Not Again...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by mpang123, Jun 30, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I'm scared now. Really scared. I'm tempted to do something and I looked it up if I would suffer from it or not. Obviously, it will do considerable damage. I thought that my spirituality that I was gaining from would help me come out of my suicidal thoughts. However, I'm thinking like this. I have a plan, but I have to buy it first. Last time when I had it, I had to throw the whole thing away and I thought that ended my cravings. Now, they're coming back and I'm struggling if I should get help since when you're suicidal, you don't want intervention so that you will follow through. I think if I tell someone, it would be a cop-out and I'm just seeking attention or a cry for help. I think if I really want to do it, I won't tell anyone. However, I'm contradicting myself because I'm posting this to tell you all what I'm thinking. I think if I had more life distractions that I would not have time to think about things like this. But because nothing is going on in my life, I'm conjuring this type of thinking. Just pray for me as I pray for myself that I will regain my strength to fight this demon that wants me to hurt or end my life in misery.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, mpang. I'm sorry you're in such a low place right now. I'm glad you posted and have not acted on your feelings. It's not a cop-out to ask for help when we feel this badly. Suicide is usually about not wanting any more pain - not about actually wanting to die. What is happening in your life? Is there a specific situation or event that makes you think of ending it? Often, when we're caught in a situation, we can't see solutions that we normally would. Maybe we can offer some ideas here.

    I do know that if you're in danger of harming yourself or attempting, it's best to call a crisis line or even go to the ER and talk to someone. I see that you're from Houston. Here is a crisis line number you can call: 713-HOTLINE 713-529-TEEN 713-526-8808 (Espanol).

    Hope you will talk to us and/or call the hotline. Be safe. :hug:
     
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Hello Acy, thanks for your reply. I am resigning my lease for my HUD apartment tomorrow for another year. It's just so coincidental that I would freak out at such an inappropriate time. I thank God for this place of residence and I'd hate to be kicked out of here for another serious suicide attempt. It is not worth it. Satan wants to claim my soul so I won't be in the hands of God and his glory. It's just that my suicidal urges are bothering me and I think of all the blessings in my life that I would be sabotaging if I follow through. Like I said, it isn't worth it. As you may know, I have a chronic mental illness that makes me more prone to depression and suicidal thoughts. However, I am battling this everyday and I thank God every morning when I get up as He grants me another day to live in His light. After crying a little bit and taking my anti-anxiety pill, I am calming down and hopefully get through this day without incident. I will process this with my case worker who is coming tomorrow to check on me as he does every week. Hopefully, I'm just having a severe mood swing and I will pull myself out of it soon. Thanks for your concern. It's great to receive feedback.
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Mpang, I'm glad to hear that the anti-anxiety meds helped. It's good that your case worker is coming in to see you tomorrow.

    Maybe not so much of a coincidence that you had a flurry of strong feelings. I find that when I'm well enough to see my blessings, I'm also well enough to feel some "rational" fears (concerns) about keeping them.

    Here's the great thing - you sat with your feelings, decided not to act on them, instead took your meds, and began to calm down. I think that is very positive, and you could be very pleased and proud of yourself! :hug:

    Post again and let us know how you're doing after your case worker's visit. I hope you have a good evening!
     
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