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Not afraid to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sadspirit, Dec 13, 2011.

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  1. Sadspirit

    Sadspirit Member

    Today is a new beginning. Bull****. Today is a continuation of the last 54 years of pain, lonliness, sadness.

    Two major accidents: broadsided at 50 mph in 1991, and hit by a car as a pedestrian in 1995. Severe head injury in the first one. Chronic pain. Not one doctor NOT ONE will give me pain medication and I DON'T KNOW WHY! I live in pain - physical and mental. Been to three pain management clinics. Still no help. I am the least likely person in the world to be an addict...I HATE taking medicine, I HATE having a "buzz", I HATE drug hangovers the next morning, I HATE being dependent on drugs. All I'm asking for is a low dose pain pill once a week or so, so that I can just once get a good night's sleep!

    I have no hope of having any kind of a life. I may move from one poverty apartment to another, maybe eventually be able to save enough for a new poverty car, once in a while buy a $5 t-shirt from WalMart. I will never have a bunch of friends to hang out with, a college degree that I'm not too scared to do something with, a career I love, a real man to share my life with (I can't even stand to be touched!). Every doctor's appointment is weird for me because I was molested by a doctor at 13. I lost all my belongings and my home when SSI kicked me off after 5 years of being on it because I made the unforgiveable mistake of being the trustee on my sister's estate account when she died. 2 1/2 years later they finally put me back on. Oh boy. I'm rich. $696 a month. Already lost my paid off home. Own absolutely nothing now. Find pleasure in absolutely nothing.

    Tomorrow is a new day. G**D*****! Don't tell me that! I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't know what to say hun as i to do not want to be here but i have to be i am sorry you are so low hugs
  3. JollyLass

    JollyLass Member

    I can't even imagine being at such a low point in life but it can only get better. All the mumbo jumbo you hear can actually be true. Maybe you won't live the comfortable life you once did but I'd rather travel with just a backpack than work non stop. Money truely isn't always happiness. I totally recommend exercise (it really helps me sleep better at night and makes me proud to accomplish something) and joining some type of club. Perhaps a book club. Strangers are often some of the best friends and a club would help you find someone that shares the same interests while also being cheap. If you ever need a vent, I'm here to listen.
  4. Sadspirit

    Sadspirit Member

    Jollylass I have waited 54 years for it to get better. It has only gone from bad to worse to intolerable. I'd rather work, but I've tried to go back to work three times and physically I can't handle it because of the injuries. I also cannot exercise, although I do a lot of pacing because of my anxiety which only makes my leg that much worse. I take no pleasure in anything, I have no desire to join a "club", I have no desire anymore to make conversation or be around people. Obviously you have never experienced true and lasting depression or suicidal feelings. It will not get better. It's all downhill from here...healthwise, money wise, in every way. Every day I just wait for the next problem cuz I know it's coming. If it has been this bad since conception, what on earth would make you say it can only get better? It never has. It never will.
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