not able to cry

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by jimk, Jan 16, 2012.

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  1. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    am almost 65 yrs old now and can count the times i have let loose and actually cried and felt it on part of one hand with some fingers left over.. age 5 on and on till 17 it jsut was not safe even a little bit to show any emotion. they would have hurt me and maybe killed me..

    well been out of there forever adn now this is a real problem of mine. 11 yrs ago or so with therpaist Tara i confessed my deepest most ashamed act to her and almost cried then.. she pointed out to me that i never did the actual act so there was nothing to actually be ashamed of.. that just gave me relief and stopped the tear ducts dead in their tracks..

    half a dozen years ago one of my best friends since 1965 Andrea finallly did really kill herself.. before ending it she got me on the p;hone and thanked me for all the years of me loving her but said it was over nad am going to end it now.. bye and love Jim.. she had left my phone numnber in her note to the police .. i called the L.A. police deprartment but they were too late , andi was gone.. that hurt like a broadsword in the heart but even then i sort of went out to limbo land and never really felt this where it counts..

    been almost 4 yrs since Mary my soulmate since 1965 died from cancer.. johnny and i spent her last moments with her in the U. of W. medical center.. beautiful. most intelligent person have ever known. most compassionate and caring person i ahve ever known.. had been thru so much together along with the other 3 gals in our circle. did my dissociate number again at her death bed.. not really there and not letting myself feel the real hurt.. had been closer to mary than anyone else besides my dear son JOhnny.. mistakenly told tara my t she had gotten cancer again and then i just shut up.. tara saw her obituary in the paper and waited for me to talk about this.. well the subject was never brought up by me.. tara did bring it up on afternoon.. almost felt and sobbed then. but not.. did ran away very fast..

    this is not a healthy situation for me.. all these things still there in me with no way to let it get out.. use that johnny been with me at everyone of my 11 yrs of theapy appts.. but johnny has seen all of me over the last 35 yrs.. so that is a bull shit excuse.. truth is i am afraid to just feel all of my hurt.. afraid once open will not be able to put the lid back on the box.. feel stuck.
  2. Fredericks

    Fredericks Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure how to help, but I hope I can. I think I know what you mean about dissociating: I sometimes do this involuntarily, but it usually frightens me. I've never been able to distance myself from painful situations, so I'm not sure how you can make yourself come out of it. For me, when I really need to cry but can't get there, I usually flood my mind with painful thoughts and memories until they overload. I've also found that sad songs can help, and sometimes self injury works, but I can't really recommend that you do that.

    Are you aware of controlling yourself, of keeping yourself from crying? Maybe if you gave yourself permission, you could cry. I'm not sure how you'd go about it, but maybe forcing yourself to be present at the worst times of your life, at least in memory, and then telling yourself that it's okay to cry, that it's good and/or that you have to--maybe that could help. You said it wasn't safe for you to cry as a kid--maybe if you go back there in your memory and tell yourself that it's safe now...
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hello fredericks and thanks for your thouhgts.. my childhood was something i spent most of time not really there.. checked out and multiple personality disorder as a defense from staying there with what was going on.. childhood is something my therapist and i agree is something that is not safe, wholesome and any useful purpose in revisiting.. just was too fucking horrible .. hope have made my point. even hurts to think about it

    the loss of the loved ones in my life is a whole different thing.. these people were dear friends and we were very close with lots of good memories tween us.. these are a place i will talk to tara about maybe going into with her.. time to refeel the good.. the events of losing them and getting to some closure with them being gone in 3D life but the good hopefully will always be a part of me ..

    i have a very active dream life.. do not have any control over these dreams that keep showing up each night.. that is something else that tara and I need to have some discussion over.. attempting to figure out what they are really about and how to put some closure on the issues. the dreams which often border on night terrors are where i am not able to block and run away... there is what is really on my mind.. just need to get the courage to go there.
  4. Fredericks

    Fredericks Well-Known Member

    I wish you the best
  5. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    All I can do is wish you the best. :hug: Sometimes it's hard for me to cry out in public. -sigh
  6. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    I sort of understand what you mean with this. You have been through a lot, I wish you all the best *hugs*
  7. Chocolate Heartache

    Chocolate Heartache Active Member

    Jim, you've been through so much, there aren't really words I can find that can make any of it less painful. I just wish you the best, and I wish you inner peace.

    Some people find crying to be a good way to let out some of that pain. Some people don't. Some people find other ways to release it. You have been through some terrible hurt, and I hope that you find a way to work through it and release it, or at least reach out to someone here. My PM box is open. Take care xx
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