Hello, I'm new here, but new to feeling like this. My story is a crazy long one....since I was 16, when I tried to commit suicide, I self harmed and I was anorexic. I got through this with counselling and went to uni, then messed things up after making awful decision to move 400 miles away. Then my mum and dad split up and It all went wrong, I cheated on my boyfriend, fell out with people at my work and had to move home because I dropped out of uni. So I came home to a house my sister now ruled as my dad was with his new girlfriend closer to where he worked and my mum had a new flat. I got a job with my sister and then met this man, fell pregnant and disgraced my father even more by deciding to keep the baby. Needless to say this man left me when i was 10 weeks pregnant and I never heard from him again. My daughter was the best thing to ever happen to me and she got me out of an awful hole. I then met my next partner when she was 18 months old and he took her on. After 4.5 years of a turbulent relationship, the guilt of feeling like my daughter was a 'burden' to him was too much despite having my son with him (who was another happy accident but not wanted by my partner) We were engaged but I eventually left because I couldn't cope with the emotional abuse and how he treated my daughter. 9 months later I met my now husband of 2.5 years. I have a 19 month old daughter with him plus his son from another relationship (4 children between us) things have been amazing and then not so amazing. Last year we split up for 5 months because he became aggressive towards me, was drinking everyday and would not control his temper around the children. All of this I confided to my family, we reunited last October because we love one another and want to make our marriage work as a family with our four children. He does not drink at home anymore and is learning to talk to me instead of bottling up his emotions. A few months ago I asked him to stay with his mum and dad for a while because he threw a glass candle holder in our bedroom next to me and my 8 year old daughter heard the arguing and was so upset I had to inform school and my health visitor who knows everything. This happened because I had an affair with my best female friend also last year who later turned out to have her own agenda with a personality disorder. She then blackmailed me and harassed me for months threatening to tell everyone on social media. She even had things sent to the house to upset my husband as he wanted to forgive me and move on and work at our marriage. I am also at the end of my nursing degree with my final placement starting next week....I have fallen out with most of my family because I asked for my husbands parents to come to my 30th birthday meal and my mum freaked out saying I was selfish and wasn't considering anyone else's feelings only my own. My sister also didn't care that she put me in a horrible position of telling my husband and his parents why they couldn't come, saying that it was our fault for things to be this way. That's the brief story so far.....now I am feeling totally rock bottom. All I can think of is how worthless I am for all these mistakes which are my own doing. Opening my mouth, the affairs, the lies, marrying too quickly..... I have chest pains and I struggle to cope with my children some days and feel I've failed as a mother and that everyone looks at me as some weirdo who can't hold a relationship together or stay with one man. I have lost friends and now family and my husband and I still argue. I feel he has been abusive in the past and although he says he is sorry and wants to change that maybe he can't? I worry about the impact of this on my children and that I'm harming them for putting them in this situation, away from their father, living here with me and my mistakes. The pain is unbearable some days and I just wish to have a break from my own life! I wish I didn't exist! I would never attempt suicide as I would lose everything, my kids, my career...everything I have worked so hard for. How do I get out of this hell I have put myself in? And how can I protect my children, I worry every minute of everyday that I am harming them I feel like I'm going crazy! And that everyone is judging me and I feel so awful I've been to counselling but I find it hard to open up there, my husband still brings up the affair when we argue and tends to rant and rave instead of talk when he is upset, which I'm trying to help him with. However I am easily offended and then stick up for myself which causes more upset. Often in front of the children. We were unbelievably happy last week, yet this week I feel like giving up!! He says I don't think of his feeling enough or value his work as a self employed trades person....maybe I am selfish? I should think about him more, but with the kids, the house and my uni degree I feel I have nothing left to give. My head hurts, I feel sick and I can't concentrate, I have been to the doctor and they gave me some self help things but it helped for a little bit yet now I'm back here again.