Not certain where to start...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by TracyL, Mar 2, 2009.

  1. TracyL

    TracyL New Member

    December 16th was the day my boyfriend's sister hung herself.
    I can't exactly decide where the above statement falls in the story, but it is the point of me being here.
    Julie was a vibrate, beautiful, amazing person. She was someone you couldn't help but be touched by. Someone I admired in alot ways. Someone I spend alot of time with. I recall my memories with her with feelings of joy and warmth and then complete terror.
    She wasn't outwardly depressed or come from a distressed childhood. She was gorgeous in so many ways, had loving parents who would give her the world and yet she gave it all up, everything in which she knew and was comfortable for the completely unknown.
    We know now of a double life she was living, of lies, and facade. We know she was someone too proud to ask for help, someone interetested in appearances more then the well being of herself and loved ones.
    It frightens me to think I didn't see it at all till the end, didn't see something wrong until that day, and that was when I reached out to her if she needed to talk, to escape, (since I knew something was causeing friction in the household) she told me she can't and she loved me - and then an hour and a half later I got the call from my boyfriend, he had found her dead in the basement of his parents house. She chose not to talk to me as an escape but to end her life.
    I can't tell you how I feel, mostly because there aren't words.
    She asked me on Thanksgiving if when she got married I would be the maid of honor in her wedding, I was shocked that she would grant me such an honor, and I was pleased to say that I would hope she would grant me the same if I were to marry her brother. We had plans for things, to do things, to become things, to be sisters someday...and there seems like there will forever be moments in mine and my boyfriends lives that will be incomplete without her.
    I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt she did not know how unconditionally she was loved. Anything she could have told me of her life would have been forgotten by now, and efforts for a resolution would have come about...but she gone, and I can't solve my problem, the emptiness that doesn't ever seem to fade but get deeper, every solution ends in the same...her choosing to be gone forever.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 2, 2009
  2. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    Tracy

    I don't have alot of words for you, but i do know how it feels to lose someone to suicide. you are right there are no words to describe it , other than a voided place in your mind and heart. If you ever need to talk , please don't hesitate to contact me , by pm . or anyone here you feel comfortable with. I hope in coming here you can ease your pain even just a little.

    hugs
    Karren
     
  3. Bubble

    Bubble Well-Known Member

    Tracy.

    I know exactly how it is to lose somebody, I lost my fiancee a year ago to suicide and i didnt even know he was slightly depressed. Sometimes the ones we love are the ones who are best at hiding their pain and then you are left without words, without understanding just wondering.

    Im sure she is looking down on you, watching over you and making sure you and her brother are okay :)
    Remember the good times you spent with her and cherish those forever.
     
  4. raindrop

    raindrop Well-Known Member

    My sister died the same way. No one knew she was hiding her pain. I feel you pain. I am very sorry for your loss.
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    My sympathies to you and your boyfriends family. The loss of a loved one in this way is beyond explaination. There are so many questions and self doubts left behind. I wish she would have been able to reach out to you and her family as I am sure she would have found the support she needed to go on. Celebrate the life she lived and the good times you shared leaving you with wonderful memories. :hug: