Not a good day...again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Mona1990, Sep 19, 2016.

  1. Mona1990

    Mona1990 New Member

    Lets be honest, I don't know who I am trying to fool. Someone very nice, trying to help, told me that I need to find ways to cope with the stress in my life. And if I can do that, I will then in turn feel less depressed. So I woke up this morning feeling positive and motivated. Had this idea in mind that I will get through the day and go walk after work. So, got to work, dealt with the workloads, dealt with the people, and you actualy feel like "wow, I got this shit, this is gona be a good day" your day goes on, your just sitting there, and it hits you like a train, the darkness starts to creep in. And you feel your body become tired, like you haven't sleeped for weeks. Your eyes become rocks, to heavy for your head, you feel the tears coming, and all you do in that moment is fight the tears. And you end up again in the bathroom. Crying alone. Coz you don't want to be there. You just want to go home.

    5 o clock comes and you can't be more relieved. So there you are. Sitting in traffic. Thinking whats waiting for you at home. And the tears just keep coming. All you want to do is get home and crawl into bed and stay there. But you can't, you keep yourself busy. Cooking or "working" or whatever you can to avoid the people at home. You just want to be alone, coz when they come near you it feels like they are on top of you. And the anxiety kicks in and you escape. But doing that causes questions. Questions you have no answers for.

    So where is my safe place? The shower, the only place I feel totally alone and totaly safe. The only place where I can cry without being scared of someone walking in and asking whats wrong. Where I can just sob. And let it all out. Untill my legs get too weak to hold my body. And I end up sitting in the shower. Weeping. About everything. Or about nothing?? I don't know....
  2. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I've been in that place before-exactly the same place that you described, and a lot of my pain and sadness had to do with lies. The lies I told by never telling the truth-I didn't lie to people but I didn't tell them the truth either-because I knew that it would hurt them and cause problems. The same reason I told lies to myself instead of the truth-because I knew that the truth (if I let myself own it and take responsibility for it) would hurt people and cause problems. So I lived with so many lies that my whole life became one-which was why I was achingly lonely and incapable of ever feeling close to anyone. What would I say to them anyway-just tell more lies? All because I knew that the truth (my truth) would hurt so many people a lot.

    But what I learned was that the truth would eventually come out one way or another and it did-and it was ugly, awkward, even hostile for a while between me and those in my inner circle. Because they all knew then that I had been lying to them for years-it didn't seem to matter that my intentions had been good, I just didn't want to hurt them. The point is that it was really bad for a while but in time my ability to begin to live my truth really did set me free and change my life. I wonder if you see any similarities between my story in the past and your in the present. I do-but maybe I'm wrong. If so-thank you for listening. Best of luck to you-LT
  3. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hello Mona, I am Mox

    I believe you need to be kinder to yourself. You have to understand the better coping mechanisms. Will help you the longer you use them, it will take some time. Just be patient my friend. Everyone has bad days and that is ok. I feel like you have to keep trying. The more you try, the easier it will become. You can do this.

    Could you share with me, what is going on at home? It sounds like it is very stressful place for you. The more you share the more we can help.

    Please my friend, feel free to IM/PM me anytime you need help. You are not alone in this anymore, you have me =)

    Take Care