Not coping so well and feeling I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ace, Feb 5, 2012.

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  1. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    I'm not coping so great really to be honest,I do ok then I'm rotten as hell and everything takes it's toll on me.I'm sick of these bi polar mood swings really,the Ocd,the body dysmorphic disorder the anxiety seriously I'm so fucked up and wonder why I should keep on fighting for seriously.People will move on life will go on seriously.I'm 36 years of age and a piece of shit that's good at nothing it's the truth what's the point in hiding it seriously.I'm just over trying I think,I've failed at life and it's time to accept it.I thought things were maybe improving but who was I to kid,if I go on living seriously why what is the point to keep experiencing more hell.

    Death is so appealing to me and I don't know if I can keep on resisting for much longer.I didn't even want to write this to be honest,because I'm so screwed up really.Maybe it's because of my OCD I felt I had to write this because of the anxiety seriously that's how fucked up I am.Everyone else is a success but me seriously who gives a shit about a real waste of space.I think I could be gone very very soon I can feel it now.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi ace i hate the downward spiral but you know soon it will go up again. Death calls so many of us hun but it is not the way please know that It is not you who failed at life hun it is your illness that has taken its toll on you that all. You are important and special and you do deserve kindness compassion understand YOU DO okay I hope you continue to post ace okay continue to reach out here because we do understand hun hugs
     
  3. BigTomTooToo

    BigTomTooToo Well-Known Member

    You're not a failure or a f-ck up(!!!!!) I'm BIPOLAR too and these depression episodes have ripped me apart sometimes. I just realized you have to make a start at looking at life in a positive way. Negativity is a f-cking magnet, just drawing more and more from you until that's all your looking at. We're not born super happy and positive and we're not born to love life automatically. You have to teach it and will it. No matter what it may seem you are given this life Here and now. Look for the light in your life and keep talking to people. Life isn't based on success. We've created these societies to help each other, but at the same time it can seem like such a great burden. Just don't look at death like it will solve all the problems in a person's life. I used to turn to thinking about death when things got dark but the closer I got to death to more I started learning and opening my eyes.
     
  4. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much to both of you sorry it just gets really hard with everything and it takes its toll as well.I'm trying hard it just gets too much really and I know the negativity is so bad as well.I hate it when I get like that really,I hope things really improve just when something I hear or see gets to me alot and it brings me down so much.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know how it is to be triggered hun and how hard it is to pick oneself back up again Just know we are here okay and dam we do understand we do h ugs
     
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thanks very much for your warm thoughts of support they're really appreciated,I'm really sorry it just gets so hard at times and really overwhelming.I don't mean to be a pain I don't even like writing these types of threads or topics really to be honest and try to resist as much as possible but think my Ocd takes hold alot and I have to give in to the anxiety and post.
     
  7. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    About a year ago I came across Sean Blackwell of BipolarOrWakingUp on Youtube and have since become online friends.

    His videos on Youtube were really transformational for me and I owe him a lot and try to share his work wherever I can.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/bipolarorwakingup#p/u/1/BnsTNEXMRL8

    http://www.profound-self-help.com/bipolar-1-disorder.html

    Also are two alternative perspectives on bipolar that may offer something much better than simply being told you need meds and therapy:

    http://www.profound-self-help.com/living-with-bipolar.html

    http://flowpsychology.com/bipolar-personalty-i/

    Ron
     
  8. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thanks very much Ron sorry not feeling so great right now at all and very suicidal really:-((((...
     
  9. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Can you see that it's your mind and not you that is driving this, ace?

    Can you see that it's your mind producing these emotions, not the world around you?

    That the thoughts feel like a war zone but in the real world around you, there's calm?

    Can you choose to recognize reality and not let thoughts control you? Can you say "no" to your mind and ride this out until your mind locks onto some other thought?

    You're not alone....ok?

    Ron
     
  10. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thanks alot Ron I can see where this is all coming from and I'm going to do my best to try and stop this.I had a good talk to my Dr and can see how all this is really happening.It is all in my head well it's things that have happened basically and my Dr made me see really many or all those things aren't worth worrying about that much.I know it's going to keep being hard but I'll try my best to do what I can to reduce the pain.
     
  11. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Thanks Ace....

    The way you "try" is by letting go. "Trying" implies control and that is how you got to where you are, thinking that you can control life.

    So "try" letting go....judgment, possessiveness, jealousy, greed, comparison...these are all part of the language of the ego...when you hear this language in your thoughts or in your words, stop and let them go. Before you know it, your mind will be off onto some other thought and then you realize that the mind is just a process that babbles. It's constantly creating logical ideas but you don't have to accept those ideas. You can "pass". So "try" that...passing on thoughts...letting go....that's the only way to "fight" the mind is by ignoring it. Then in your watchfulness, you realize more and more about your mind and in your growing consciousness, it becomes easier and easier to ignore ideas in your mind.

    A quote...

    "Feelings are more material,more substantial. They transform you. Thinking about love is not going to help you, but feeling love is bound to change you. Thinking is very much loved by the ego, because the ego feeds on fictions. The ego cannot digest any reality, and thinking is a fictitious process….
    Change from the mind to the heart, from thinking to feeling, from logic to love." Osho

    And here's a great letting go quote....tattoo it to your eyelids....you've healed when these statements speak for you....
    http://www.profound-self-help.com/letting-go.html
     
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