Hi guys, I have not posted on here in maybe over a year. Things are going really bad again and needed some support from people who understand and it helps me to write things down so bear with me while I moan and feel sorry for myself. Where do I start.... So in September me and my bf were driving back from a festival and from no where he turned round to me and said he wanted to break up. Only 2 weeks before we were talking of getting married and having kids. We had been together 8 years. He owned the house and we agreed that I could stay there until I got myself sorted. So then he moved in to spare room and was like that for about 4 weeks. Things sort of returned to normal but we were still broken up. Middle of September I DSH'd for the 1st time in quite a long time. Had to have internal stitches in leg and was sent off on my way home. So things were back to normal sort of and we agreed that we would break up but I would stay there until I go travelling in April. So things ticking over quite niceley between us until about a month a go when I started getting the depression again from no where. He realised it before I did as I was getting angry for no reason and horrible mood swings. So go back to a month a go I was in a mood for no reason and I was walking past him and he started shouting at me and then elbowed me really hard in the chest. So I went for him trying to hit him but came to my senses and walked off. As I was walking off he ran up behind me and punched me in shoulder. And then about a week after that he threw something at me while I was walking up stairs after he was having a go at me for not answering my phone as he expected me to drop everything and go pick him up! So things were getting worse and worse between us and then settled down again. 3 weeks ago he went out and was being quite cagey and taking his phone every where with him. It was not like him and everyone contacts me to get through to him. So knew something was not right. When he left it I had a look at his phone and there was messages on there from this girl. I asked him who she was and he said we have broken up and he will do what he wants. He was the one who was needy with me when I wasn't there. I said well fair enough we have broken up bt don't you think while we are still living together you could show me some decency and not be actively looking for other people. So he goes off on one saying he hates me and wants me to move out. He had the cheek to ask me for a lift that night before I knew where he was going so he could go meet her and lied to me saying he was going to play pool. So I told him I knew and he said he was still going to go. He didn't come home that night and I didn't see him until 3 days later. I didn't want to be around him and that night he comes in asking if he could borrow my phone so that he could go stay at his mums. He calls his mum asking her to come pick him up. I am lying in bed and all of a sudden they both come storming in to the room with boxes saying get your stuff you are moving out tonight. He wouldn't even talk to me on my own and he said he didn't want to be on his own with me as he was scared what I would do to him! Making me look like a right psychotic fool. So anyway I moved out and was really angry at him. I went round a couple of days later to get a few bits and he had locks changed and everything. Anyway so I have jst come out of a 8.5 year relationship. To be expected I would feel like crap. But I am so scared. I went to the Dr and broke down and managed to get some diazepam which did help. I was having really weird paranoid thoughts and everything was going at 200mph through my head. I was freaking out and was really strggling to keep it together at work. I work on the psychiatric wards in the area I live in and I was having these paranoid thoughts that I was a patient really and not staff, that the Dr's knew and were monitoring me. I never said anything and managed to hold it together. The diazepam helped quite a lot and took away thoughts of DSH. But... Sunday night, I ended up in hospital nearly anesiatised and transfered to ICU. I can't remember much but my friend went home really drunk and I carried on drinking in the bar. I vaugely remember leaving the bar and walking through town. I go down an alley and see a cord. I wrap it round my neck. Next thing I know I am in recus in hospital pinned down by staff on collar and board. Lots of tubes coming out of me and half naked as they cut my clothes off. I knew I hadn't tried to hang myself just ligate and I couldn't voice that to them and told them I had not done anything. So I pulled everything out and sat up and got told off for refusing spinal care. I knew there was nothing wrong with me but I didn't want to admit that I had done anything as was worried about ramifications. I was told I had come in GCS of 3, sats 70%, blood alcohol level of 300mls, blued in by ambulance. Basically if hadn't have been in hospital I would have died. I was told the anestisiologist was there just before i CAME round and drawn up the drugs to knock me out and ready to be interbated. I said I wanted to leave but they kept threatening me with getting police in and having me arrested under 136. I knew I didn't want that to happen as I have worked with the psych nurses who deal with 136 at the hospital and have worked on wards and it would be known. I tried doing a rnner but had security guard following me everywhere. I have never ligated in my life. Not my style. Was made to stay in and even tried doing a rnner from nurse who was taking me up to ward but he said if I did police would be called I would be put out as missing person and be made to come back in and employers would be informed and would not be able to carry on working. So I had no choice but to stay. I was made to see someone from the psychology department next day and I basically just told her that I couldn't remember anything, that I was feeling low, that wasn't suicidal but the thought of dying didn't bother me and was not scared of it. Now though, I think I am feeling suicidal again. All I can think about is how easy it was to nearly die through alcohol and ligation and really thinking about doing it again. Not made any plans or anything as working out when I could get away from people to be able to do so. Yeah the relationship break up has had a lot to do with it but the depression was coming on before it all kicked off big time. I am really really strggling to cope at the moment. Getting through the day with out breaking down in front of other people is so draining. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel. I have brought my friends down with it before and am not having them worry over me. Same with the family. I go away in 4 weeks, I keep thinking I will have an accident while I am away. I don't want anyone to know that I have killed myself. Especially if it didn't work I would always be known for trying. I think it would cause so much more hurt for them to know I did it myself. I don't want to try something and it not work and end up in a worse way. I know all I keep thinkabout now is ligating again and drinking myself in to oblivon. While I was in hospital they tried calling my family to let them know I was there but luckily they didn't answer. I am not on meds at the moment. I was on mirtazapine which did work but the side effects for me were awful. Initially I was so suicidal and was going through a stage of taking massive od's each week. Eventually that stopped and felt better but I don't know if I want to get better or just leave everything. Maybe that is why I have a reluctance to go back on them. I don't want to be relying on pills for the rest of my life. I have asked to be refered to counselling service through my GP bt that will obviously take time. I have a lot planned for future, well I did. I don't want to be refered to psych services as I know people who work within it and I wouldn't be able to work in it again if I was admitted. So I did what I always do when speaking to DR is play it down. The DSH pattern has changed, I haven't cut since September but I have burnt a couple of times and also stopped eating for a week as it was something I could control. I need to do something. I need help but I am not going to make people aware of what is going on. So it is easier for me to deal with it on my own and either do or die! I keep having dreams that I am admitted to psych ward. I should know better working in psych services myself that the treatment is good, patients are cared for but there is still a massive stigma attached to mental health and I don't want it attached to me!