Hi, I don't really know what the best way for me to move forward is at the moment. I have been struggling with depression for as long as i can remember and have been through year after year of trauma and upheaval and i just don't know how much more i can take. I was abused as a child by one of my mums partners, my grandma who was my primary guardian for most of my childhood died when i was 16 and within a month my mum married a woman who abused her, i moved out from the family home and have blamed myself ever since for the pain and trauma my mum endured whilst still living at home. I supported my mum over the phone throughout abusive episodes and at times was scared for her life. I have been at university for four years where i met my partner in my second year, i escaped last year from the flat after sustaining significant physical injury and poisoning by my ex partner and had to postpone university until september when i started my final year again. I also have a significant medical condition whereby i have been in and out of hospital for large spells of my life, i was told i was lucky to survive the poisoning due to my reduced kidney function (part of my condition) however i don't feel lucky at all. My ex partner went on to abuse a 12 year old girl within two weeks of me escaping and i just wish that i could have prevented this happening by enduring it a little longer. I've been to the doctors regularly regarding my mood and have been on medication since the age of 15 and have had counseling, CBT and done group therapy sessions, I'm now 22 and I feel like my situation is only getting worse and i feel like there's nothing more that can be done to improve my mood than the logical steps that have already been taken. Last year it was recommended that i took a short stay in hospital after i escaped the domestic violence and ongoing abuse from my partner of two years, i was completely against this as was my mum who also has significant mental health issues however a year on i am still struggling to move on and cope with normal life without feeling completely empty, alone, and crying nearly all day most days. I have been made redundant from my job and i'm going into my final term of university which i postponed last year due to my ongoing illness. I now can't face getting up in the morning most days, i feel i have no one to talk to and i'm spending most of my time alone to escape from everyone trying to 'cheer me up'. I have got to the point where i feel i'm scared constantly that something else will go wrong and it will tip me over the edge. I don't feel like my life is anything more than just existing rather than living at all, i can't see what additional help could pull me back out of this hole i feel i've fallen into as I have been struggling with these severe lows for over a decade without anything helping. I can't talk at all to my mum as she says i've got too much to be thankful for and i'm only making it worse by 'dwelling' on the past, i don't feel like i'm dwelling i feel like i can't cope and it's swallowing me up. I don't want to mess up my final term of uni for a second time as i just disappoint my mum over and over but i hate my course and feel like i can't even think straight enough to focus on anything at all. I've lost any faith in feeling better because everytime i think it can't get any worse it does. I've had periods within this time which have been good, however within these good periods i tend to try to block out the pain of the past by blocking things out and can feel a bit out of control at times. I have reinvented myself over and over hoping that this time it will make me happy. I always seem to return to this place again within a few months. I'm worried that these good or happier periods are detrimental as i tend to cause myself more problems which come back around to bite me when i'm low again. Should i go back to see a doctor or nurse? if so I feel it's too difficult to explain how i feel face to face and i end up just crying in the consulting room rather than explaining how i feel.