This isn't me, this isn't who I want to be. I appear so strong and resilient on the outside, but that's not me anymore. It hasn't been for a few years. Coincidentally, it has been since I've made changes for the "good". I've been sober for 3 years. I was very promiscuous 5 years ago, I took a vow of temporary abstinence for awhile, and then made the choice to only have sex in committed relationships. So I feel like...Those were my things. That was how I got through the pain. They're gone and I'm raw, and I've not found healthy alternatives. I was with the man I was supposed to marry. We found out I was pregnant in April...In May, I miscarried. May 6th. Something inside him changed after that. By May 8th, he was halfway across the country. He left. He just left, like he was taking a walk and never came back. He didn't call, he blocked my emails, changed his phone number. Initially I thought something horrible happened...I was so concerned. But no...He's ok. He's fine. I was told that he's back in his hometown on the west coast, over 1000 miles away from me a few weeks back. When I needed his support most, he left. I can't believe someone has that kind of heartlessness inside them, I don't know what the hell was going on in his head. I'm not coping. I am so withdrawn, I can't take being around anyone. But I truly and genuinely feel, everything is superficial. No one sincerely cares. I can't lean and depend on myself right now. So when the pain isn't consuming me, I'm numb. I needed support so much when I miscarried. I reached out then, I still had some hope then. But I reached out into nothingness, and it left me feeling more like I really am not meant for this world. I want my baby back, I can't even begin to explain my grief. There are no words for it, it's beyond any kind of pain I've ever felt before. I tried a support group, but it was primarily couples...I would leave feeling 1000% worse knowing that these women had their husbands and boyfriends to depend on. My ex bailed on me. I posted to a miscarriage forum...But it was the same, these women had partners. And eventually there was no one posting there anymore because most got pregnant and migrated to the other board. Is there no freaking escaping it? I feel sick. I feel like I can't bear to get through one more day. In these last nearly 3 months, I have held razors to my wrists, sorted through pills trying to figure out what will work and what won't, I've scarred my arms self-harming, I've pulled my hair out. I feel crazy, and I feel sick, and I feel like I lost what I was always able to hold onto for so long - hope. Without hope, I feel I am doomed. I am just going through the motions until one day, I can actually go through with it. I have a career, a very well-paying job. But my heart is no longer in it, hasn't been for a long time. I am late nearly everyday because I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed. That's it. I have nothing grounding me, keeping me here. I have failed as a partner, I have failed as a woman. I don't want to fail at this I guess I just want to hear...That maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there is some kind of hope, something for me to grasp at. I just need to hear from someone who has been there. Thank you.