Feeling a bit disappointed in myself and nostalgic. Everything I do seems to remind me of the past, when everything was better. I walked outside to watch the meteors by myself this evening and it brought me back to long nights spent camping out with my best friends last summer... back when we were all close, like a family... now they are gone, I am alone mostly. I logged onto facebook to talk to someone and saw an old friend's name, but it brought me back to a few years ago, when me and a bunch of friends would spend every weekend having a game and movie night... now the girl hates me, and my friends are gone... I am alone. I decided to watch an old favorite television show as a distraction, but it brought me back over 10 years ago: My brother and I sitting in front of the television at dinner time, we were good friends, he hadn't molested me yet, it seemed like a good healthy family. Innocence, trust, joy, faith... it is all gone now. I decided to look through some old files today on the computer... my own writing... I found a beautifully written story I did in high school. It was impressive I think, I was talented then. Now, my mind is so incoherent and my focus so shot that I can barely write in my diary about my own life sometimes, never mind create a story. I am spoiled talent. No potential now. I long to have friendship back. Family. To not know the meaning of abuse. To not know what its like to be hated and harassed, abandoned and blackmailed. To be clearheaded and in the moment, productive and motivated. Not to be clouded by haunting memories and flashbacks, good and bad all tangling into one nostalgic and horrifying mess. Not clouded by some stupid disease that went uncaught and has found its way into my brain. It is agonizing to have lost so much. I find myself pathetic, tormented, and living in terror of the future. Paralyzed and rendered functionless. I am a useless being with a broken reputation, drowning alone in her own pathetic despair. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.