I've heard that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but in my case the problem has lasted all of my adult life, so it can hardly be described as temporary. I've always been a target for the hatred and contempt of others. I've been able to avoid it at times only by a rigorous process of deception in which I screen every word and gesture when in the company of others to avoid anything that might seem negative or provocative. But that is so difficult that it is like being on a stage playing a part every hour of every day. It's intellectually and emotionally exhausting. Who wants to live like that? The only solution is to stay away from other people, to keep interpersonal contact to the bare minimum necessary for survival. That, of course, means having no friends or family, ever, and maintaining a wary distance from anyone I must deal with in business. I'm weary of a life that has no meaning, no pleasure of any kind, and no hope. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for many years and always managed to pull myself out of it, but for what? Nothing ever gets better, so my reward for overcoming the urge to suicide is to endure more pain. I often thought of suicide as an adolescent. If only I had known the misery that awaited me, I think I might have had to courage to do it. If not now, when?