I'm suicidal again. I went out last night, the night started out well. Okay even then I bumped into two old friends who I REALLY did not want to see. I was with Simon (the guy I am sleeping with), I asked him to pretend to be my boyfriend, which he did. But that just made things worse because I felt so pathetic afterwards. I then got really drunk and we slept together, which was awful. There was a part during it while I actually thought I was going to cry. Now those stupid girls are going to call me and now Simon thinks I am a complete retard if he looked at me and saw me welling up. Work is going horribly again, I can't deal with it and I just want to quit. I want to run away. Everything is falling to pieces again and I am not coping. Everything is just going back to how it once was, me being a drunken lying ***** with shitty or no friends who lives a pathetic existence. It's too hard, all of this is too hard. I don't know what to do, how to change things or how to get out. God I fucking hate this.