Hey sorry to burden you all with my problems but I just can't bottle it up anymore and it has to come somewhere, my social worker was on training today so I didn't have anyone to discuss my problems with so i want to explode here. Basically I've not handled my time at work all that well in my opinion, everyone tells me I've come such a long way since may, but I don't even know if I want to live past my placement I've only put off what's going to happen down the line. I emailed my lecturer on my failed half module today for exam tips and got sent back a rude response because I sent him the wrong module code. Just bought a car and one week driving a stone flies against the windshield and makes a tiny tiny chip in the glass just after I spent lots of money on it, and even I got it without realising I'd said "no problems" when they asked about medical conditions, I just wanted the car and noone was going to take it from me. The only reason I don't tell my social worker I'm not coping is because I really don't want to goto hospital, leave my job, have my loan come right back and then I will have nothing truely to live for. Thats not even including my credit rating is shot to ribbons which drives me even deeper into dispair. One of my mates even asked me was the pills all worth it in the end, to which I couldn't answer yes or no, but it was verging on no I almost wished I'd succeeded back in September, because of them my parents look at me like a freak who needs to take the easy way out of everything and a loser. On wednesday I was shaving and accidently cut my top lip with my mach3 quite deep, but the feel of blood the feel of being alive I soon realised everything, it was a release and it felt good. I was actually terrified of needles/injections (took me three attempts to get me to calm enough to get my jabs for immunisation) but since the above I feel like its flipped a switch where its the solution to all my problems. I'm sorry for being a monster and writing all this down in a garbled heap, I really am. I feel terrible even after writing it, want to curl up and die now, really do.