Not coping

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kina, Jul 25, 2010.

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  1. Kina

    Kina Member

    This isn't me, this isn't who I want to be.

    I appear so strong and resilient on the outside, but that's not me anymore. It hasn't been for a few years. Coincidentally, it has been since I've made changes for the "good". I've been sober for 3 years. I was very promiscuous 5 years ago, I took a vow of temporary abstinence for awhile, and then made the choice to only have sex in committed relationships. So I feel like...Those were my things. That was how I got through the pain. They're gone and I'm raw, and I've not found healthy alternatives.

    I was with the man I was supposed to marry. We found out I was pregnant in April...In May, I miscarried. May 6th. Something inside him changed after that. By May 8th, he was halfway across the country. He left. He just left, like he was taking a walk and never came back. He didn't call, he blocked my emails, changed his phone number. Initially I thought something horrible happened...I was so concerned. But no...He's ok. He's fine. I was told that he's back in his hometown on the west coast, over 1000 miles away from me a few weeks back. When I needed his support most, he left. I can't believe someone has that kind of heartlessness inside them, I don't know what the hell was going on in his head.

    I'm not coping. I am so withdrawn, I can't take being around anyone. But I truly and genuinely feel, everything is superficial. No one sincerely cares. I can't lean and depend on myself right now. So when the pain isn't consuming me, I'm numb. I needed support so much when I miscarried. I reached out then, I still had some hope then. But I reached out into nothingness, and it left me feeling more like I really am not meant for this world.

    I want my baby back, I can't even begin to explain my grief. There are no words for it, it's beyond any kind of pain I've ever felt before. I tried a support group, but it was primarily couples...I would leave feeling 1000% worse knowing that these women had their husbands and boyfriends to depend on. My ex bailed on me. I posted to a miscarriage forum...But it was the same, these women had partners. And eventually there was no one posting there anymore because most got pregnant and migrated to the other board. Is there no freaking escaping it?

    I feel sick. I feel like I can't bear to get through one more day. In these last nearly 3 months, I have held razors to my wrists, sorted through pills trying to figure out what will work and what won't, I've scarred my arms self-harming, I've pulled my hair out. I feel crazy, and I feel sick, and I feel like I lost what I was always able to hold onto for so long - hope.

    Without hope, I feel I am doomed. I am just going through the motions until one day, I can actually go through with it. I have a career, a very well-paying job. But my heart is no longer in it, hasn't been for a long time. I am late nearly everyday because I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed. That's it. I have nothing grounding me, keeping me here. I have failed as a partner, I have failed as a woman. I don't want to fail at this

    I guess I just want to hear...That maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there is some kind of hope, something for me to grasp at. I just need to hear from someone who has been there.

    Thank you.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey lot of pain right now you can't fight this one on your own He was an incensitive ass to leave you when you needed him most. He is running from his pain hiding i hope you get help okay grief councillor for your loss psychologist for you okay You do matter okay you matter so much You can find someone else but for now you need to look after you call crisis get help okay call doctor get on meds start therapy get you back okay Life can move forward you just need to reach out for help.. please call and get you some
  3. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Of course you're wrong. The biggest wrong I see in all of this is how you believe that you have failed as a partner, failed as a woman-- you didn't fail at anything. In fact, you're capable of great things! Look at you-- you decided that you would become sober, and did it. There are a lot of people that couldn't, or can't, but you did. No matter what you say, that's an accomplishment, even if you did it three years ago. From what it sounds like, you changed your entire life for the better. Just remind yourself, right now, that what you did was amazing. That you acheived something great. Did you do it? Alright, now onto your supposed failures.

    Forgive me if I speak too freely, or frankly, I don't mean to be insulting in any manner, I only want to help. So feel free to call me a jackass if I do insult you, and I will apologize posthaste. Alright, here we go.

    Unless I'm mistaken, you had no control over the miscarriage. Unless you were acting recklessly (and I mean getting drunk, taking drugs, getting into fights reckless) there was nothing you could have done to save that baby. It is not your fault. No amount of saying that can take away the pain of losing a child, but it should take away the blame from you. There is no one to blame, because it was all chance, no one had control of those dice and the end result has to be taken as it is. I'm sorry for your loss, but take away your life now, and you take away your potential children as well. The same way that chance took your baby it can present you with an opportunity to create another in its place, and to rob yourself of that would be a shame.

    Your partner owns his own actions, the same way that you own yours-- completely. In the face of your unfortunate circumstance, he ran away. Now the question remains if you will run away? Think of the pain he caused you by turning his back, becoming cold when you needed him the most. Will you do that as well to the people who love you? Him leaving was not your fault unless you drove him out, which it does not sound like you did. You did not fail because he left, because he could not handle the new future, because you had no control over his actions. You cannot be held responsible for something that is not under your control-- how could you have known he was going to do that? Even then, how could you have stopped him? He chose to leave, him alone.

    Your sole responsibility right now is yourself, and healing from these traumas that have occurred. Your responsibility is your well-being. The one and only true failure in my eyes is giving up so completely that you are dead, breathing or not. You have not failed by the mere fact that you signed up for an account here, created a thread, and asked for help. If it's not too intrusive, but, where is your family in all of this? It seems as if they would be a solid resource to fall back on (not always-- my parents are pretty abusive, so I understand it not being an answer for you like it is to most people), or other friends possibly? Other connections that can help you through this. Since the support group didn't work out because of the constant reminder that your partner was a dick, maybe a therapist would be useful? Some time to speak, one-on-one, with someone qualified in helping women out with miscarriages or fickle partners could help you out. If that's a possibility, I really hope you'd check it out.

    I'm sorry, I'm probably not the kind of person you wanted a response from. I haven't been where you're standing exactly, no, but I do wrestle with suicide on nearly a day-to-day basis. I've done a lot of reading, mostly on emotional abuse and suicide, but I lack the real-world experience that a lot of other people have. To be honest, I've never had a boyfriend. But I am observant, and I hope what I've said helps. Just figured I'd rather be honest about my qualifications than come off as more than I am. I hope this helps.

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Everyone handles a miscarriage differently..My daughter has had three.. My neice had one last year and took it hard.. She was in therapy and the therapist helped her thru it..Seek some help and guidance..As for your BF he's an insensitive ass... Your better off finding out now than later..Please seek the help and keep posting here..We will support you..
  5. Kina

    Kina Member

    Violet and Stranger-

    Thank you. I really think I just needed to get it out, no holds barred. I'm so grateful that you were here to listen. Stranger, you're very right. It is better now than later. Growing up fatherless, it was so important for me to find a good father for my child. If he could run off like this with no warning, who is to say that he wouldn't abandon our baby if I had carried full-term...Although I think the miscarriage will always stay with me and I will always wonder "what if", I would never want my child to grow up thinking his dad doesn't love him...And all the issues that stem from that...

    My BIGGEST concern, that I am so grateful I was able to spare my child from -When I found out I was pregnant, I found out some very disturbing news about my ex's father - He is a pedophile. I told my ex there is no way his father would ever meet our baby, have anything to do with him in any way, shape or form. To be honest, I believe my ex resented me for this and played a massive role in his leaving. He wanted to change my mind about his dad; I wouldn't have it. He held this piece of information back from me as I have been in the shoes of the girls his father has harmed in my past, but felt I should know now that we were bringing a child into the world. Just thinking about the 'what ifs' is enough to make my stomach churn all day long. Finding out about it brought forth a lot of bad memories, which undoubtedly is playing a role in the way I feel now. At times I wonder if I worried and stressed myself to the point where I caused a miscarriage. I can't bear to think of that, either. I know I am FAR better off without him, there is no question in my mind. I have not contacted him, nor do I want him back. If HE can't really condemn his father's behaviors - Because I think he, himself is damaged by this relationship with his dad - Then how could I ever feel safe leaving my child with him? How could I feel ok about being with someone who really doesn't completely view those things as WRONG? Oh my goodness, it is so scary and him leaving was truly a blessing. Even so, I still struggle with this feeling of inadequacy, of feeling incompetent. It bothers me that I feel that way, even knowing what I know. I feel like a bad person for struggling with those feelings, given the circumstances. I feel like I should not feel bad at all about this, that it makes me immoral on some level. I feel guilty. Does that make any sense?

    Thinking Cap -

    Please don't apologize for frankness. I certainly held nothing back and I wouldn't want anyone to tiptoe around what they want to say.

    Reading back on what I posted, I see the irrationality. I know this is such a big part of my problem right now. Impulsiveness combined with irrational thoughts. Totally a deadly combo.

    I'm holding things in too much in terms of looking for support. I really need to let go of this strong face I'm putting on. I have problems with expressing vulnerability and needing to appear strong and resilient. I know parts of me are. But no (wo)man is an island, and I really need to get a grip on that. I'm putting a limit, a cap on my grief. Like "Ok, that's enough, get a grip now". Instead, I've found myself so completely out of control and it's scary. I will be the first to admit I am typically in denial of my feelings, and apparently this is where it lead me.

    My mother is a constant source of support, the rest of my family tend to bottle their emotions and are very uncomfortable with expressions of anger/sadness/depression. It's not appropriate nor is it tolerable, and they will write someone off quickly because of it. So I feel like I pour it all onto my mother - Which really isn't fair to her as I am to a point where I realize I need professional help and not just an ear..But I'm terrified of it.

    I hear all that you're saying(it's very well-received and MUCH appreciated), and agree with you. While I understand these things on a rational level, emotionally it has not sunk in yet. I feel like I'm running behind myself, if that makes sense. Like I haven't caught up yet.

    I am very grateful that you took the time out to give me such a well thought out response. It means a lot to me.
  6. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Oh good, it's so difficult to tell where a person is at emotionally-- especially on a site such as this that deals with sensitive topics-- but I'm so happy to see you're doing alright. It makes more sense now why you haven't gone to a therapist yet. My mother is a lot like the rest of your family, except that instead of writing someone off for emotions, she humiliates them. It results in the same thing, really; an intense fear of exposing what you're feeling to anyone for fear you'd slip up in front of the ones who don't tolerate it. But if you're old enough, or have the capabilities, to stay away from those people who hamper your ability to express yourself then it's now a matter of working over those deeply set barriers that keep you from recognizing your own emotions.

    Oh goodness, I should just stop talking, huh? You get the picture rationally, like you said, now you just need time and a bit of a push. I'm also butting into the frustrating fact that emotions take longer than logic to work themselves out, but with the right amount of support, they'll fall in step eventually. Hopefully, if you do end up getting a therapist, you will get someone who will actually help rather than hurt. After reading some of the stories on here, I'm surprised on how lucky I was. You'll get through this, and the scars will no longer be a source of shame, but of pride for what you've overcome.

    Feel free to PM me if you'd like! Like I said before, I don't have the life-experience, but I'll do what I can.

    Best of luck!

  7. Kina

    Kina Member

    No, not at all. I think you're very insightful, and I find your advice to be valuable. With last night's post, I felt and likely appeared to be completely devastated and a total wreck. I still feel the same, lol. Except I am a bit more grounded, and more rational thinking today.

    Depression has a way of making you feel like you're the only one in the world with problems, or you've been cursed with not knowing how to healthily cope whereas everyone else is miraculously getting on perfectly. I know it's not true, but again...emotionally stunted. Or something.

    I just get scared of myself when I get to that point as I did last night. I feel at points like those, I don't know what I'm capable of, or if I have even a remote bit of self-control. I've been suffering from generalized anxiety, panic disorder and depression for...12 years now, I think. Longer I'm sure, but that's when I was diagnosed. I've attempted suicide before, long ago. I actually hadn't self-harmed since I was 18, but in the last 4 months I think I have done so more than I ever have in my life.

    I need help. I'm scared, though. I spent a long time in therapy. I've made a lot of improvements but I feel like it's all in vain. I don't want to go back only to feel like I'm just starting over. Like is it going to be this way my whole life? I don't want to go back to that place again, but I think I'm already there...At the very least, I'm well on my way. The older I get, the more I feel I am a hopeless case. I'm 27, I'm not old...But my soul is. Afraid to get stuck in my ways. And end up like my bitter uncle or nutty aunt.

    Don't mind me, I am just letting this out.
  8. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    You are not alone, and although I do not agree with what your ex had done it was prolly for the better. He truly does not deserve you if he is going to bail on such an important event in your life. You are never alone and there is someone who truly cares, and that can heal you inside out. You just have to do some soul searching to find them. Please know that you are never alone, and that others have suffered this way. Hang in there! My heart, thoughts and prayers are going out to you. Blessings..
  9. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't aim to cope, coping is just ignoring a problem to trying to live with it forever. I would aim to learn from this experience and over come it. Not to forget, but not to allow it from ruining any chances of having a healthy life after it. For me personally Yahweh helps me in everything. It may not happen over night, but I can always rely on him to be there when no one else can or wants to. Blessings..
  10. Kina

    Kina Member

    It was for the better. This I have swallowed. Dealing with the aftereffects is a lot like dealing with the mess after a storm. The seemingly worst part is over, but the aftermath takes such a long time to clean up after.

    Thank you Daphna, for your kind words :) It warms my heart to be reminded once again that I am not alone.
  11. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    No problem, venting's always good (okay, maybe not always, but you get what I mean) You see, the beautiful thing is that since you're afraid of ending up like your aunt or uncle means that you won't. You're aware of what you don't want to be, so the next step is to watch your reactions to see if you actually are like them, but are deluding yourself.

    I do this in my journal, which isn't a bad idea for you if you've never tried it before. I just sit down and write out everything that's going on in my head, or whatever I feel like writing, date it, and let it go. Then as I take the time to write things out, patterns start to emerge. The more subtle aspects of your personality as presented to the rest of the world become more obvious. But the key is that it's not a degrading process, it's actually quite neutral overall. I use it as a way to document my moods to see if maybe I have a disorder (I'm 17 so I haven't had a lot of time to detect a pattern), but maybe you could find a good use for it. It sounds cliche, kinda, but journaling is referenced quite a bit for a reason.

    Food for thought :p
  12. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im praying for you. I hop eyoiu are feeling better today. Please dont be so hardeon yourself.I seems like the most giving people are always the most self critical. PLEASE NEVER HURT YOURSELF WE ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU

    Sending love!!!!

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