Not again


Well-Known Member
My body was good for nature. But a few years ago I stopped caring and started eating too much sweets, snacks...ans specially after midnight. Two years ago, when I started with my ex, I was like 16lb over my weight (I'm not sure if I'm doing the conversions right, like 7 or 8 kilos). He always loved my body, even if I told him that I wasn't in my normal shape, he insisted on how much he liked me.
After the break up I lost as much as 52lb (24 kilos). All for anxiety and all that, I never diet or exercised (I was too weak for that). So my doctor diagnosed me with anoreixia risk. She knows my story and knows that my lost of weight wasn't because I provoked it but the number was high. I've always had a weak health but funny thing: I've never been better. I told here once or twice: I want to die but my body doesn't. Even my chronical illnesses are not in their worst. So, about my health, there is no problem.
But people got worried. I have lost all that weight in 7 months. Now I have recovered a few, like 8lb (4 kg). Still under waaay my normal weight (before getting fat). But I don't want to gain more. I'm fine with this and my health is good. I don't really see the difference, I still see myself fat but my clothes don't lie (everything is too big and I'm not in the mood for shopping, when I used to love fashion, not only shopping, but fashion, runways, trends...).
But lately I have started to have unhealthy midnight snacks. Today I've been eating for an hour: doritos, olives, chocolate... And now I feel awful. I'm not going to "do" anything (purgue) but I don't want to get fat again. I'm not going to be on diet, I don't want to deny myself certain things but I don't want to loose control. Last year my anxiety made me loose weight (the only good thing that happened), now I'm afraid that I start to binge - eat in the rare periods of the night when I'm not crying on the floor and with nausea. I just want to stay calm and eat like a normal person (well, like the picky eater I am, but that's another story)
Feel you. I don't know what to do about the anxiety part so I will just send some love for that but for the eating disorder thing, I can say this, you can do it. You can be healthy again like you were from the start, before the poison part of culture slaughtered our nature. As you said, your body was good for nature. (and it still is, you cant make nature dislike you, only you can do it <3 and same way you can start to love yourself again... and maybe it will heal the anxiety as well.)

No one wants to gain weight, it feels uncomfortable and it is simply unhealthy so we naturally feel that something needs to change; we want to grow, to be better and happier. But remember that there is nothing wrong with you. Whether you are labeled as "too thin" or "too chubby" those are states of a disbalance caused by the feeling guilty before societies expectations, side effects of extreme dieting, distorted beliefs. (you do not have to feel guilty before anyone, especieally a liar)

The point is, we can change out beliefs. They are based up on the information we hold within... so i encourage you to seek more of it. Learn on this.
I hope you will feel better soon. You are a beautiful infinite being, spiritually and physically. Don't let this shit society bring you down!

I don't know if this is for you, but these helped me, so i encourage you to watch these when you got some time (especially the first one)


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