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Not coping

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nekosuki, Jun 19, 2013.

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  1. Nekosuki

    Nekosuki Member

    Hi all. I'm new to the forum. Having struggled with depression since late childhood I finally got help and a diagnosis at 16 but my wonderfully destructive nature means I go on and off meds and have pushed anyone who once gave a damn away. I struggle with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis but tonight they just won't go away. I also self harm but it's just not releaving the bad thoughts. I'm here as a last resort because I just don't know what to do anymore. Can anyone help? Please
  2. coppertop

    coppertop Member

    Hi I've just joined too. I've led a relatively normal life up until 6 years ago, when everything seemed to change for the worse. I have been on medication ever since then. I've tried coming off them, however the dark moods then set in. Up until recently I had reduced my dosage, however due to work problems I have since gone off sick, and the daily happy pills have now doubled. Sometimes people say it's easier to talk to others in a similar situation, I can relate to that as at least people here would have an understanding as to how you feel.
  3. MikeTRobot

    MikeTRobot Active Member

    I've been through exactly what your going through. Why don't you vent a little bit more about whats going on with you. No judgements here.
  4. Nekosuki

    Nekosuki Member

    Thanks coppertop ^.^ I've managed to push all but 2 friends away, neither of which really understands the suicide urge. Our family is close but they have their own problems and the last time I let them know I was struggling they freaked. It helps knowing there are others out there.
  5. Nekosuki

    Nekosuki Member

    I was engaged for 6 years. It was a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I wasn't allowed friends, to visit family, even to work. I started getting panic attacks, self harming and drinking heavily. Too ashamed to tell anyone i just turned all the unhappiness inside. My sister moved and i had a chance to take her old flat so in 2007 i escaped.

    Since then it's been me and the cats. I tried going back to uni but I have agoraphobia too so it didn't last long before my attendance forced me out. Then dad got ill so I looked after him so mum could keep working. It was hard but nice getting to know him again. My sisters marriage broke up and as she was working full time I ended up looking after her 2 year old so she could keep her job. Since moving back I've done nothing but support my family which I honestly don't mind but it's been draining. They know about the depression but when I've tried to talk to them on down days they either tell me to snap out of it or to cheer up.

    I had great grades at school and was expected to go on to uni, get married, start a family. But every time things look up I get knocked down again and I'm just tired. I honestly can't do this anymore. I had a psych nurse who came to visit but she stopped when I got taken off the 'at risk' register. I've even started packing up the house and looking for a new home for the cats. At nearly 30 years old I have no job, no prospects and no life. It's just too hard
  6. coppertop

    coppertop Member

    Hi Nekosuki

    It sounds as though you have had, and are still going through a very rough time. For me it wasn’t just one event that triggered my depression but a combination of factors/events all coming together. The only member of my family I told about the depression was my father, to which his response was “oh right, well don’t take the tablets for too long or you’ll get addicted” Needless to say I never mentioned it again. Relationships never seemed to last long either as I disappeared into my own world when I was down.

    As for talking to friends or family about having suicidal thoughts, I thought better of it, due to the replies I might get. Unless someone has been in a similar situation, then they don’t truly understand. I suppose that’s what brought me here.

    You’re completely right in what you say about it being draining, both physically and mentally. I used to drink to try and sleep. Although I was tired at night time, I just couldn’t sleep. Alcohol was a bad move anyway as it can act as a depressant and make you worse.

    You sound far from stupid if you don’t mind me saying. . I won’t mention the cats as they are always causing trouble in my garden…usually at some stupid hour, either that or leaving me ‘surprises’ in the lawn. That’s my cat rant over. :) It doesn't mean to say you should give yours away though. do you enjoy having them?

    Perhaps it’s easy for me to say this but of course you have prospects, and a life, you’re still young too (Now had you said that to me I’d probably disagree, but that’s me being negative I guess….and nearly 40). You mentioned trying university, but you eventually left. How about some form of online/distance learning course? That way you could tailor it to your needs?

    Is there something you really used to enjoy doing when you were younger, if so what was it?
  7. Nekosuki

    Nekosuki Member

    Hey Coppertop,

    Thank you for helping :) it's nice to know that others have felt like this and picked themselves up again. I find it hard to remember sometimes.

    Have resigned myself to being on meds till the day I die. Even then I don't think I'll ever feel 'normal'. I completely understand about retreating into your own world. It's so much easier and safer.

    Sleep is heaven but I can't switch off the bad thoughts at bedtime. Anything during the day that could have gone different won't stop running over and over in my head. I have found that listening to audiobooks helps distract sometimes.

    Poor garden ..have you tried planting wild garlic? They hate the smell. I do love having them though.They do help me through the bad days but if I was to go then I want to make sure they're taken care of. That's why I want to find them a good home. I can't go until they're safe.

    I did think about open uni but I feel like a failure for not being able to have a normal uni experience. Getting engaged at 17 means I never really got a chance to enjoy being young. I used to like playing the guitar. When I moved last year I even got a piano but have done nothing with it. Just don't seethe point. How do you deal with bad days?
  8. coppertop

    coppertop Member

    My moods tend to swing without any consistency, 3-4 days of feeling very low, then a day or two of feeling relatively normal, and then perhaps back down again. Sometimes picking myself up can be straightforward and relatively easy, then other times it isn’t.

    Sleep for me was all over to place to some extent, I found getting in bed was almost like a switch being turned on, all the thoughts kept going over constantly. To make up for the lack of sleep at night I would literally just crash during the day & sleep for the most of it. Fortunately I have more medication now to help me sleep at night, and that seems to be doing the trick. The downside being they can be addictive and I only have a small amount. My fear is once I have used them all, I will revert to how I used to be, then it’s back to the doctor.

    Thank you for the garlic tip, I’ll have to give that a go. The little beggars keep fighting in the early hours. If they bring you happiness need to keep hold of your cats
    I guess it’s easy for me to talk about someone else’s circumstances. I’ve done it myself getting into a downward spiral…thinking I’m no good, a failure at my job and I’ve let people down. Then starting working out how life would probably be better if I wasn’t in the equation. The thing is there is no easy way to go, they are all painful…..some excruciatingly I’d imagine. Then there are the loved ones left behind….yes perhaps they don’t understand, all the same I wouldn’t want my father, or brother to be the one who has to ‘identify the body’. None of it’s nice.

    Sorry for being a bit dark there, I’m just trying to set the possible reality of it all.

    You certainly don’t come across as a failure, more a case of how life has treated you. I went to university and dropped out, purely because I was lazy, and found the opposite sex more appealing. So I have regrets. You should look into open uni, or distance learning, you might just be surprised. The thing is you don’t have anything to lose….give it a go.

    You sound quite musical too. My experience of music was the recorder at primary school…that put me off for life; I’m not musically talented at all!
    I know it’s easier said than done, and I’m a fine one to try & give you advice. Set yourself some simple achievable goals, say learn some new tunes on the piano. 

    I’ve written an essay here, it’s almost like being back at school. How do I deal with the bad days? Sometimes not well, lying on my bed crying on some occasions, or sat staring into space. In some cases I’ve tried to sleep just to try and switch off. I found getting into a routine helps though, setting myself jobs, or going for a walk, reading a book, or listening to music. Do you see I where was coming from about the college course now? The more time you have where you are sat thinking about life and how you feel, the worse you will get. Trust me I’ve been there. :)
  9. Nekosuki

    Nekosuki Member

    hey Coppertop,

    I can empathise with so much that you've written. I'm on 2 types of meds for my depression and anxiety, one of which makes me very sleepy and disorientated. This used to help me sleep but not any more. I'm averaging 4 nights out of 7 but every once in a while i'll sleep through the whole day. Throws the week off but feels absolutely brilliant. Wish I could just sleep all the time.

    Appreciate the reality check. I've always said suicide is the ultimate selfish act. But when the bad thoughts get really bad I think that the guilt of leaving loved ones behind doesn't really matter cause I'll be dead. I've even nominated someone to be the designated finder, costed my funeral and filled out as much as I can in the financial aid form for funeral expenses. Want to make sure that as much as possible is done because family will be struggling.

    I did manage to play the piano today but my mood sank and now i'm stuck in the past again. Am not as low as when this thread first started though. The people here have been really nice and supportive. It's helped a lot.

    Fully agree that routine helps. Have downloaded the open uni prospectus but haven't been ok enough to look at it if that makes sense. Distractions are good. I'm a gamer so that's the easiest way to escape reality atm.

    Hoping tomorrow is better but don't think tonight is a sleep night :,(
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