am almost 65 yrs old now and can count the times i have let loose and actually cried and felt it on part of one hand with some fingers left over.. age 5 on and on till 17 it jsut was not safe even a little bit to show any emotion. they would have hurt me and maybe killed me.. well been out of there forever adn now this is a real problem of mine. 11 yrs ago or so with therpaist Tara i confessed my deepest most ashamed act to her and almost cried then.. she pointed out to me that i never did the actual act so there was nothing to actually be ashamed of.. that just gave me relief and stopped the tear ducts dead in their tracks.. half a dozen years ago one of my best friends since 1965 Andrea finallly did really kill herself.. before ending it she got me on the p;hone and thanked me for all the years of me loving her but said it was over nad am going to end it now.. bye and love Jim.. she had left my phone numnber in her note to the police .. i called the L.A. police deprartment but they were too late , andi was gone.. that hurt like a broadsword in the heart but even then i sort of went out to limbo land and never really felt this where it counts.. been almost 4 yrs since Mary my soulmate since 1965 died from cancer.. johnny and i spent her last moments with her in the U. of W. medical center.. beautiful. most intelligent person have ever known. most compassionate and caring person i ahve ever known.. had been thru so much together along with the other 3 gals in our circle. did my dissociate number again at her death bed.. not really there and not letting myself feel the real hurt.. had been closer to mary than anyone else besides my dear son JOhnny.. mistakenly told tara my t she had gotten cancer again and then i just shut up.. tara saw her obituary in the paper and waited for me to talk about this.. well the subject was never brought up by me.. tara did bring it up on afternoon.. almost felt and sobbed then. but not.. did ran away very fast.. this is not a healthy situation for me.. all these things still there in me with no way to let it get out.. use that johnny been with me at everyone of my 11 yrs of theapy appts.. but johnny has seen all of me over the last 35 yrs.. so that is a bull shit excuse.. truth is i am afraid to just feel all of my hurt.. afraid once open will not be able to put the lid back on the box.. feel stuck.