Not able to navigate life

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SongIsOver, Mar 7, 2014.

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  1. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I lost my job. My job was an extremely traumatic situation. I was being very badly psychologically bullied and discriminated against, including from the "authorities" of the HR department, for a long time. Gaslighted, condemned (inaccurately) but truths twisted and manipulated to make a "case" against not only my work but me as a person - my self-ness. They even went into inappropriate territory and tried to force me to internalize their (false and fabricated) bad opinions of me.... It was very head-messing, very messy, very bad...... very bad......

    But the stresses of being "out" is in many ways equivalent to the stress of being "in." There isn't enough money, not nearly enough. I have severe PTSD from past financially devastating situations. This has led to already-existing phobias about things like opening mail (can't deal with bills, the prospect of some unknown HUGE expense that I can't deal with but must or else dire consequences - which has happened)... and emails... which was exacerbated by my work situation in which emails were used to terrorize me...

    I can't handle any of the things I need to be handling right now....

    - I have a discrimination case with a government agency - still pending, but I have been too terrified to check my email account and see any communication from them because I'm terrified they'll drop my case... Absolutely terrified... So I can't look at my email account...

    - Which also means I can't check my email account because when they let me go they were going to be emailing me stuff... I'm not sure if the COBRA packet was handed to me, or if they were going to mail it, or email it...... I can't look at what I got that day, or my emails, or my mail. I can't...

    - But I NEED to continue the COBRA, not only for obvious reasons like medical coverage - and I'd recently been hospitalized with chest pain due to the stress from my job, I'm old enough so I can't be without coverage...and being without coverage freaks me out... But also because I have a medical eye condition for which I NEED to see my eye dr ASAP but I'm afraid to call him unless I know my coverage is continuing and I can't deal with any of the insurance anything...

    - I filed for unemployment but I'm too terrified to open a letter or log in online to see if they qualified my claim -

    ...And yet I'm going to HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS or else things will get even worse....... and I hate myself so much for not being able to do these things, and I hate the world so much for putting me into this situation yet again... this has been repeatedly traumatic, things happening over and over and I'm no longer able to deal... I hate the world, I hate these things and their necessity, I hate myself, I hate everything........

    I know I need help with these life things but I don't think there IS anything that would be the help I need. (I see a counselor but I don't think she "gets" the trauma or its severe effects, but I don't have it in me or the ability to find another and explain the whole story again and she's been along while the past couple of months of events have played out...)

    These kinds of things have gone on over and over all my life to the point where I'm over the edge about it. I can't even explain the feelings. It's overwhelming, painful fear, but in a very deep and overarching way. My chest hurts just from thinking about things. It's like trying to push magnets of the same polarity together, but also when the pushing - and just the *thought* of pushing them - causes intense fear, pain and despair. I just want to jump off a cliff to escape it all...

    And it's not *groundless* fear - because way more often than not these things have indeed wrought havoc, more pain, more distress... So it's not like being afraid of, say, tissue paper - because tissue paper won't really hurt you. It's not a phobia about something that's not harmful or real. It's terror about things that *have* and *do* hurt me, very very badly, and yet being expected to have to force yourself constantly back into experiencing those painful situations.

    I honestly don't know what anyone could do.

    - There's a voicemail on my phone, I did a reverse lookup and it came from my ex-employer - I don't know who, though - and I can't listen to it. I'm afraid of voicemails. And emails. My entire email account. And mail. And EVERYTHING.

    - Terrified about lack of funds, and
    - too terrified to be able to do anything to gain funds......

    - petrified and PTSD about the prospect of working for yet another employer, let alone trying to "fake" myself well enough to even pass muster, and can't bear the thought of being in the situation of having to prove my worth to be hired, to retain the job, to constantly being judged... exposing myself to more of the misjudgments and bullying that are inevitable in every employment situation I've ever had... I can't even think about putting on business attire, or fakey-faking that fake fake fakeness, or the JARGON, the b.s.... the whole thing...

    I'm stuck and stupid and worthless and my life has been an entire waste.

    I used to get hammered (alcohol - I'm not an alcoholic, could never be, because I hate the feeling of being "too drunk" and am petrified of puke/puking, lol)... to be able to open some items of mail - then sometimes that doesn't even work. I thought about doing that last night, but this time I need to look at stuff on my computer, not on my phone, and I like to be somewhere where I can be distracted by other things in-between doing the hard stuff. OR - completely, completely alone. So I thought today I might try to get blitzed enough on xanax today to be able to work through the hard stuff but idk if I have the ability or guts to do that. Plus I am trying to "hoard" the xanax I have left because there isn't a refill on it and the person who prescribed it was through my ex-employer's medical center so I can't go there anymore and it's hard to get anyone to write Rx's for it. And I'm not sure there's enough xanax in the world to keep me from feeling enough to allow me to do these things. I'm really at the edge of ... idk.... But if I don't, things will fall apart even worse.

    I don't even know what could possibly even help me. Because, like I said, it's not like the fears are groundless. The things I'm afraid of really have, can and do cause pain and problems that I am not able to deal with - not just metaphorically but also realistically. So I can't just "get over it." Every time throughout life I've made the slightest bit of progress toward being better about, say, opening mail... BOOM some new thing happened that brought more things to be afraid of and reinforce the terror. I can't successfully self-soothe - I don't have resources - and I *don't* know that I'm "going to be okay" because history has told me otherwise. There's nothing I can trust or feel safe about. It's pathetic and I hate myself for being that way but I also can't help it. I can't just "power through." It's wayyyyyyyy beyond that. It makes me want to escape everything entirely.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2014
  2. tuckandroll

    tuckandroll New Member

    Hey Song,

    I feel exactly as you do. The fear, the anxiety, the overwhelming feelings of my entire life being a House Of Cards. It is not a fun place to be. I know that, but I also know that you are strong, I am strong. We can navigate through these dark places, remaining curious as to what is on the other side of the pain. There will be a tomorrow, and a next day. They may not seem inviting and welcomed, but they are coming. Navigate through your demons, hold your head up and keep on trying.

    Believe it can and will get better. That helps me through the darkest days.
  3. I have a very similar situation to yours right now. And no you can't just think yourself out of it through "help" because such fears are grounded on actual threats that are all to real that can destroy our lives. It almost feels like your in a war and every catastrophic financial expense is like enemy forces have surrounded your last stronghold and you wait inside your bunker trying to piece together some kind of counter attack but you find yourself impossibly out numbered and losing ground. Worse yet there always seems to be some new major expense that just comes out of nowhere like those damned hospital bills. Ended up in ER for gall stones. I myself feel I only have 3 to 4 months left to financially hold out. If I fail to counter the threat 'm literally dead. I get exactly where you are coming from below is my situation, and that terror you described, yep got that to.

    1) Already lost over $10,000 in just two weeks, income went from $100,000 to $38,000 since divorce started.
    2) I also live in absolute terror, I can't even do what needs to be done, I have to start packing as she will likely force a sale on the home once her attorney gets involved.
    3) I will have to file the papers, major expense, pay the retainer for my own attorney, also very expensive, hope we can agree to settle quickly out of court or it gets insanely expensive
    4) My STBX is freaking crazy and could flip from jekyl and hide instantly throwing things yelling hence why I wanted out, what hope do I have that she will even agree to a fair settlement
    5) So all of my hope lies in my crazy STBX being reasonable, I fear she will take us both down the M.A.D. route, Mutually Assured Destruction.
    6) Where am I supposed to go, apartments have these new crazy credit checks what if they all deny me, then I'm worse off and have to pay all those application fees, I have no debt other than medical crap but still bad enough to vice me a bad credit score. Medical care is broken - all of it, who has money to pay $5,000+ in hospital bills no one unless your well off.
    7) What if I lose my job, Can't drive to new locations due to all the damned anxiety and resulting panic attacks. All of this keeps me up all the time, I also hoard xanax as I will run out of refills soon.

    If it means anything I feel your pain and your post describes such financial terror perfectly.
  4. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    It does mean something to have someone relate.

    Right now I am overmedicating on xanax in the hopes of being able to look at those damn emails for the COBRA & unemployment determination. I have been spacing them out too much so they're not hitting me as strong as I'd like (a little here, a little there)...... I just don't feel there's enough to really numb me enough to deal with this.

    I've been dealing with this kind of scenario in waves for 30 years.... just done.
  5. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    There is nobody who can help me the way I need. It feels hopeless and unbearable.
  6. Is there anywhere to go with your skill sets a new job or career? How do you even cope with the financial stress of no job, my situation is bad, really bad but to lose one's income entirely, that's brutal, I mean you gotta have food right. How long can you hold out? Your situation like mine is a financial crisis and I don't know of any way to counter this type of threat without real resources. This is why they are so damn terrifying leading to nothing but hopelessness and dread, able to push so many of us over the edge. Sooner or later though your going to have to look at those emails. Try to dig in, hold out as long as you can and try to get income from somewhere. Wish I could offer you some real help.

    I don't want to do anything myself but I know it has to be done and I'm running out of time so I forced myself to pack up one box today. Maybe take it little by little so as to not get overwhelmed. As for medical expenses (I hear COBRA is crappy anyway so what's the point) there is ever only so much money and as you know healthcare in America is broken so let em all go into collections where they can go F%$# themselves. If enough of us do this long enough they'll have no choice but to fix our broken healthcare system.

    I no longer care about maintaining a "credit score" Its all a monopoly run by the corrupt 3 anyway and almost everyone has errors on their credit reports. Besides, medical emergencies tend to happen about once every 5 years, costing thousands and your back to square one so why bother, I'm done fighting a broken system and refuse to play by their rules. There is no money so into my circular file you guys will go. I don't know if it will work in your situation but it may buy you valuable time while you plan your next move.

    Food is priority one, then utilities, then transportation, then the mortgage. If theirs any money left over after that then I might be able to pay for something else. (key emphasis on "might") If not they can all go to collections, what are they going to do squeeze blood from a turnip, harass by phone, lol just ignore them and never answer. :)

    I'm not trying to make light of the situation but when faced with such overwhelming numbers from all sides what else can you do other than say, F%$# it all, next...
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Destruction, you do what you have to do. One day at a time. Like you say, food is most important. Forget COBRA if you need to, go on Medicaid. That's what I did, but now have temp job that may disqualify me soon, but if I lose temp job, will be able to stay on Medicaid, but if temp job goes permanent, will lose Medicaid until work insurance kicks in. Just trying to let you know I understand. I have been laid off 4 times, never married, an now 62 years old. No one wants to hire a 62 year old. It is HARD. But you can survive it. COBRA is very expensive, but should give you the same coverage you had while working. Credit scores can be rebuilt. It takes time, but it can be done. Right now you are in survival mode. You do what you have to, to survive. Rebuild when you can. And life will get better.
  8. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I need the Cobra, at this moment it's cheaper than finding other insurance. I have a medical need that needs to be taken care of urgently. I'm too old to not have medical benefits (besides I guess there's a penalty if you don't), I have severe PTSD from past and repeatedfinancial issues/medical issues...collection calls, letters and bankruptcies (yes that's plural). It's not about the credit scores and at my point in life and everything that's happened to me from REPEATEDLY EXPERIENCING THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN - just when I start to get back up something else punches me back down and it's TOO MUCH to bear.

    I feel like there really is no point, no point, no point, no point, no point to anything. THere's never a chance to rebuild because my whole life - we're not talking months or years or even decades, but half a century has been like a big game of Whackamole. Whackamole breaks. Whackamole is busted. Broken. There is NO POINT. WHY pop up just so someone else can pummel me back down again??? I can't bear it anymore

    I canNOT play this game anymore. This stupid *(@*&^#$%#$*((*$*( game where you go get a job and do wtf-ever you need to do to keep it. The very thought of a job makes me want to stick a spear through myself. And that's not just hyperbole - I mean it actually gives me the urge to do that. I constantly already have urges to do other things. The pain is too great. I can't just magically materialize a way to financially survive within a few months time. Hold out? Idk how that's going to happen.

    This isn't a "new" feeling but it's exponentially worse......... Having SO many people just treat you like you are the scum of the earth, like you are a malevolent evil pustule that deserves only to be sliced off the face of the earth - over and over and over and over again.... there is nothing left, it's gone on too many time, too long, and there's nothing left of me. NOTHING.

    There's nothing.
    I have been in "survival mode" for most of my life. When does it end? When does it get to a point where anything even MATTERS. There's nothing
    It's clear that the world does NOT want me here, it never did and everything it does it just to show me how unfit I am and how I should not be here.
    AND *I* - do.not.matter. Only for the "sake of others," what I do for others, but not for myself.
    There's nothing.
  9. quote SongIsOver
    "collection calls, letters and bankruptcies (yes that's plural)."

    Don't let the collectors stress you out they are nothing and most of them are dishonest scum anyway. You have no job and no money which makes you judgement proof, collectors can't even touch you right now. Ignore thier empty threats, they are all paper tigers now.

    The other issues you have though are quite serious and do pose a critical threat like where to get money for food but with no income don't you qualify for medicaid or food stamps? Many of us myself included would never even want to go that route but you have no job and the fact is all the years you did have a job you paid for all this with your tax dollars anyway. Much as I can't stand food stamps or medicaid some people really do need the help and those that genuinely need it don't abuse the system.

    Surely there are people in your life that you should wait to end it all on. I myself feel hopeless and have lost to much but I go on because I have others that would be devastated if I didn't. I hope I survive my situation over the coming months because there is only so much you can take before you reach a breaking point. If you can find some reason to go on try. I like your comments on this forum and one in particular inspired me. You are an individual that gets it financially. So if you left you would already have an impact on us here, you have more to offer than you may know.
  10. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I'd qualify for ANYTHING right now because the unemployment has to be addressed first. There is not enough money in any "system" to sustain me.
    Look this is has happened to me repeatedly - over and over and over and over and OVER AND OVER and I'm beaten, I'm not able to psychologically or emotionally handle ANYTHING anymore. I don't WANT to. I'm sick of it all, not just "sick of it" like I don't want to but I can deal, but literally sick like it makes me run screaming or crave taking action to take me away from ALL of it.

    I think I get so frustrated because there are people who are like, they think they understand because they've had something happen once, but it's not the same as the traumatic events happening one after another after another for 50 years, everything building on the other, pounding you into worthless pieces of dirt because you just can't handle it - then of course *I* am the one who's "wrong" for not being "strong enough" or for "letting it get to me" when it's been just way more than anyone can or should be able to handle........ not just this job, not just the losing of it but the horrible ways they treated me beforehand that actually were unbearable, I swear it made me mentally ill....... and not just this job, but many jobs before it....... and not just jobs, but other things in life...... and I'm not cut out for it, I don't even want to "learn to deal with it" anymore - frankly I used to be able to deal with things but there have been too many traumas and too much crap and abuse and I can't deal and I don't even want to, and I don't see why I should always have to force myself to be dealing with things that are so hurtful and put me through more than I can bear, just for what? For WHAT. There's nothing. "Survival." You're supposed to just survive because you're supposed to survive. But the pain is not endurable for me.
  11. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I think I've dug myself into a life hole too deep and buried to get out.

    Everything I do is wrong and I can't find a way out.

    And despite every cliche in the book against it - the answer always is money, money, money, money, money -

    and I'm a total failure at everything, so badly and for so long - for so, so long - that I really don't know how to survive anymore.

    I really don't know if I can, or if I want to.

    The fear and pain are way too much.
    too much already.

    There's no.... good.
  12. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    If it can be of some comfort to you Song, your first paragraph has been of immense help to me, and describes my trauma perfectly, better than I ever could. I had things done where people tried to get me to internalise their bad opinions of me - and yet I couldn't see it for what it was. Having it put into words like this by someone else helps me to understand that, indeed, this sort of scenario is unfortunately a part of life which is so unfair and shouldn't be, but yet is.

    I am glad to see that the other posters have given great advice and can also see that you are a person of much worth and value in your ability to help and relate to others who are hurting. I do hope and pray that you are able to allow your heart to heal from all the people-abuse and that a plan can be devised for the financial and health issues. There is more available in life than just survival mode, although I know it's hard to see that when the chips are down. Thank you for blessing me with what you wrote up there, it has meant a great deal :)
  13. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind thoughts. I'm completely at my wit's end. I don't know how to fix this or what to do. I can't bring myself to do the things I need to do. The terror is overwhelming and I have no ability to lie to myself and tell myself it'll be okay when I know it's not. It's been too many bad things after bad things. I hate myself for not being able to, and yet even that is not strong enough to get me to do the things I need to do. There are too many. There's no safe place, nobody to help. The terror and pain is too real. I cannot deal.
  14. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Ok Song, here's just a thought, hopefully a transferrable one. Recently I came across a book compiled by the "OverEaters Anonymous" organisation, that had 365 different people contributions, (one each day) where they wrote out how their thinking had changed about their major enemy (food, in this case). they use a similar method to AA, and part of what they do is to admit their utter helplessness in the light of the pressures upon them, and put it out there to the universe, or Higher Power, some call this God..... and they find this helps.

    I was thinking that, in our various trials, let's start a thread maybe called "Over-Thinkers Anonymous", or whatever 'Over' ppl think is relevant to them, and see how it unfolds, see what might happen....... it's an idea which might work, what do you think?
  15. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    idk, I don't believe in that really :-\

    Also, I was so desperate in the months and so before this even happened that I tried that, and all that came was emptiness.
  16. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I am sorry to hear that Song - I know how that feels though, and the main problem is the lack of support, being able to find fellow travellers to be with you empathically. What you wrote earlier in the week has, actually, changed my hope levels & life, believe it or not - the success of the like-minded groups lies in the fact that no-one needs to go it alone. :) I know that reaching out and asking your/the Higher Power for solutions eventually does actually work, but in non-text-book fashion, (that's why schools can't teach it!)
  17. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I think my unemployment benefits were denied, and I don't have the mental/psychological ability to deal with the fight.... Even though I did nothing wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. I may have made a mistake when I entered my claim, but it will "look bad" if I did that... I should be eligible. Also employer is trying to get me to sign a severance agreement where I agree to quit my discrimination case and not to take any legal action against them. And in the agreement they will make it so that I'M "the bad guy" - ineligible for rehire, no references, which will be a very bad thing in job hunt. Obviously I can't sign it...

    It makes me feel like I just want to die. I can't deal with this crap anymore.....
  18. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well they obviously can't be expecting that you will actually sign something that will colour you in that light, and I'm sure you're not legally obligated to sign it. You say it will look bad if you did - what? (I didn't get that bit) - something to do with re-entering a claim?
  19. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I'm not legally obligated but they can fight my benefits and basically blackmail me into doing it.

    When I filed my claim, I might have given a "reason" for it that doesn't match the employer's and if they deny it because of that, it will look bad for me with the unemployment commission for me to try to just change the "reason." It looks like I lied or something. Either way it really "shouldn't" matter because I did NOT do anything to make me ineligible for benefits - but the employer has been playing dirty pool and I've had employers blackmail me with threatening to fight unemployment benefits unless I signed the waiver before.
  20. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I reckon the unemployment commission should be able to see through exactly what your employers are trying to do?
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