Not depressed, it's just that chronic pain and other ailments push me to want to end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by James5706, Jul 1, 2015.

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  1. James5706

    James5706 SF Supporter

    Up until mid 2013, I had a "Responsible rewarding County security job", and a beautiful hard working wife. Although in my eyes she will always be amazing, beautiful, and the most loyal woman, a man could ever dream of having!! And my children will always be the "apple of my eye" and amazing achievers...
    By this point I was off "front line" working, and chained to an office desk, due to chronic back pain and hip pain, despite extensive surgery. Eventually, after it was clear the surgery hadn't worked, I was retired and had to move to a smaller house, (Not that I had a big house!!) And it doesn't escape me that some people live in cramped enviroments, and some even worse, by being homeless....
    Yes I got a very small work pension, and my wife, (bless her) wanted to keep working part time. Although I'm not stupid, this was to keep her sanity away from me.... After dealing with my perpetual rebounding depression. (Despite hoping I'd beat it...)
    Since retiring, I've been plagued by severe migrainious vertigo for the last years or so. Constant dizztness and sickness really gets you down...The answer - Yet even more tablets.... Which = being under the influence of even more drugs... Don't get me wrong, sometimes, with alcohol, it equates to peace. Even if for just a short time...
    I've since learnt that my knee pain is due to my cartilage being worn out, and needing more invasive treatment....
    I sometimes wonder what I've done to deserved so much shit...
    The pain is constant, it's only the severity that alters, yet it's always enough to bring you to tears. And I wouldn't describe myself as a so called "whimp"...
    I'm just sick of living really.... The old saying about "the cards you've been dealt" doesn't really work for me. It's more a case of luck, and family genes. Well mine seen crap... <mod edit - guidelines>.. Really!! It's more a case of me personally having had YEARS of trying everything else....
    I have to add, that my children are too young to put them through such an ordeal. So it would not be for a few years yet.
     
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  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Re: Not depressed, it's just that chronic pain and other ailments push me to want to

    I too deal with severe migraines and multiple health issues, the carousel of meds to address the health issues, and the accompanied depression that so often results. Wife and children - I often feel like they might be better off as well. The difference is I guess I do believe it it is the depression that you admit to having but claim is not the reason for the suicidal thoughts I believe to be the reason of most the suicidal thoughts. So far as the pain management, when is bad would do anything to make it stop so yes I guess then I might consider suicide as a "reasonable alternative" for my self in the immediate issue of dealing with pain- just like it seems like a very reasonable idea to literally drill a hole in the side of my head as a possibility to make the intensity less severe in those times.

    But it is the depression that makes the suicidal thoughts seem to make sense so far as being burden to others and considering even when the pain is managed. Mixing alcohol with pain meds that are nearly all depressants as well is certainly going to make the depression far worse, as well as greatly reduce the effect on virtually every migraine medication there is. If oyu are taking the pain meds and alcohol together for the "escape" it gives it is a simple substance abuse issue like any other and everybody that deals with that issue has the same justifications of needing the escape for a while. It is also what contributes to the suicidal thoughts and the permanent escape. It is what is steals what is you away from your wife and children. Get the best combination of pain meds you can find to reduce the pain to a tolerable level- If you are not seeing a pain management Dr i really recommend you try one- they are far more effective than GP at finding pain management that is not simply drugging you into oblivion so you can get a few hours of meaningful time every day for a better quality of life for doing things with your wife and family. Feel free to pm and I will share some med strategies that have worked on pain management while still leaving capable of doing normal daily functions that you might bring up with your Dr for discussion.

    As soon as pain management actually meant controlling pain to me so I can do normal things as opposed to using all my meds in a few days so I could basically not exist for those days then just waiting for the next months meds life became far more tolerable and worth living.
     
  3. James5706

    James5706 SF Supporter

    Re: Not depressed, it's just that chronic pain and other ailments push me to want to

    Thanks for replying. I really do feel that my family would be better off without me. I see the how I drag my wife down by feeling the way I do. She often looks "down" when she's been around me. I flit between feeling like I have the will to go on, to feeling I've just had enough of what this "life" has to offer, and thoughts of moving on to what's after this...
    The migraines are indescribable! I spent 4 days in hospital on the worst occasion, needing constant intravenous morphine to keep it under control. Where did they come from!? And the dizziness!? I feel like, haven't I got enough on my plate right now!!??
    I see in my family's eyes that I get them down. It breaks my heart when I see it on their faces. I really try not to moan, or be miserable, and verbally snap for what are minor issues mainly. But the constant pain is so draining. I'm also sick of taking so many meds, despite abusing them, as you say for relief. I'm not trying to dismiss what I do, or use my issues as an excuse. It just means I can get some respite from the constant pain. Where did it all go wrong!?? I was a veteran well respected Police Officer, Now I weigh half I did, I walk with a stick, and get confused easy. Confusion is prob the meds...
    I'm on level 3 of my "pain management" course, and I understand how I should behave to help myself. But it's just so so hard to keep my head above water. I sit in my classes, and contribute to get the most out of it. Yet I feel like standing up and screaming I CAN'T COPE!! But what's the point......
    Anyhow, thanks again..
     
  4. kalliela

    kalliela Active Member

    Re: Not depressed, it's just that chronic pain and other ailments push me to want to

    I know what you mean...4 months ago my life ended with an accident that has left me with lots of pain and I went to a really bad p.t. lady...and never felt pain like that before...she did way too much, I told her it really hurt bad...she kept going. Now I am way worse that I was 4 months ago...it's like she tore some tissue or something really freaking bad. I can't hardly walk it's so bad. I am taking some pain meds...took today off cause they leave me soo confused and have yucky side effects. I almost ended it the other day...after all I am bringing my husband down...and everyday is a nightmare..I am trapped in a body that is simply severely damaged...and I don't feel alive at all anymore. I know what you mean about alcohol...I am not a drinker really but for some reason it can take away some physical pain, if only for a bit. I am so sad because I chose to go to this awful p.t. place...they are talking surgery that is risky and could make things worse. today...I don't want to be here...I am stupid, made such a bad mistake and am so worried to get more xrays now...cause I know things are pretty bad and worse. Thing is I think I was healing ever so slightly from some of the pain...then this lady ruins it all. And the pain meds effect me so bad mentally...I have screamed and cried at my husband saying I want to die...I don't want to be here..I.can't be here...he falls apart.sometimes. I really don't know what to do...honestly I am too chicken to end it...but too scared to live here. Like I just made too many mistakes...I can't do hardly anything...the pain is soo sad...I was pretty.happy before this....now I am in a prison...it's no way to live...you know? I just am so hopeless everyday...tried to fake happiness today just to give my husband a break from the misery. I honestly don't think I can live much longer...and I am not anyway..I can't go on..and the guilt I feel from going to such an awful p.t. person. husband has no clue what this pain feels like...I feel like I am death..that has a conversation with people sometimes.


    And I found out/remembered that mine is probably hereditary...my father had similar problems...and drank like a fish and popped pain meds on a.continued basis. He was in misery mentally,.physically...I know I am a product of his genes. I think I can only allow so much time before I leave here...but I don't want to kill myself...I just feel like I have to...like.there is no.way out....but it makes me sooo.sad to leave my husband..I love him sooo very much, I wanted to live such a rich life with.him...now.it's shattered...and I am in despair every single day...I guess I am of no help to you...but I know I would not be suicidal if not for this devastating accident. Like what do I do? Live here and be miserable....or leave and give up the person I love more than anyone? I am stuck. Really bad..this isn't a life..it's a sentence...that doesn't end...I just am broken and botchy p.t. people made things a whole lot.worse....I made all the wrong decisions...all I want is to be who I was four months ago...and I am not...and I just don't have hope..and.when I do..the pain takes it all away....again surgery is risky..but it appears that I may have to do it.before too long..and I would rather die than to get out of surgery..and not able move again...it's a prison everyday...and it was from my stupidity that I am here..gosh I hate pain.pills..they are soo horrible..and not.sure if they do much anyway...
     
  5. James5706

    James5706 SF Supporter

    Re: Not depressed, it's just that chronic pain and other ailments push me to want to

    As odd as it sounds, I too said I felt trapped in a knackered body a few days ago. This week I had my 73 year old father in law and brother in law tidy up the back garden for me. It's catch 22, i'm happy the "yard" is clear, and very grateful. But ashamed that it took the help of a relative getting on for double my age to do it. It just accentuates the position i'm in and makes me feel worse.
    My wife and I went away for a few days last week near the coast. It killed me walking around the beach and shops. But I could see my wife's mood lift. It reminded me of years that have passed.... I spent half the nights in agony, but it was worth it, just to give back to my wife a sense of "normality" and happiness.
    The odd thing is, I wasn't always a "depressive". I was a very positive and "happy go lucky" person. Yet after a set of events happened and I spiralled into a deep depression. I'm not as bad as I was, but as normal as I've tried to be, I just can't handle stress any more. It was around this time, that I was told my father was a depressive alcoholic. He also suffered severe pain on a daily basis, after breaking his neck and back after a fall. He died when I was young, but I do vaguely recall the drinking and pill popping. I've desperately tried not to be the way he was, yet history seems to have repeated itself.
    Am I weak and pathetic? probably..... It's weird, i'm nowhere near as "mad" as I was. I did allsorts of things that put my life seriously at risk, yet i survived. But I'm now more sane than I've ever been, yet I would be happy to end it all now. How weird is that.....
    I certainly couldn't do anything at the moment due to my son and daughters age. But maybe in a few years time, when they're adults.
    I wish I could put into words the mental pain I feel every morning when I wake. The start of another day. And I HATE it......
    I know I should be grateful to have the choice, especially after losing a close friend to cancer. It broke my heart, probably as he had a very young daughter to. But that doesn't make my situation any better.....
    I'm rambling now, so i'll go.
    Thanks
     
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