Nostalgic, tormented, pathetic

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by elvinchild, Aug 12, 2009.

  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Feeling a bit disappointed in myself and nostalgic. Everything I do seems to remind me of the past, when everything was better.

    I walked outside to watch the meteors by myself this evening and it brought me back to long nights spent camping out with my best friends last summer... back when we were all close, like a family... now they are gone, I am alone mostly.

    I logged onto facebook to talk to someone and saw an old friend's name, but it brought me back to a few years ago, when me and a bunch of friends would spend every weekend having a game and movie night... now the girl hates me, and my friends are gone... I am alone.

    I decided to watch an old favorite television show as a distraction, but it brought me back over 10 years ago: My brother and I sitting in front of the television at dinner time, we were good friends, he hadn't molested me yet, it seemed like a good healthy family. Innocence, trust, joy, faith... it is all gone now.

    I decided to look through some old files today on the computer... my own writing... I found a beautifully written story I did in high school. It was impressive I think, I was talented then. Now, my mind is so incoherent and my focus so shot that I can barely write in my diary about my own life sometimes, never mind create a story. I am spoiled talent. No potential now.

    I long to have friendship back. Family. To not know the meaning of abuse. To not know what its like to be hated and harassed, abandoned and blackmailed. To be clearheaded and in the moment, productive and motivated. Not to be clouded by haunting memories and flashbacks, good and bad all tangling into one nostalgic and horrifying mess. Not clouded by some stupid disease that went uncaught and has found its way into my brain.

    It is agonizing to have lost so much. I find myself pathetic, tormented, and living in terror of the future. Paralyzed and rendered functionless. I am a useless being with a broken reputation, drowning alone in her own pathetic despair. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    sometimes just looking back at good memories from the past can help motivate you to go back to how it was then. Or for me I look at my happy memories and sometimes they keep me going.. Makes me realize that I can be happy that I have been before. Maybe you could sit down and try and figure out what it would take to get back to having friends and what not. Could give you a goal to try and achieve.
  3. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    Like Kankuro said, maybe remembering how you where can motivate you to be like that again? Give you something to aim for, something to hang on for.

    I hear what you said, I have that issue too. Lost friends, family, chances. SOmethings bring them back. And I crash. It's hard. But try to use those past moments as a target hun

    Keep talking to us :hug:
  4. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I try... but its not so easy. Back then I was stable... now I am not. Its so easy to drive people away now... I've ruined two new friendships that I made in the spring.

    Back then I believed people would stick around... now I know they won't. Security is gone and friendships just aren't as meaningful and beautiful when I know I'm going to be left behind in the end.

    Back then I could be open and honest with people about my personal life, because I didn't have morbid thoughts running around in my head about self-injury and suicide... Now, I have to keep my silence, and wear a mask. Its not easy. I get worn out.

    I've been trying, but its discouraging. Every friend I make I lose a few months later out of my own incompetence.
  5. rosalee

    rosalee Well-Known Member

    I don't really have anything constructive to add, but I just wanted to say that I feel the same way too, a lot of the time. Stuff like finding an old dress in the closet, or hearing a song that was popular when I was still in school takes me back in a really visceral way -- mostly to that time two summers ago, which was the last time it seemed like the future was something to look forward to, and not something to dread.

    I guess what helps is to live in the moment. Easier said than done, I know. Personally, I've started doing affirmations -- idk if they'd work for you; a lot of people think they're hokey new-age nonsense, but they at least help me stay aware of my negative thoughts. When I find myself ruminating over a memory in a negative way, I try to say to myself, "I'm grateful to have made it this far." I don't always remember, and it doesn't always work, but at least it's a start.