I've been so afraid of so many things lately... unable to leave my room- I feel like the first person I see is going to run up to me and stab me in the back; literally. I want to get better...I do- I just don't know where to start. It seems impossible for me to accept anything good that anyone says about me. I just pile on the bad things; after another person says something good. I hate myself... I hate being scared of everything- I hate being so affected by one other person so much that it ruins my life and pushes me off the track I thought I could follow through life. I knew that shit happens... and shit *did* happen to me- but nothing made me more afraid and more confused than having my heart broken. The world turned upside down and I can't even feel good about the ONLY skills that I do have. I'm sooo bad at so many things and now the things that I used to be good at; I'm HORRIBLE at! Now I've got nothing! >< I just want to die and start over again! Press the re-start button!! So... I was invited to perform with a band at a fairly big event tomorrow. I dropped out last week because I knew that I wouldn't be able to pull it together. Today; I was invited back-- saying that we wouldn't be *at* the event, but instead, performing live- video streamed from a sound booth. I can't even do *that* I'm so worthless and afraid and just paranoid about any aspect of leaving my room. I would have to take a bus- with a bunch of strangers; and then the subway and *try* to find a studio that I'd never been to before... probably get lost and mugged and raped in an alley somewhere... and end up never performing again. << that is what I think. I just can't do it. I hate how I sound, and how I look and how I act. There's really nothing left that I can do right, and if there was- I wouldn't know it because I'm so convinces that I just plain suck. fuck it. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself; if a step by step process never worked? If I can't get over this fear of leaving my room- I'm going to just keep on hating myself- and I'll never amount to anything. My Ex probably knew it; and that's why he left me. He knew that I was a worthless loser before I did.