Not coping, feel like I'm going crazy

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by BluePhoenix, Aug 19, 2016.

  1. BluePhoenix

    BluePhoenix Member

    Hello, I'm new here, but new to feeling like this. My story is a crazy long one....since I was 16, when I tried to commit suicide, I self harmed and I was anorexic. I got through this with counselling and went to uni, then messed things up after making awful decision to move 400 miles away. Then my mum and dad split up and It all went wrong, I cheated on my boyfriend, fell out with people at my work and had to move home because I dropped out of uni.
    So I came home to a house my sister now ruled as my dad was with his new girlfriend closer to where he worked and my mum had a new flat. I got a job with my sister and then met this man, fell pregnant and disgraced my father even more by deciding to keep the baby. Needless to say this man left me when i was 10 weeks pregnant and I never heard from him again.

    My daughter was the best thing to ever happen to me and she got me out of an awful hole. I then met my next partner when she was 18 months old and he took her on. After 4.5 years of a turbulent relationship, the guilt of feeling like my daughter was a 'burden' to him was too much despite having my son with him (who was another happy accident but not wanted by my partner)
    We were engaged but I eventually left because I couldn't cope with the emotional abuse and how he treated my daughter.

    9 months later I met my now husband of 2.5 years. I have a 19 month old daughter with him plus his son from another relationship (4 children between us) things have been amazing and then not so amazing. Last year we split up for 5 months because he became aggressive towards me, was drinking everyday and would not control his temper around the children. All of this I confided to my family, we reunited last October because we love one another and want to make our marriage work as a family with our four children. He does not drink at home anymore and is learning to talk to me instead of bottling up his emotions.

    A few months ago I asked him to stay with his mum and dad for a while because he threw a glass candle holder in our bedroom next to me and my 8 year old daughter heard the arguing and was so upset I had to inform school and my health visitor who knows everything.

    This happened because I had an affair with my best female friend also last year who later turned out to have her own agenda with a personality disorder. She then blackmailed me and harassed me for months threatening to tell everyone on social media. She even had things sent to the house to upset my husband as he wanted to forgive me and move on and work at our marriage.

    I am also at the end of my nursing degree with my final placement starting next week....I have fallen out with most of my family because I asked for my husbands parents to come to my 30th birthday meal and my mum freaked out saying I was selfish and wasn't considering anyone else's feelings only my own. My sister also didn't care that she put me in a horrible position of telling my husband and his parents why they couldn't come, saying that it was our fault for things to be this way.

    That's the brief story so I am feeling totally rock bottom. All I can think of is how worthless I am for all these mistakes which are my own doing. Opening my mouth, the affairs, the lies, marrying too quickly.....

    I have chest pains and I struggle to cope with my children some days and feel I've failed as a mother and that everyone looks at me as some weirdo who can't hold a relationship together or stay with one man. I have lost friends and now family and my husband and I still argue. I feel he has been abusive in the past and although he says he is sorry and wants to change that maybe he can't?

    I worry about the impact of this on my children and that I'm harming them for putting them in this situation, away from their father, living here with me and my mistakes. The pain is unbearable some days and I just wish to have a break from my own life! I wish I didn't exist! I would never attempt suicide as I would lose everything, my kids, my career...everything I have worked so hard for.

    How do I get out of this hell I have put myself in? And how can I protect my children, I worry every minute of everyday that I am harming them

    I feel like I'm going crazy! And that everyone is judging me and I feel so awful

    I've been to counselling but I find it hard to open up there, my husband still brings up the affair when we argue and tends to rant and rave instead of talk when he is upset, which I'm trying to help him with. However I am easily offended and then stick up for myself which causes more upset. Often in front of the children. We were unbelievably happy last week, yet this week I feel like giving up!! He says I don't think of his feeling enough or value his work as a self employed trades person....maybe I am selfish? I should think about him more, but with the kids, the house and my uni degree I feel I have nothing left to give.

    My head hurts, I feel sick and I can't concentrate, I have been to the doctor and they gave me some self help things but it helped for a little bit yet now I'm back here again.
    X-FallenSolitude-X likes this.
  2. X-FallenSolitude-X

    X-FallenSolitude-X Well-Known Member

    I really don't know what to say I'm low on words but I did read this and your not alone here. And congrats on nearly completing your nursing degree. X
  3. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Blue and welcome to SF. The most pleasing aspect of reading this is at least you are not in danger of attempting anything stupid which is great. I am glad you value your kids and your marriage and you dont want to jeopardise that any further.

    I am doing some family therapy right now which might well be of help to you as well. After attempting twice in Mar/Apr things with my partner are somewhat strained. So we both go to see a family therapist once a month to try and help us get our relationship back to what it used to be. Its not easy, but if you have seen Relate, this is similar, only better [we did Relate donkeys yrs ago] This guy is a trained family therapist. He listens with his co worker and advises and towards the end of the session, him and his sidekick talk about what has been said in the session in front of you, but from their perspective. Its weird, but also effective. Ask your health visitor about it or your GP.

    Thankfully, here at SF, no one will judge you, no worries on thats score. We all share our stories and experiences and use them to help each other through whatever life is throwing at us right now. Some members have recovered and lead relatively "normal" lives. Others are in recovery/therapy, some are just beginning their journeys. But this place is safe and we value everyone. Its all completely anonymous so social media doesn't come into play as no one knows who or where you are. We hope you like the place and you find it helpful as you deal with your own problems.

    Take care and stay safe out there.
  4. moxman

    moxman Rosie a silly girl, pretending to be serious Forum Pro

    Hi Blue, I am Mox

    Thank you for joining us at SF and sharing your personal story. I know firsthand that is not an easy thing to do. I invite you to read my personal story below in green, and know that you are not alone in pain and suffering. Just think when you are here, you are with friends. No one will ridicule you or insult you in any manner, that BS is not tolerated here at SF.

    Here at SF, no one will ever judge you. We will accept you and try our best to help you. We are here to help you. If you feel like chatting with someone would be really helpful just let us know. We want to help you in whatever way we can.

    What type of abuse are you referring too?

    Two things that really struck me in reading your story is this; you love your kids with all of your heart. Children are incredibly strong and resistant to harm. I don't think you will ever hurt them, maybe you should consider giving yourself a break? You sound like a wonderful mother; that is just stressed out and needs some emotional support. I think you value your family more than anything else and that is a very important. I really do hope you and your husband gets things worked out. I like @SinisterKid Idea of family counseling.

    You have been through a lot ; which is the second thing that struck me. You take total ownership of all your mistakes. That I feel like is a very mature way to handle things; and to learn from them and move forward with your life.

    I really think we everything going on you are very overwhelmed. But you will finish UNI soon, and that will be one big thing off your plate. And you can start pursuing your career , which I think will help you.

    We are here to help you in anyway we can. If you feel like chatting would really help you, just let us know. Feel free to PM me anytime if you just want to vent or discuss things privately.

    I honestly think you will be fine; you're just in a rough spot right now.

    Take Care
  5. BluePhoenix

    BluePhoenix Member

    Thank you, I just get days where I am paralysed with fear, anxiety and I feel like I can't cope. Thankfully I opened up to my husband and he's been mega supportive.

    I'm feeling better today, I'm just lost and worry about everything and what people think of me. I just seem to run on either amazing highs or all time lows!
  6. moxman

    moxman Rosie a silly girl, pretending to be serious Forum Pro

    That is awesome, I am so glad you have his support.

    Blue, listen to me you can not control what other people think. You can only control the present and your future. Learn from your mistakes in the past ; and avoid making similar mistakes in the future.

    Are you on any kind of medication to help you with your anxiety? Are you receiving any kind of help from a mental health specialist; i.e. a therapist or a psychiatrist ? If not maybe it would be a good idea.

    Take Care
  7. BluePhoenix

    BluePhoenix Member

    No I'm not on any medication, and I was seeing a counsellor but I didn't find it helpful. My doctor said for me to try CBT at home but I haven't time to look into with my busy lifestyle.

    My husband WAS supportive but then last night turned into a drunk ass and wasn't very nice. It is my sons birthday today but his episode last night and this morning put a damper on it. :-(

    I am dreading tomorrow

    Why does everything have to be so hard?
  8. BluePhoenix

    BluePhoenix Member

    I have read your story Moxman, and in comparison my problems are nothing compared to yours. But I can say that I know how it feels to be so crushed and overwhelmed with life that you don't want to continue any longer. X
  9. BluePhoenix

    BluePhoenix Member

    Also I think I look to others to make me feel better, but I know that isn't right. I need to find ways to be able to cope with my anxiety and relationship problems
  10. moxman

    moxman Rosie a silly girl, pretending to be serious Forum Pro

    Me Again =) You didn't think you were going to get away from me that easy did you? =)

    Hush that talk. You have been through a lot. Just because our "pains" are not the same does not mean your "pain" is less important. I think your story is very important. I think YOU are very important.

    What happens tomorrow that you are dreading? Sometimes life's not fair, sometimes life is very hard. There is not anything you can do about it; that is just life. You just have to do the best you can do.

    Take Care of Yourself Feel Free to PM/IM anytime you want to vent or just chat. I care about you and I care what you are going through. You're not alone girly.