Not brave enough :(

Im not brave enough to continue living and I am not brave enough to just end it. I want to be dead so badly, it is all I think about anymore. I have tried in the past, when my eating disorder became severe, to OD on <edit methods> (my choice way to die) and I was unsuccessful each time. So not only am I a coward but, I am useless and stupid, I cant even do this right. It all started when my rats died, they were the only friends I ever had. That was a year ago this month, but I have suffered since before. I became so lonely once they died, to kill the pain I began drinking...ALOT. Which just made me more depressed, it only made me feel uglier and more unloved. Ive been contemplating suicide very seriously for a good month or so now, I am passed contemplating, I am planning and I just hope something saves me, that something proves to me that my life is worth living and that my family would not be happier and have more money if I were dead. Last night I lost everything I had left. My best friend, my dignity, hope, and any shred of happiness I had left. I did something gross, they say atleast. I dont remember. Its so horrible though I cant stop showering and trying to get myself clean, I feel filthy and disgusting. This friend, the last one I had left, was hurt very badly by my actions and now I dont even have him to turn to. This forum is the last place I can pour my heart out. I wouldnt want to worry anyone close to me. Thanks for hearing me out.

 

glad you could express yourself - something that i can have a problem with

i'm not always good at offering advice, but i know how to listen

been where you are, tried and failed a couple of times, for a long time

today is actually the first time in years i can honestly say i'm not feeling crappy or suicidal but i did get here - things changed enough for now and i will take the little victories

t hurts to feel all alone, i know, and it sucks to think you've lost a friend. not going to ask what happened, but maybe if you say you're sorry and be a little patient that can change too. do they know what you're going through right now? just something to think about.

try to keep talking. i'm not always on, but as long as you want to talk i will find a way to get back to you. pm me if you like. and if i'm not here, i know others will be

 

Your braver then you thin, and when you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up... yeah that sounded terrible, sounded much better in my head..

But still, your friends probably still care about you. Just because something happened doesnt mean you cant make amends. Believe in the hope that there is still left in this world... Hold onto the small things, its the big things that will screw you over. Live for the small moments, like eating a snowcone on the beach on a towel.. Reading a good book... Try to see Anything that can help you hold on it will do wonders for you.

Hold on... And take care.

 

that's really sad about your pet rats. I use to have pet rats too so I know what it's like to lose them they can be great pets and you can get attached to them. I feel for you.

you want to say a little bit more about whats happened?