Normal to feel like this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Autopilot, Dec 21, 2010.

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  1. Autopilot

    Autopilot Member

    Heya, first post be easy on me. I'm an 18 year old male, and the reason I'm posting is that for the past 4-5 years I have felt no joy, or no reason whatsoever to get out of bed in the morning. This is a rant!

    Im from the lower middle class, my clothes are crap, i look like shit, I'm born with something called Cleft lip and palate, I don't have a job, I don't have a driver's license, I don't have a car. I have never had a girlfriend, my mom is an alcoholic and she doesn't have a job. My attendance at school is under 40% (!) My grades are so fucking crap, and I'm unmotivated. And the thought of ending the piece of shit called life has started to cross my mind every day lately. Not rarely do I find crying myself to sleep, I don't eat, I'm thin. I stay up the whole night, and often I'm up for 30 hours from insomnia.. WTF?

    I have no future, I'm already broke, unsuccessful, ugly, broke.. Where's my value? My whole childhood as been about me being bullied, not only from ignorant douche bags at my school, but my mom has hit me, and always made me know how huge disappointment i am, and how worthless i am.. She even said she wish I wasn't born once..

    A depressing thought, "live while you're young" Nice, I've wasted my good years, and all im left with for the rest of my life is, bills, loans, crap payed jobs you will never enjoy. I see no reason life will get better in the future. I suck at handling responsibility, and with my grades I will probably work at McDonald's for 20 years. Fuck yea, seems tempting yea? Where you work 80 hours a week @ McDonald's to pay the fucking bills?! Nah man, what if I said fuck that shit.
    Everyone says, being young is the best years. Haha, then my remaining years ain't looking good.. Na mean?

    I never show emotions, guess someone here can relate to that? No one could imagine me being depressed or w/e it's called.. I'm all like, how the fuck can ME being so demanding, ever be happy? What girl, would want a suicidal drug abuser, with no job, not to mention looks like shit lol.. Yea I really do look like shit, so dont tell me i dont hah.

    Sorry for this wall of text, just so tired and perhaps u guys could understand? My problems seems so small, and i seem like an ungrateful piece of shit, but my sorry ass cant hide these crap feelings no more.. Sorry again for all this stupid shit, just how i feel..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2010
  2. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    hey autopilot :smile:
    welcomee to the forums!
    first off, there is no stupid shit you said. thats how your feeling. depression drags you down and makes it appear like you were unable to ever overcome feeling like this. a lot of poeple here deal with the same issues and so do i. so your certainly not alone
    i hope youll get the help you need and find support on here! :)
     
  3. Autopilot

    Autopilot Member

    Thanks for the reply, well I feel like shit no doubt, maybe I am shit? Haha
    What's so sad to me is that world is all about being pretty, and succeeding. I failed, and I'm not pretty. 50 Cent - Get rich or die tryin! Word, I'll die trying lol.
     
  4. WishICould

    WishICould Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF mate.

    I hope your rant made you feel a little better. Better out than in, as they say.

    Sorry I aint the one with the answers but good luck with your quest for happiness, I truly hope you find it.
     
  5. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    its still hard for me to realise that the depression pollutes our minds so much that we act and think irrationally and are driven by our emotions. we seem to be convinced nothing will ever change. but i guess the truth is that we cant quite see clearly while suffering from it. keep posting and let us know how you feel :) theres always someone who can relate and has some feedback for ya
     
  6. Autopilot

    Autopilot Member

    Yea that was what I was hoping for, sometimes I feel very much worse for no particular reason. But i feel like every day is a struggle, some more than others : / I have a feeling of wanting just to not exist, be dead. It would be more peaceful, and quite than life. But you all might have these thoughts here?

    Thanks for the replies :)
     
  7. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Autopilot,

    Thanks for taking the time to post and getting your feelings out somewhat.

    I'm not sure who said "Live while you're young" But, just a thought... define "young". I honestly know people in their 70's and 80's who are much more healthy and vibrant than people my age or in their 50's. So often, "young" is a state of mind.

    Loud Silence said it well that "we are convinced nothing will ever change" when we are dealing with the cloud of depression. Remember, you're looking through that cloud, and it's hard to see clearly.

    From your post, you seem almost apologetic about your feelings, your rant. Please, don't apologize for your feelings. Don't diminish your feelings, your emotions. You, your feelings, your emotions, your well-being is just as important as anybody else's.

    And finally, you mentioned something in your post about being a drug abuser. Please please start there. Get help somewhere for the drug abuse. I have to believe that once you're off the drugs, your mind will start to clear up and you will have overcome a huge hurdle. Anyone who can overcome the bondage of addiction (any kind of addiction) has achieved a great feat and has ample reason to be proud. Please start to take those steps in your own life.
     
  8. Autopilot

    Autopilot Member

    I hear you dawg, thanks for the reply. As for the drug use, it's more so knowing that if things don't work out I can just kill myself. Therefore I don't give a fuck about what I do now, so starting with drugs is a result of not caring about my life at all. It's not that bad though. Cocaine on rare occasions, and weed almost every day. I have tried lots of drugs, but I ain't doing them often, things like meth and speed will make things worse Îmo.

    I'm all like, if everything is going to hell, and I'll end up shooting myself few years from now on anyway, I might as well use drugs, I don't even have the time to become an addict hah:p
     
  9. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Autopilot,

    It's good that you are expressing your feelings. I am sincerely and truly sorry that you feel that horrible. Hopefully, on this forum, you can find a way to first express the despair you feel, and then find some acceptance with other people. Even if it's only in cyberspace, we all need acceptance.

    Perhaps start there, and then please please reach out to others in your community that can help you and work with you. Social workers, therapists, ministers. Many caring people are around. You just have to find them. That's one of the terrible challenges of depression. When I'm depressed and "falling downward" I have no energy, no desire, no nothing in my psyche to even want to reach out to someone else. So, I isolate myself. And at that point, that's when I most need someone else.

    Please consider that.

    Oh, and as far how you look... well, geez, I was such an ugly, goofy looking kid that people used to tie a steak around my neck just to get the dog to play with me (a little joke there...)

    But seriously, you would be surprised how things change. While I'm single at 44, I have had 2 chances to get married, and I've said no to both. And, this is after 0 dates in high school, and only a few more than 0 during my entire 6 years of college. I think when the women in my town started getting older, their eyesight began going bad. And when that happened, poof, I started looking good to some of them :)

    Please keep posting, and I hope you begin to feel better and begin reaching out in your community for additional help.
     
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