Not alot of hope

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Alan1, Sep 25, 2014.

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  1. Alan1

    Alan1 New Member

    I have been married for 16 years and have had a couple of bad years. Not with my wife but with loss. We have lost two children during pregnancy. One at 17 weeks. The other at 25 he was born and died after 30 minutes. I have tried to cope but feel dead inside but would not tell my wife. I was always trying to be strong for her. She has found her way into church and I am trying but it is not working. About 3 months ago I did something i am so ashamed of. I now don't know if I can go on. I can't tell her because it will destroy her and we also have soon to be teenage daughter. If let them know I will be divorced and hated and I can't bear that. I would rather end it and make it look like an accident so she can get the insurance money. I am on xanex trying to cope and I have been to the hospital thought I was having a heart attack. It was a panic attack. I wish for death everyday. I would rather be dead than see heat and resentment in their eyes. What can I do to tell them I am at my breaking point. My wife knows something is wrong and is so supportive. I feel so fake and awful for letting her try and help. I need help but can't ask for it. May be it would be better if I just did it. Sorry for the rambling I am just so scared. Thanks for any advice.
  2. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF

    I'm truly sorry for you losses.

    I wish I could give you advice, but, I really don't have anything smart to say.

    So, I'll just welcome you, and I hope you are able to find support here. We are a nonjudgmental forum of kind well-meaning people. We don't always get it right, but we do try to be supportive.

    I only found your posting searching for Xanax.

    Please just be careful, and safe

    I hope somebody else will have something helpful to say.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    First of all, hi, and welcome to the site.

    I realize you may not be comfortable telling anyone what it was you did. And without knowing the details myself, it's hard to say whether it's something that should or shouldn't be told. What I do know is that you have a daughter who needs you, and if you were to end your life, her pain would never end, it would never lessen.

    I hope you continue to reach out for support here; if you need to talk, my PM box is always open.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are not alone in your crisis. Panic Attacks are nasty. No one will judge you here. Please do not feel ashamed. You are among the most understanding people. Open up to us by telling what causing you the ache and panic. Trust me you will open up and relief the anxiety you are feeling. Keep posting here for support which you TRULY DESERVE .
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