Not a Good Day...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mentalhealthnurse, Jul 19, 2016.

  1. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    So today hasn't picked up as I hoped it would. I feel worse than ever, my body feels heavy like I'm dragging it around the house. I'm tired and want to sleep or curl up and cry. I know that doesn't solve anything but it feels right. I had a few good days and don't understand why I've been dragged back down. I'm lying in bed with the kids playing around the house. The weather is lovely and I haven't been able to go out. I just can't. I phoned my husband in tears, now I feel guilty as he is at work and blame myself even more for his affair and my inadequacy. Why do we suffer so?
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello @mentalhealthnurse Sorry you are having such a bad day, I hope it picks up, is there anything in particular making you not want to get out of the bed? Anxiety/fear etc..? Life can be cruel, that is for sure but look after number 1, you. I hope your husband doesn't pick things up wrongly and when he gets home maybe ye can have a more serious conversation. Maybe phone the samritans, just to hear someones voice listening can help :)
     
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  3. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Its called depression and it affects us all is so many different ways. Or thats how it appears to me and I know so little about it still. But the feelings and emotions you describe are a mirror of those I haave experienced myself and I have been told I have depression and anxiety. Instead of coming home from group therapy and sitting outside in the fine weather, I have hidden myself away indoors [again] because I just cant face being outside, by myself, where the whole world can see me and all the weaknesses I have. Stupid to most, but real to me.

    So I keep telling myself its the illness and not me.
     
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  4. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    I'm lying here asking myself what's making me lie here. I don't know yet, I'm just tired of everything right now. Tired of life and things going wrong, I know it always gets better but it's tough right now. I have thought about calling Samaritins but feel a fraud. Just feel there must be people needing their time more than me and that perhaps my issues are superficial. I can function to an extent...but it's easier to lie in bed and stare at the wall.
     
  5. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    I have ran from the word depression for so long. I'm terrified of being labelled. I look at my mother and scream inside at the thought of it doing to me what it has done to her. I call it a "bad day" or a "shit day". But it hits you like a tonne of bricks out of the blue and it's so hard to get up sometimes. I almost screamed at my GP for mentioning the D word, maybe it's denial or shame that I can't be in control of my life. I really don't know. But when it's said to me I can't breathe because I can't be depressed. I can't be.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    No you would not be a fraud, just like here that is what it is there for. Calling them can make a huge difference, calling the samaritans was a part of my crisis plan with my psychiatrist and it worked out very well. Please do gather the courage to ring them and release all the tension inside of you. It won't hurt to call them ((hugs))
     
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  7. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    I don't know where to start sometimes, so much has happened I've forgotten where the issues began but thank you for the encouragement and I will think about calling them xx
     
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  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Write your thoughts out, collect yourself, then call if you feel up to it, I hope you do, they are excellent, would never say a bad word about them, they are great for dealing with people in crisis and at calming them down! :)
     
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  9. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I have spent my life running from certain "issues" that I wont discuss with anyone. It took me 3 yrs to even begin to realise I might have some form of mental illness. Me, mental illness, dont be daft. I apologise for mentioning the D word, but I could have written what you did because my experience was identicle and from what I've read around here and heard in my groups, so are a lot of other peoples.

    Its not a label, its a illness. If you break your leg, what would you do? Get it treated hopefully and we could all see you had a broken leg. Mental health is just the same. Just no one sees we are unwell. Its nothing to be ashamed of and can happen to any one of us at any time. Sad, but true.

    Hopefully though, you are right, its just a shit day and tomorrow will be a whole lot better.
     
  10. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    You're right @SinisterKid. It is an illness, there are days I feel very unwell. There's just not enough people around me that understand. I commend you for attending groups, the fill me with dread but I do need to start speaking to someone who can help me.
     
  11. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I had little alternative to the group therapy. Sectioned? No thanks. I have spent time on a ward and dont want to be back there ever again. So the groups it was. I was terrified. I was a complete headcase on the first day. My partner came to the bus stop with me and made sure I got on the right bus [even simple things like that cause me problems] Everyone at the group was so kind and supportive, just like this place. It was only a small group which helped enormously. A large group and I would probably have walked away. I also get a little one to one each week with my key worker [a mental health nurse] and I see a psych about once every 4-6 weeks.

    The stigma attached to it all was hard to deal with at first. But one of the OT kept telling me I was ill, not stupid or lazy, ill. That helped me accept the situation and admit to myself that I was not well.
     
  12. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    I feel like the laziest mother and wife on the planet sometimes, but I physically cannot move sometimes I am so low and down. My husband keeps trying to encourage me to do things with the kids and I know I should but I just can't. I do feel lazy but I know Im not well either. He doesn't understand. I don't suppose its fair to expect anyone to understand the mind of another.
     
  13. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    No one who has not suffered some form of mental illness can possibly understand what it is and what it does. Even the so called "experts" are not sure and are often shooting in the dark, hoping something will work.

    I think we are both beating ourselves up because we dont meet the expectations we put on ourselves or the expectations of others. Its not rational, but wtf is rational about mental health?
     
  14. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    I don't think anyone can understand what it feels like when it seems that your whole body and mind are screaming from the inside out and your'e crippled with the emotional pain and anguish that you can't describe to anyone. I know a Doctor who suffers from Bipolar and that Doctor is an interesting person to observe with patients. I constantly beat myself up, I'm not what I wanted to be or who I feel I should be.
     
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  15. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You take the red corner, I'll take the blue corner, we beat the crap out of each other and see if it makes us feel any better? A solution, not a ideal one, but a solution all the same. I like the way you put it about understanding, its about as accurate as it gets.

    Bipolar Doc, interesting is a understatement.
     
  16. mentalhealthnurse

    mentalhealthnurse Well-Known Member

    Image of the 80's toy with the red and blue box shaped men who box. Amusing and made me smile. You know we will get to where we want to be one day. I think I took a wrong turn, I should be living in a mountain top retreat free from the stress of first world problems.
     
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  17. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yeah, I remember that toy. If only we had sat nav back then, maybe most of these "wrong turns" would never have happened ;)
     
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  18. iam

    iam SF Supporter

    I would like to join you on that mountain top retreat. Everything you describe is how I felt for a very long time. The exhaustion, feeling like crying. Feeling useless and lazy. The fact I keep ending up this way tells me I'm not really made for this world. I belong in simpler world. It's just too busy for me. I'm not really a people person either so the thought of hiding away on a mountain retreat( with my dogs) sounds wonderful. You will get better. I have in the past and I know I will again. It just takes time and plenty of rest. I'm here if you ever need to talk. Big hugs
     
  19. YellowTulips

    YellowTulips Member

    Hey there Mentalhealthnurse

    Don't ever feel like a ''Fraud'' for calling for any help :) you are human too, you are entitled as anyone else who needs their help. I know it's easier said than done but allow yourself ... just dial and talk, let it out. The Samaritans are good in the sense you can talk to them for a whole hour or more, about anything you need to. They don't ask your name or where or who you are. They have no idea what your number is, but they volunteer to take our calls. Isn't that great?. I did some fundraising for them once, and although I've been under Mental health teams, I do have to say the Samaritans are good as they are separate. There are always things we'd rather not talk about to our psychiatrist in detail, but sometimes we need to go in depth.. even if it's not necessarily about the past. What's going on now that's making the past amplified? is it something going on now? you know what I mean?
    I've also volunteered a similar helpline and have happily spent an hour talking to a lady about Cats and onions! (and I didn't mind, and she just felt better because she needed someone to talk to) - don't we all, sometimes?

    I understand what you're saying about others around you not seeing the whole picture. My advice is sometimes that's good.. it depends who it is.
    I can imagine with work it's not the first thing you want to go into. There are varying levels of comfort-zone, but first just try and get used to talking about you. I'm sure you've spent a long time putting others before yourself, as it's in your nature, but it's your time now. Your turn for the TLC and listening ear (hugs)

    I understand wanting to run away from the D word. Me too. I have often felt like leaving the moment any particular label is spoken. Purely because I know (in my mind) what that means, what it could mean.. and I think no... I can't be. Don't tell me what label I am. But it helps to remind yourself (as I do) that ok.. there will be people always in life who are going to half-frown. But do they matter? - not at all. Do you matter- yes you do. Everyone matters. You matter.

    The world is a stressful place , some of us see more than others. You are at front seeing people at their worst day in day out, so I hear what you're saying about mountains!

    Anyway, I hope you're feeling a bit better by the time you read this. Keep talking ok?
    You're in the right place. People who hear you. People who are from all backgrounds , feeling the same .. all of us. And we're good with you here talking about it. Break the taboo.. we're human with struggles who need help.
    Big hugs.

    Tulips.