Im not brave enough to continue living and I am not brave enough to just end it. I want to be dead so badly, it is all I think about anymore. I have tried in the past, when my eating disorder became severe, to OD on <edit methods> (my choice way to die) and I was unsuccessful each time. So not only am I a coward but, I am useless and stupid, I cant even do this right. It all started when my rats died, they were the only friends I ever had. That was a year ago this month, but I have suffered since before. I became so lonely once they died, to kill the pain I began drinking...ALOT. Which just made me more depressed, it only made me feel uglier and more unloved. Ive been contemplating suicide very seriously for a good month or so now, I am passed contemplating, I am planning and I just hope something saves me, that something proves to me that my life is worth living and that my family would not be happier and have more money if I were dead. Last night I lost everything I had left. My best friend, my dignity, hope, and any shred of happiness I had left. I did something gross, they say atleast. I dont remember. Its so horrible though I cant stop showering and trying to get myself clean, I feel filthy and disgusting. This friend, the last one I had left, was hurt very badly by my actions and now I dont even have him to turn to. This forum is the last place I can pour my heart out. I wouldnt want to worry anyone close to me. Thanks for hearing me out.