Its my birthday on Saturday and my head keeps telling me that is the day to do it. I am in utter turmoil and will be as I do have children to think about, and I know they will suffer if I go, I came across a song called mamas arms and it was about a mother that had gone and how the boy has to keep on keeping on. I have had suicidal thoughts through my life and come close to it at times, I feel disconnected from life itself, I do not want the get together for my birthday, my parents have put something on for me and I am dreading going, it means staying the night and that is so hard. I feel guilty as I know they are doing it because they love me, and the worst part of it is that my mum had a heart attack back in august so its not like I can really say no I cant cope with it, it makes me feel so so guilty. My children will be there except for my eldest who has planned to come and see me the following weekend, Its like there is two people inside my head, the part of me that feels total utter guilt for feeling this way and trying to just hold on for the children. Then the other part dreams of doing stuff to myself and to do it on my birthday so the children will not have to think of two dates, I know that sounds like there is no emotion in that sentence at all but its grinding me down..... I do not think suicide is the easy way out its so so hard but then to live is so painful. I keep seeing me doing it over and over again, and wherever I go I see potential in just about anything......how do I shut my head up. I feel I should be sorted by now, ive had intensive therapy and do use it, I am living in the community after being an inpatient for 6 years, I have my 13 year old who lives with me and that was his choice the others are with there dad. I do know me doing something is going to mess everybody up, so that would make me a despicable mother, my ex (the father of the children) has been calling me as he is hurting as his wife left him, he ended up with her while I was in hospital, it never really worked and she was always jealous of me it was a crazy relationship, now he is wanting to get back with me, to be able to hug me etc etc, he keeps saying I am the only one whom he can talk to, its screwing with my head but he is my childrens father and I want him to be ok...................I am just feeling so messed up I want to have some peace I hate my chaotic head I hate it when I am struggling to see tomorrow and people around me are looking towards my birthday, what am I doing at Christmas, my new niece/nephew will be born spring next year yet why do I feel so detatched, unsure whether I will actually get there, wanting to know what I want etc but I cant see it, I know my children have bought me presents and that makes me feel so so guilty I feel I am in a hole and have no idea if im going to be able to get out of this one. I want to scream so loud!