Not coping *Trigger*

Hey sorry to burden you all with my problems but I just can't bottle it up anymore and it has to come somewhere, my social worker was on training today so I didn't have anyone to discuss my problems with so i want to explode here.

Basically I've not handled my time at work all that well in my opinion, everyone tells me I've come such a long way since may, but I don't even know if I want to live past my placement I've only put off what's going to happen down the line. I emailed my lecturer on my failed half module today for exam tips and got sent back a rude response because I sent him the wrong module code. Just bought a car and one week driving a stone flies against the windshield and makes a tiny tiny chip in the glass just after I spent lots of money on it, and even I got it without realising I'd said "no problems" when they asked about medical conditions, I just wanted the car and noone was going to take it from me. The only reason I don't tell my social worker I'm not coping is because I really don't want to goto hospital, leave my job, have my loan come right back and then I will have nothing truely to live for. Thats not even including my credit rating is shot to ribbons which drives me even deeper into dispair.

One of my mates even asked me was the pills all worth it in the end, to which I couldn't answer yes or no, but it was verging on no I almost wished I'd succeeded back in September, because of them my parents look at me like a freak who needs to take the easy way out of everything and a loser. On wednesday I was shaving and accidently cut my top lip with my mach3 quite deep, but the feel of blood the feel of being alive I soon realised everything, it was a release and it felt good. I was actually terrified of needles/injections (took me three attempts to get me to calm enough to get my jabs for immunisation) but since the above I feel like its flipped a switch where its the solution to all my problems.

I'm sorry for being a monster and writing all this down in a garbled heap, I really am. I feel terrible even after writing it, want to curl up and die now, really do.

 

Hi Pensive...so very glad you thought to write your feelings/experiences here...about the Prof who was rude because you wrote the wrong number...wait until he finds out he is so imperfect...what a wake up call that is going to be! ... and the chip in your windshield...feels like it cut you...I have loved my cars and I know how that feels...I tell myself it is only a car, but G-d knows the first few scrapes sure do hurt...and about withholding from your social worker...there is a vast amt of midground betw not telling about how you are feeling and being PC'd...tell her/him about your fears of being revealed and institutionalized...I hope s/he can find a way to allow you to feel safe (as long as you are not a threat to yourself or others), and be more genuine in the relationship...please continue to let us know how you are...and you are clearly NEVER a monster...all the best, J

 

hey sorry to hear you couldn't reach your social worker this morning, as planned. try again tomorrow first thing?

it can be so hard to fight back when that "flip has switched" as you say, but try and hold on. these challenges seem overwhelming but we will help you get through them. your parents, like my family, are pretty uneducated about depression. don't get caught up in their attitudes... if if was a matter of willpower we'd all be better by now. you are a very strong person to have survived so far. you are having a rough time right now but we'll be here to help you get through it,

catherine (down in the breezy south... brrrrrr.....)

 

I'm so glad that you let some of the pain out here. Especially if you couldn't with anyone else when you really need to. Keep posting, even if it doesn't seem to help much right now. But eventually it will start to pick away at the pain and you will feel a little better soon enough. Be strong and be safe.

 

Dazzle: Yeah I'm trying first thing tomorrow morning again.

Thanks everyone else I'm trying to distract myself at the minute so sorry for the brief reply.

 

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PAIN YOU WILL LEAVE BEHIND​

CHOOSING DEATH IS CHOOSING DARKNESS AND PAIN FOREVER​

CHOOSE LIFE WHERE THERE IS HOPE AND LIGHT​

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Got in touch with my SW today, told her everything. She booked me an appointment for 530pm which I bunked off work to get to as it was 80 miles away from my workplace. Talked with that doctor who gave me a DVD to watch and a script for double dosage of Zoloft, SW is calling me in the morning, but stressed out I dunno how I'm going to manage in work tomorrow.:huh:

 

Congrats on accomplishing all you have so far!!!! Treat work as one of the "steps" like the ones you have overcome like the dr. appt. Hey, give yourself a pat on the back for all you have done so far!!!!

 

thanks itmahanh, it means a lot to me But I don't feel like I've accomplished very much atall, I guess I find out tomorrow. I guess its lucky the football is on tonight so I can not think about it all.

 

Yeah football!!! Hey, you haveaccomplished a lot! It just doesn't seem like much because it isn't the BIG picture you're hoping to find. The fix all solution. And somewhere deep inside you know suicide isn't the solution you are searching for or you wouldn't be here. But anything worth doing, takes time. Give yourself some ok?

 

congrats, i'm glad you were able to reach out to her
as for work, i guess it's just one foot in front of the other, as a friend once told me. if you can't take time off (which i think from what you've written is not really an option) just do your best and make sure you take a proper lunch break in order to chill, maybe nap, and regather your strength. i'm sure you are very good at your job, could probably do it half asleep on some days, so if you have to "dial it in" as they used to say in brooklyn for a coupla days, who will notice. your health and wellbeing are what's most important.

isn't it amazing how far you've come since last summer? you can recognize the warning signs and reach out for some help. good job,

catherine