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Not been here for a couple of years.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by soapymongoose, Aug 30, 2011.

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  1. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    I don't know where this current path leading, or exactly what caused the apparent regression. I want to move on, I want to accept help and support. At the same time I know neither thing will help, no-one can sort out my shit except me. When things are like this it seems so difficult, the path that leads us to the edge of reason is a personal journey. A lot of the time it is unexplainable to anybody so how can it be put across in such a way that will garner a helpful response?

    So it gets dealt with by ignoring the obvious and trying to carry on. I've reached the point where the elephant in the room has become rebellious. It wants recognition, yet I can't remember the fucker moving in. I never invited it, didn't want it. I don't feel I deserve its presence after trying so hard for so long to get an answer as to why it is there.

    I can't give up, I can't move on, yet I feel if I stagnate for much longer it will throw me kicking and screaming over the edge and I don't know if I have the strength to drag myself up again. Too many times in the past have I re-built from scratch. I'm scared. I'm mostly becoming delirious. Days go by like minutes, weeks feel like hours. Company is neither wanted nor needed, yet at the same time appreciated when it is there. Why? Because I feel I don't deserve people, and am grateful for any human contact I get?

    I do not like my head at the minute. I hate how it is draining me physically, like a debilitating virus.

    I don't want to be "saved". Those days are long gone, I just crave understanding and would quite like the ability to live my life again.
  2. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hello I don't really know your story,I'm new here but Im interested to know how long you've had your issues,I sometimes think our brains are over evolved,too complex and too much can go wrong. It's tiring eh :-(
  3. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    Over 20 years now, ever since I realised how ultimately wrong my childhood was :grr:

    I've developed sleep disorders, an eating disorder, drink and drug issues and too many fucked up relationships to count, relationships romantically as well as personal ones with family members. Each one taking a bit more out of me, and leaving behind the sense that I wasn't meant for this. Something foreign has gotten in the way of nature, hence the elephant analogy.

    I had a failed attempt at the age of 13, and technically died on the operating table due to having major illness problems growing up so I feel I'm meant to live.

    But what for I don't know. I don't really understand anything better than I did all those years ago despite years of being in and out of therapy and talking, talking, talking. Even medication seemed to compound the issues even further. Just kind of grown to adapt to failing and hoping, failing and hoping etc..

    I'm getting sick of it because I now live in fear of regression, even when I am "at my best", which usually isn't good enough to form stability in my life for any longer than a few months at best.

    Thanks for reading/responding :)
  4. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Youve been on quite a journey and I can totally relate to the way your life has panned out.I used to try and do it with lighter gas in my teens and it ain't normal but home life was miserable.I've felt different my while life and it is exhausting trying to hold it together.So you feeling like your about to crash again?
  5. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    I feel that I'm approaching the edge of a precipice, I want to turn around and run but it feels like momentum could tip me over. As though some sort of inertia has took place, an action has caused a reaction but I don't understand the action or when/how it happened. I'm just dealing with the reaction and not knowing how long it will go on for, or how far down this path it will take me before it runs its natural course.

    If that makes sense.
  6. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Yeah it does,is it something you've felt before? Also you've not been here for a couple of years,does that mean you've had a good couple of years?
  7. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    Yeah it's happened before, that's what scares me a bit. A few years ago I ended up in hospital due to my eating disorder and drink and drug binges. I just stopped caring but knew I didn't have the balls to do it in one sitting like I did all that time ago, with age has come fear. So I starved myself and upped my drug use. As much as I may have gotten better eating-wise, it's never truly left me and over the last few weeks my diet has withered to nearly nothing again. My sleep issues are nearly indescribable. I stopped drinking a few weeks ago as I'd drink for days on end, but I've just replaced it with other things.

    For the past 2 or so years I've been in such a complicated and destructive, on again/off again relationship which has taken up so much of my time, effort and headspace that I really don't feel like I know who I am anymore, compounded by a life time of trying to "find myself". I can't settle due to a life time of constant re-shuffling. Moving from house to house, school to school, pointless job to pointless job etc..

    Now I'm unemployed, have been for about 6 months and I don't feel I could hold a job down even if I got offered one, but I still try to fulfill my "duties" as a job seeker. It really is just "going through the motions" though.

    I want to feel like I can snap out of it, but at the same time I want it to consume again like it has in the past. Not caring right now seems like such a good state to be in. I just haven't quite reached that point yet. As though I'm in limbo and any choice I make here will govern my life for a long time from here on in.

    I've ended the relationship, again. I feel it could be for good this time, I hope it is but I have no faith in myself anymore to stick to anything.
  8. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    ..and as much as I've had a drink problem since the age of 12/13. The last time I actively stopped drinking it was due to wanting to shed all my "excess weight" of which there isn't really that much so it worries me that I've stopped again.
  9. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    It's so confusing isn't it,I've kinda given up and feel happy with my decision but you shouldn't feel that way should ya.I'm unemployed and really don't want the dead end jobs that lie ahead of me should I choose to look for work.Do you feel suicidal and has the relationship ending been the trigger for what's going on with you now?
  10. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    It is very confusing yeah. The relationship could well have been the trigger. I've spent so long feeling responsible for the way she feels that I may have lost grip on myself. Which is easily done for me :mhmm:
  11. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    So maybe it's time to focus on your needs which ain't gonna happen if you get back into the relationship. Till you get some proper rest your gonna feel ten times worse too. I'm gonna have to go now it's good that your talking about this stuff. Catch you laters
  12. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

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