Not coping please help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lastresort, Mar 2, 2016.

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  1. lastresort

    lastresort New Member


    I don't really know what the best way for me to move forward is at the moment.

    I have been struggling with depression for as long as i can remember and have been through year after year of trauma and upheaval and i just don't know how much more i can take. I was abused as a child by one of my mums partners, my grandma who was my primary guardian for most of my childhood died when i was 16 and within a month my mum married a woman who abused her, i moved out from the family home and have blamed myself ever since for the pain and trauma my mum endured whilst still living at home. I supported my mum over the phone throughout abusive episodes and at times was scared for her life. I have been at university for four years where i met my partner in my second year, i escaped last year from the flat after sustaining significant physical injury and poisoning by my ex partner and had to postpone university until september when i started my final year again. I also have a significant medical condition whereby i have been in and out of hospital for large spells of my life, i was told i was lucky to survive the poisoning due to my reduced kidney function (part of my condition) however i don't feel lucky at all. My ex partner went on to abuse a 12 year old girl within two weeks of me escaping and i just wish that i could have prevented this happening by enduring it a little longer.

    I've been to the doctors regularly regarding my mood and have been on medication since the age of 15 and have had counseling, CBT and done group therapy sessions, I'm now 22 and I feel like my situation is only getting worse and i feel like there's nothing more that can be done to improve my mood than the logical steps that have already been taken. Last year it was recommended that i took a short stay in hospital after i escaped the domestic violence and ongoing abuse from my partner of two years, i was completely against this as was my mum who also has significant mental health issues however a year on i am still struggling to move on and cope with normal life without feeling completely empty, alone, and crying nearly all day most days. I have been made redundant from my job and i'm going into my final term of university which i postponed last year due to my ongoing illness. I now can't face getting up in the morning most days, i feel i have no one to talk to and i'm spending most of my time alone to escape from everyone trying to 'cheer me up'. I have got to the point where i feel i'm scared constantly that something else will go wrong and it will tip me over the edge. I don't feel like my life is anything more than just existing rather than living at all, i can't see what additional help could pull me back out of this hole i feel i've fallen into as I have been struggling with these severe lows for over a decade without anything helping. I can't talk at all to my mum as she says i've got too much to be thankful for and i'm only making it worse by 'dwelling' on the past, i don't feel like i'm dwelling i feel like i can't cope and it's swallowing me up.

    I don't want to mess up my final term of uni for a second time as i just disappoint my mum over and over but i hate my course and feel like i can't even think straight enough to focus on anything at all. I've lost any faith in feeling better because everytime i think it can't get any worse it does.

    I've had periods within this time which have been good, however within these good periods i tend to try to block out the pain of the past by blocking things out and can feel a bit out of control at times. I have reinvented myself over and over hoping that this time it will make me happy. I always seem to return to this place again within a few months. I'm worried that these good or happier periods are detrimental as i tend to cause myself more problems which come back around to bite me when i'm low again.

    Should i go back to see a doctor or nurse? if so I feel it's too difficult to explain how i feel face to face and i end up just crying in the consulting room rather than explaining how i feel.
  2. James5706

    James5706 SF Supporter

    Firstly you're clearly a person who has considerable inner strength! Think about it. Despite going through trauma and upheaval all your early years, along with being "abused", and leaving home at 16. You still had the inner strength to listen to, and support your mother through her bad times, despite how traumatic it was for you to listen to. Maybe if you had not left your mum during her time of abuse, she would not have had anyone on the "outside" to help her emotionally. And despite all this, you were able to attend university, and only postponed it until you recovered. Just to add, on-one can take the world on their shoulders on their own. You are not to blame for your previous partners crimes.
    As regards to having no-one to talk to, you have to force yourself to go out and socialise. Surely being out and about is better than being alone in your flat dwelling on previous problems? You clearly have people who care for you, or they wouldn't make the effort to try and cheer you up. That's what real friends do when they care. It not only gives you a purpose to exist, but something else to concentrate on, and look forward to. No-one knows what lies ahead in your life, but your experiences put you in a good position to deal with them and move on.
    In short, stop dwelling on the things that have happened, and that can not be changed. Put that energy into changing what you can achieve in the future.
    Having had severe depression for many years, I've learnt that counselling and CBT are coping methods that can work. But ONLY if YOU put the effort in and really WANT to change things for the better. Your future is in your hands. And from what I've read about you in your post, you're a strong person. You just need to learn to channel that strength into the things in your life that are of a positive value.
    James x
    Freya likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry for everything that happened to you. You have survived so much. You're much, much stronger than you give yourself credit for!
    You really were not to blame for what your partner did, neither to you nor to that girl. Please don't think like that hun.

    I really think you should see a therapist and doctor about your feelings. Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? It sounds to me that is what you are struggling with. It needs treatment and rather sooner than later hun.
    If you feel like you can't express yourself you could try to write it down instead, why not print out this thread even? Then 'all' you have to do is hand them a piece of paper and let them help you from there.

    Can you get your school postponed again while you recover? you have been through a lot, and you really deserve to let yourself heal.

    Take care of yourself hun. *hugs* Please use the forum and chat to rant and get to know people, and know my inbox is always open.
  4. LookWithin

    LookWithin Member

    Wow, what a rough time you have had. I'm very sorry to hear of this.

    How or when do you feel comfortable expressing yourself? You did a good job expressing yourself in writing. Perhaps you could share that with your therapist or counselor?
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