I lost my job. My job was an extremely traumatic situation. I was being very badly psychologically bullied and discriminated against, including from the "authorities" of the HR department, for a long time. Gaslighted, condemned (inaccurately) but truths twisted and manipulated to make a "case" against not only my work but me as a person - my self-ness. They even went into inappropriate territory and tried to force me to internalize their (false and fabricated) bad opinions of me.... It was very head-messing, very messy, very bad...... very bad...... But the stresses of being "out" is in many ways equivalent to the stress of being "in." There isn't enough money, not nearly enough. I have severe PTSD from past financially devastating situations. This has led to already-existing phobias about things like opening mail (can't deal with bills, the prospect of some unknown HUGE expense that I can't deal with but must or else dire consequences - which has happened)... and emails... which was exacerbated by my work situation in which emails were used to terrorize me... I can't handle any of the things I need to be handling right now.... - I have a discrimination case with a government agency - still pending, but I have been too terrified to check my email account and see any communication from them because I'm terrified they'll drop my case... Absolutely terrified... So I can't look at my email account... - Which also means I can't check my email account because when they let me go they were going to be emailing me stuff... I'm not sure if the COBRA packet was handed to me, or if they were going to mail it, or email it...... I can't look at what I got that day, or my emails, or my mail. I can't... - But I NEED to continue the COBRA, not only for obvious reasons like medical coverage - and I'd recently been hospitalized with chest pain due to the stress from my job, I'm old enough so I can't be without coverage...and being without coverage freaks me out... But also because I have a medical eye condition for which I NEED to see my eye dr ASAP but I'm afraid to call him unless I know my coverage is continuing and I can't deal with any of the insurance anything... - I filed for unemployment but I'm too terrified to open a letter or log in online to see if they qualified my claim - ...And yet I'm going to HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS or else things will get even worse....... and I hate myself so much for not being able to do these things, and I hate the world so much for putting me into this situation yet again... this has been repeatedly traumatic, things happening over and over and I'm no longer able to deal... I hate the world, I hate these things and their necessity, I hate myself, I hate everything........ I know I need help with these life things but I don't think there IS anything that would be the help I need. (I see a counselor but I don't think she "gets" the trauma or its severe effects, but I don't have it in me or the ability to find another and explain the whole story again and she's been along while the past couple of months of events have played out...) These kinds of things have gone on over and over all my life to the point where I'm over the edge about it. I can't even explain the feelings. It's overwhelming, painful fear, but in a very deep and overarching way. My chest hurts just from thinking about things. It's like trying to push magnets of the same polarity together, but also when the pushing - and just the *thought* of pushing them - causes intense fear, pain and despair. Unbearable...like I just want to jump off a cliff to escape it all... And it's not *groundless* fear - because way more often than not these things have indeed wrought havoc, more pain, more distress... So it's not like being afraid of, say, tissue paper - because tissue paper won't really hurt you. It's not a phobia about something that's not harmful or real. It's terror about things that *have* and *do* hurt me, very very badly, and yet being expected to have to force yourself constantly back into experiencing those painful situations. I honestly don't know what anyone could do. - There's a voicemail on my phone, I did a reverse lookup and it came from my ex-employer - I don't know who, though - and I can't listen to it. I'm afraid of voicemails. And emails. My entire email account. And mail. And EVERYTHING. - Terrified about lack of funds, and - too terrified to be able to do anything to gain funds...... - petrified and PTSD about the prospect of working for yet another employer, let alone trying to "fake" myself well enough to even pass muster, and can't bear the thought of being in the situation of having to prove my worth to be hired, to retain the job, to constantly being judged... exposing myself to more of the misjudgments and bullying that are inevitable in every employment situation I've ever had... I can't even think about putting on business attire, or fakey-faking that fake fake fakeness, or the JARGON, the b.s.... the whole thing... I'm stuck and stupid and worthless and my life has been an entire waste. I used to get hammered (alcohol - I'm not an alcoholic, could never be, because I hate the feeling of being "too drunk" and am petrified of puke/puking, lol)... to be able to open some items of mail - then sometimes that doesn't even work. I thought about doing that last night, but this time I need to look at stuff on my computer, not on my phone, and I like to be somewhere where I can be distracted by other things in-between doing the hard stuff. OR - completely, completely alone. So I thought today I might try to get blitzed enough on xanax today to be able to work through the hard stuff but idk if I have the ability or guts to do that. Plus I am trying to "hoard" the xanax I have left because there isn't a refill on it and the person who prescribed it was through my ex-employer's medical center so I can't go there anymore and it's hard to get anyone to write Rx's for it. And I'm not sure there's enough xanax in the world to keep me from feeling enough to allow me to do these things. I'm really at the edge of ... idk.... But if I don't, things will fall apart even worse. I don't even know what could possibly even help me. Because, like I said, it's not like the fears are groundless. The things I'm afraid of really have, can and do cause pain and problems that I am not able to deal with - not just metaphorically but also realistically. So I can't just "get over it." Every time throughout life I've made the slightest bit of progress toward being better about, say, opening mail... BOOM some new thing happened that brought more things to be afraid of and reinforce the terror. I can't successfully self-soothe - I don't have resources - and I *don't* know that I'm "going to be okay" because history has told me otherwise. There's nothing I can trust or feel safe about. It's pathetic and I hate myself for being that way but I also can't help it. I can't just "power through." It's wayyyyyyyy beyond that. It makes me want to escape everything entirely.