Not again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by craigj, Jan 24, 2010.

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  1. craigj

    craigj Member

    I came to this forum quite a long time ago, feeling lonely, depressed, scared and suicidal, but over time things got better.. I motivated myself to live life as best I could and the depression lifted and the suicidal thoughts went away.

    Here I am again, lonely, depressed, scared and suicidal but this time it feels different; It feels like I haven't got the motivation or energy to carry on .. I cry all the time and look back towards people, places or situations that were good in my life but which have now gone. I grieve every day for losing people in my life, someone believing that I could have prevented their loss, and wondering every single day when I wake, where are they and why won't I see them that day.

    I find myself going back to certain places that hold memories for me, and getting very very upset... so upset that the suicidal thoughts just get stronger and stronger every day. I am fighting them! I am though, scared that this time around I will just give up. The long tunnel that I found some light in ages ago has gone black again and this time I cannot find the light switch... I cannot see even a glimmer of light in the distance.

    Am blaming myself for everything. I really do hate myself at the moment and these feeling and the thought that I may just throw in the towel, is scaring me. I hate not wanting to wake up each day. I hate crying at any time of the day or night. I hate remembering that things did get better, and now everything is just terrible again.

    Since last coming on here, I became a christian and that helped me a lot. Now, because of how I feel, I can't even bring myself to walk into my church. I just feel so low and I wish that I could put out my hand and someone will help me but, I don't know where to go or who to see. I'm just so down, so negative, so depressed and so frightened that this time I just can't take it anymore.

    I feel that I need to tell every single person who has ever been in my life, that I am sorry... sorry for being who I am because who I am I do not like at all. I have lost soi many people in my life that I shouldn't have, and I need them to know I'm sorry. I need to go and its scaring me

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    first, if you became a christian. i suggest that you stand strong and talk to somebody in your congratation. even though you may feel shame inside, your church can offer you help. its no shame to seek help. countless ppl constantly hold themselves responsible for everything that went wrong in their life or someone close to them.
    its time to quit placing the blame on you.

    if you follow the WORD, you also know that God is forgiving ... the old saying which is very true .. if God can forgive you .... why cant you forgive yourself ?

    you see, everything that you have asked forgivness for has been granted ... by God.
    yiou are holding yourself hostage. i still have my moments, they dont last as long as they used to but i still have them. keep going to church, seek out the help I CAN SEE THAT YOU WANT.

    you deserve to be free from the bonds that YOU hold on YOURSELF.
    you cant hold yourself responsible for those that have passe on.
    the memories from the past can be hurtful. its up to you to decide whether or not your going to continue to allow them to run your life.

    you have to release yourself from that pain YOU carry. stick with your church, you got a good source of help there ... just step into the door and look around.

    best wishes.
  3. craigj

    craigj Member

    Thank you for your reply ODIECOM! Thank you! You're right of course. I know you're right, but I just can't kick myself out of the way I'm feeling. I don't want to feel like this. Nobody who has ever felt this way really wants to feel like this but I'm just so scared that this time I just don't have the energy to fight back. I've never been one to cope very well with setbacks and always put on a brave face, so that others think I'm ok, but I can't even do that this time. So many people who know me, plus complete strangers, have seen me break down so often lately.

    I feel so unworthy of the faith that I discovered which helped me, and am scared to approach the church. God does forgive and again you're right - its me that isn't forgiving me. It feels like a comple cop out and that anything and everything I've ever done bad or wrong in my life, I deserve to suffer for. As I wrote that even I can see how totally irrational and bad that way of thinking is, but I just can't get away from it; I spend time planning my exit from this world, then try and hang on that bit longer until those thoughts pass, but its becoming harder and harder to get through each day like that.

    Someone very close to me walked out of my life just a month or so ago, telling me that they couldn't listen to me like this or see me ever again. That particular person was the only person I felt that I could trust in my life to tell anything to, and I drove them away.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    well, in response to the last part of your post ... its true that ppl dont like listiening to depressing thoughts or seeing certain actions from their friends.

    i have been there.
    heres something for you to chew on .... you can be pitiful or powerful .. you cant be both.
    pity for some is a way to comfort OURSELVES when we are hurting.
    pity keeps a strong hold on us that keeps us from raising the bar on our life, or steppin out of the boat to explore new things.

    we waste so many years feeling sorry for ourselves that it becomes natural to us. pity is a way of drawing attention to ourself.
    you can never deserve Gods blessings or be worthy of them ... the bible says ...... you can only humbly accept and apperciate them.

    i have found that self hatred, the anger that we entrap ourself with, denies OURSELF from Gods blessings. we refuse to accept Gods forgiveness by NOT FORGIVING YOURSELF.

    you must renew your thoughts about yourself. when we have such a strong control over ourself ... as you do and many others.... its hard to understand that in order for us to change, we have to change the way we think FIRST.

    i strongly suggest that you continue to go to church and seek out help from someone there. Also, i strongly suggest that you read your bible. you will find many things that will help you along the way.

    you have to BELIEVE that you can set yourself free from that which holds you back. your future is not determind by your past or even the present.

    if you followed the christian believe you know that anything is possible with God.

    you need to change the way you think ... no one can do it for you. its not easy and you cant do it in a day or even a week. its gunna take time. you have to take baby steps before you can walk.

    the last thing i strongly suggest .. by the book by joyce meyers.. THE BATTLE FIELD OF THE MIND.

    it will be the best 15 bucls you ever spent. just do it ... trust me.

    you have avenues to travel to obtain that which you seek. theres only you holding YOU back. start small and rebuild.
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