I don't know where this current path leading, or exactly what caused the apparent regression. I want to move on, I want to accept help and support. At the same time I know neither thing will help, no-one can sort out my shit except me. When things are like this it seems so difficult, the path that leads us to the edge of reason is a personal journey. A lot of the time it is unexplainable to anybody so how can it be put across in such a way that will garner a helpful response? So it gets dealt with by ignoring the obvious and trying to carry on. I've reached the point where the elephant in the room has become rebellious. It wants recognition, yet I can't remember the fucker moving in. I never invited it, didn't want it. I don't feel I deserve its presence after trying so hard for so long to get an answer as to why it is there. I can't give up, I can't move on, yet I feel if I stagnate for much longer it will throw me kicking and screaming over the edge and I don't know if I have the strength to drag myself up again. Too many times in the past have I re-built from scratch. I'm scared. I'm mostly becoming delirious. Days go by like minutes, weeks feel like hours. Company is neither wanted nor needed, yet at the same time appreciated when it is there. Why? Because I feel I don't deserve people, and am grateful for any human contact I get? I do not like my head at the minute. I hate how it is draining me physically, like a debilitating virus. I don't want to be "saved". Those days are long gone, I just crave understanding and would quite like the ability to live my life again.