been thinking about how I've had suicidal thoughts for 14 years. I don't know what I want to do in life. I am not passionate about anything. I don't want to get married. I have physical health issues that make it hard to work more than 4 days a week. Which means I could never work full time, make enough money for rent to live on my own (without roommates), or pay medical bills. So really I don't see myself being completely independent.

    On top of this, I keep thinking about how everybody dies anyway. So I don't understand the point of life. Like I just work myself into the ground, have some fun with friends if I have the energy and time. But really nothing I do is going to matter long term. I know people are always like, "but you can make a big difference in someone's life". (which is highly unlikely. My mental and physical health are so unstable I don't have the ability to work in any helping professional. I just work at minimum wage in a position where I'm easily replaceable- no meaningful work). But I guess I'm like "well even if I did, they'll die eventually too". Life is so temporary I just don't see the point. Like why should I live a life full of challenges and struggles?

    Is this weird? Does anyone else ever think like this?
  2. lillium

    lillium Active Member

    it is either exist for as long as you can and experience what you can (food,writing,art,travel,relationships,music,stories,culture,physical activity and sensations,knowledge,philosophy,history,etc)

    until some kind of pain makes any kind of enjoyment impossible (even then think hard about what joys/interests are still within your reach, an if pain is okay or if it's too much.

    then if you've though about it enough, stop existing. no more experiencing, for ever and ever and ever. You existed and now you don't and never will again. no more music, smells, friends, dreams, books, snow, rain, family, thoughts, emotions, etc. Only something like passing out (but you will never wake up or dream. your brain and everything that was you is gone. your body will turn into dirt. the end. You were here when planet was able to support life and you got here somehow through years and years of evolution and you were able to do things like think and see color and hear and if you were a rock or an ant you wouldn't have been able to do all or any of those things.

    Humans like feeling important or like what they do will have "lasting" effects, but nothing will "last", effects are relative (because planet will burn eventually) but that's also why it's super super cool and important because it's so small and absurdly transient and freakish that anything exists at all let alone you, or me, or a moth that only gets to live for several months if she can avoid predators, and she isn't even capable of understanding what "death" is.
  3. troubledmind

    troubledmind Active Member

    I'm glad you can find some kind of happiness!! It's not easy these days or it's just getting old.. I haven't had a friend in 18 years.. I have been a recluse for the last 16 years.. I only go out to shop or see my docs.. I've grown accustomed to it over the years.. Take any little bit of enjoyment you can out of this life..Take Care!!
  4. jake.007

    jake.007 Member

    hello calotus. i understand exactly what you're saying, and in my opinion, it is not weird at all. i think in the same terms -- my approach to suicide is entirely analytical and not based on emotion. i tried to explain this to a therapist this week . . . that, on balance, the relative "value" of my continuing life was far outweighed by the pain and suffering that it will cause. his response to this discussion was to as why, then, am i still here, and to decide there was no reason for me to continue my sessions with him.