I have been married for 16 years and have had a couple of bad years. Not with my wife but with loss. We have lost two children during pregnancy. One at 17 weeks. The other at 25 he was born and died after 30 minutes. I have tried to cope but feel dead inside but would not tell my wife. I was always trying to be strong for her. She has found her way into church and I am trying but it is not working. About 3 months ago I did something i am so ashamed of. I now don't know if I can go on. I can't tell her because it will destroy her and we also have soon to be teenage daughter. If let them know I will be divorced and hated and I can't bear that. I would rather end it and make it look like an accident so she can get the insurance money. I am on xanex trying to cope and I have been to the hospital thought I was having a heart attack. It was a panic attack. I wish for death everyday. I would rather be dead than see heat and resentment in their eyes. What can I do to tell them I am at my breaking point. My wife knows something is wrong and is so supportive. I feel so fake and awful for letting her try and help. I need help but can't ask for it. May be it would be better if I just did it. Sorry for the rambling I am just so scared. Thanks for any advice.